For Men Only – Ten Ways to Get Over Being Dumped!


1. Audition and make it into a boy band. She will crawl across glass to have you back! Just make sure it is an actual boy band and not one of those creepy 50’s, “give it up already” bands.

2. Date her sister or mother. It will work.

3. Become a motherfucking sorcerer. Who needs women if you control the power of magic?

4. Date a girl/woman of a completely different race and also personality (preferably one you have never dated before). Post that shit ALL OVER social media with ALL SMILES. You will send your ex-girlfriend into epic levels of self-doubt.

5. Never, ever, EVER answer your ex’s phone calls. Wait a few months and if she is still calling answer once with a “who is this again?”

6. Create time lapse videos of you and your dog doing EVERYTHING you and your ex did together. Some cheesy music and maybe a few make out scenes will really make the videos memorable.

7. Do everything you told her you would not do with her and take tons of pictures doing it. Again, overshare on social media and know that she sees it. And she hates you.

8. Date a girl with the exact same name. No it won’t create a complex for you, but instead will irk the shit out of her every time she sees a new Facebook post with her name on it.

9. Immediately get married. The next week. That will show her!

10. Write a post on your blog saying “Oh Shit! I found out something horrible from the doctor today!” But never elaborate. She will definitely call you soon.

-OM

The Power of Pretty


The power of pretty is evident all around us today. It is on social media, on the television, and walking in front of us at the mall. It is an idea or concept held by society that defines what we consider beautiful and attractive. There is real power in being pretty that is often scorned and mocked verbally, but we all internally know of its existence. The power of pretty can take you far.

What is the power of pretty? This power can grant you wishes you never dreamed of! Have you ever wanted to be a beautiful, yet ferocious vampire that leaps around in trees and is just charming enough to convince a perfectly healthy young damsel into accepting the life of an undead? Try the power of pretty! I hear it even makes your skin glitter in the sun. Have you ever had difficulty reaching the top shelf at work and need help? Try the power of pretty! Help is on the way!

The power of pretty is mightier than any penis or vagina known to man. It carries the weight and authority of the wearer. Some people are simply better at wielding this great influence on humanity, just as some people are simply prettier than other people. For instance a true practitioner of the power of pretty can still be pretty while crying. That is a higher level of pretty and beginners in the practice probably shouldn’t try it. It is very easy to change from the power of pretty to the power of ugly.

I am jealous of those that have this power. They are everyday superheroes that don’t even know the blessing that has been bestowed upon them. Most comic characters have to undergo great trials and tribulations to gain their superpowers. The power of pretty is given by birth. That is probably why it is taken for granted so often. Nothing is more shameful than seeing the power of pretty wasted.

-Opinionated Man

For Males Only – “Women are EASY to Understand”


I see a lot of articles by both men and women claiming that “women are hard to understand.” Why do people find women so complex and difficult to decipher? I figured it was my duty to provide some basic pieces of information for those “lost souls” that cannot understand the opposite sex. You may thank me later world.

Women want a manly man. They want a guy that can rundown a bull and belt out poetry while fighting bad guys with one hand. One tip I hand to men is to always carry a whistle on a date. This isn’t a “rape whistle,” but in fact a “notice me asshole Taxi Driver” whistle! Nothing is more emasculating than franticly trying to wave down a taxi and getting passed by time and time again. Then the woman raises a pinky and “WALLAH” your chariot has arrived! I have solved this problem by carrying a whistle because I can’t do the cool “two finger technique” from the movies. Instead I will blow the shit out of that whistle and hope to impress the woman with my large, bulging red cheeks. You know what they say about large cheeks right…

Men understand that women like flashy things and “the moment.” I have found a way to make ANY moment special. I walk around with a pocket full of glitter and will spontaneously shout “PRESTO” while throwing a handful in the air. The only time this fails to impress is if you happen to be dating a circus performer… they generally expect a second act.

Many females like active and athletic men. I am lazy and get tired just thinking about running, however, I have solved this silly expectation by pretending to get ready to “work out” multiple times a week. I never actually do anything, but the glamour of seeing me “warrior up” normally does the trick. If that fails I MAY do a couple of pushups if the gravitational pull of the earth feels particularly weak.

Apparently women think that men don’t clean… or cook. Men are also really lazy when it comes to remembering when we did it last during arguments. I have solved this issue by creating a Facebook page called “Look honey I did the dishes.” Providing an easily referenced source for women to ponder over BEFORE the argument will always benefit you in the long run. I suggest secondary and third sites for cooking and chores which we men “don’t do ever.”

I don’t understand why guys give up so easily in fights. I know the enemy is cunning and will use loose historical fact to back their attacks. This can easily be repelled, however, by simply never admitting anything. “Did you eat my leftovers from last night?” Nope, no idea what you are talking about… maybe it was the dog…“We don’t have a dog…” Are you sure we don’t have a dog? I have seen many dogs today. You see what I did there men? It isn’t lying if there is enough truth to make it float. If all else fails… use the backup plan and throw glitter in the air and run.

-Opinionated Man

Women are Crazy (The way to lose your female readers)


This is not a relationship blog, but occasionally I will write about and share some revolutionary facts that I discover in my life. Here is one fact that I would love to write about (but not discuss) women are crazy. I would go so far as to say “most” women are crazy and the funny part is they make sense to each other. That really is the kicker, because women can understand the craziness in one another, they then do not consider themselves crazy. Impeccable logic to be sure, it is hard to debate evidence so sound.

Women pick arguments on purpose. The only time men pick arguments on purpose is if we do not like someone, we are drunk, there is a Raider’s fan in the room, or we decide to act macho in front of our woman. Men do not often argue just to argue, do you know why ladies? We are lazy and it is hard to watch Sportscenter AND drink a beer while you argue. Ok, so why is women arguing so crazy? Because of the reason they do it, women argue and pick fights with men “to test their relationship.” That is the whole “if the rubber band breaks” concept that women are working on. They obviously haven’t heard of the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” concept that men love.

Women ask questions that they know the answers to. Guys, they still expect an answer. And God help you if the answer is not politically and socially correct. You may want to bring a cue card with a few facts and pointers to back up your answer, though those facts will help very little if your answer is different from hers. These actions by women can also be tests; you know those random pop quizzes we hated in school, well now we get them in marriage and long term relationships. Your girlfriend or wife has just become the teacher from hell.

Women really don’t care about your opinion most the time. You know “they” say that a good conversation is good dialogue between the two participants. Whoever “they” were, “they” were obviously not talking to a woman. A woman does not want your input on a topic she has already decided upon. You are allowed a couple head nods, a few confirmation noises (to let her know you are still listening), and a really big “you are absolutely right honey” near the end. That is all that is required, or better yet necessary, to successfully navigate through a conversation with a woman. One last thing, if you even dare to talk about a subject she knows nothing about just give up, women quickly grow bored with topics that don’t interest them. Notice the way she “sighs” and glances around the room every five minutes, those are your hints.

Give up trying to keep up with your wife or girlfriend’s social drama, whether at work or with her friends. Never side with Becky, her hated arch-rival, unless Becky is going to let you sleep on her couch. Do not dare and sympathize with Helga, her dictator of a boss, or your soup might taste a bit off tonight. If your wife is on Facebook just be prepared for monthly breakdowns and breakups. I think women came up with the term “BFF” so they could have one more thing to break up with in this world. Women are crazy.

-Opinionated Man

For Men Only – Don’t Play That Game!


Men I am going to get serious here and discuss a major trap that men fall for and never see coming. You may hear or see on a television show a funny skit where a couple plays the “what is your fantasy game.” Normally it is generic and we all get a chuckle from it and move on to the next program.

Men don’t play that game! If you are going to play the “what is your fantasy game” with your wife, girlfriend, significant other, or friend with benefits be absolutely sure you have a “general” idea of what they may say in response. What will you do if you receive some of the following answers back?

1) I want to have sex dressed as a clown. What the fuck? Who the hell are you? How long have we been married! Holy shit!

2) I really want to try group sex. That better be some new trend of exercise…

3) How about we “trade positions?” How about we don’t?

4) I want you to call me Billy from now on. But your name is Helen…

5) Let’s sneak into your old childhood bedroom and get naughty! I don’t even think my childhood bed could be classified as a “single.” We won’t fit…

6) I want to have sex with a stranger! WE ARE MARRIED! HOLY SHIT BATMAN!

7) Let’s dress up like animals and chase each other around! What drugs have you been taking and why aren’t you sharing.

8) Let’s try this missionary position I keep hearing about! Yea that does sound exciting! Is that some new form of role play?

So maybe that last one won’t be said… but you better believe your ass men that some of these other responses you COULD hear. Are you prepared for those types of answers? If not… don’t play that stupid game. It is a horrible, horrible, horrible idea!

-Opinionated Man

Dear OM – “Help! Relationship Advice!”


I feel like there are many men and possibly women that want to write me emails or comment for relationship advice. I know people are busy and have busy lives, therefore I took the liberty of writing some of the questions in a “Dear Abby format” that I am sure would be sent to me.

Dear OM, my wife/girlfriend never cleans up around the house. What do I do???” Ah my dear fool, that is simple to fix. Simply host interviews one weekend for a new maid, say around the age of 20, and I am certain your wife will help out rather quickly.

Dear OM, my wife won’t help me do yard work. She promised to when we bought the home… and to be honest it is a big ass yard! What do I do?” I find that sometimes if we take a setting… and place it in another setting it helps fix the whole issue. Simply buy some mannequins and department store clothes racks, place them in the yard, and shout “there is a sale outside!”

Dear OM, my wife/girlfriend won’t help take care of our pet. She promised to when we got her. I personally hate the animal. What do I do???” First off people shouldn’t befriend their food. Secondly, I would simply go for a long walk…. And claim you were attacked by a bear. Just bring back the leash.

Dear OM, my wife/girlfriend hates my best bud Richard. What do I do? I love them both!” Which do you see yourself with in ten years? Then make a decision based upon clear, strenuous pondering over a six pack of something cold.

Dear OM, I smoke cigars and my wife/girlfriend hates it! She won’t even let me smoke on a golf course! What do I do??? Please help me oh wise one!Ah my son… first off what happens on a golf course, happens on a golf course. Secondly there is this awesome product called Febreeze which can be found in the cleaning section of any major grocery store. Please buy some and get some mouth wash on aisle seven as well.

-Opinionated Man