The power of pretty is evident all around us today. It is on social media, on the television, and walking in front of us at the mall. It is an idea or concept held by society that defines what we consider beautiful and attractive. There is real power in being pretty that is often scorned and mocked verbally, but we all internally know of its existence. The power of pretty can take you far.
What is the power of pretty? This power can grant you wishes you never dreamed of! Have you ever wanted to be a beautiful, yet ferocious vampire that leaps around in trees and is just charming enough to convince a perfectly healthy young damsel into accepting the life of an undead? Try the power of pretty! I hear it even makes your skin glitter in the sun. Have you ever had difficulty reaching the top shelf at work and need help? Try the power of pretty! Help is on the way!
The power of pretty is mightier than any penis or vagina known to man. It carries the weight and authority of the wearer. Some people are simply better at wielding this great influence on humanity, just as some people are simply prettier than other people. For instance a true practitioner of the power of pretty can still be pretty while crying. That is a higher level of pretty and beginners in the practice probably shouldn’t try it. It is very easy to change from the power of pretty to the power of ugly.
I am jealous of those that have this power. They are everyday superheroes that don’t even know the blessing that has been bestowed upon them. Most comic characters have to undergo great trials and tribulations to gain their superpowers. The power of pretty is given by birth. That is probably why it is taken for granted so often. Nothing is more shameful than seeing the power of pretty wasted.
Here are some pieces of advice I have on sex and they are obviously mostly for men, but maybe some women can relate to them as well.
1. Men don’t be too quick to defend yourself. When she says “was that it?” Don’t immediately say “but baby that was 2 minutes and 35 seconds longer than last time…”
2. Men you may not want to watch the football game while having sex. If you just “happen” to sync your sexual activities with that of a two minute drill going on women WILL notice. And they don’t take too kindly to it when suddenly everyone is clapping right on queue.
3. If you throw the pillow case and ask for a timeout for a water break and then get distracted by a playoff game while downstairs don’t expect sex for another 4.3 weeks.
4. Using condiments and making things interesting is fine during sex up until a certain point. That point normally begins when you hear voices that say “Are you guys making dessert in there? I hear whipped cream… I want some!”
5. Guys if you get caught looking at the clock have an answer ready for when your woman asks “what are you looking at?” I normally pick the water glass that should be there by the bed because hydration is important, “I was making sure no one was putting anything in your drink.” When she says “…but we’re at home…” you then need to look frustrated and say “baby can we concentrate on our next moves?”
6. Getting caught having sex in public, like in a car at the park, stops being “cute” and “romantic” at a certain age. The walk of shame is a little worse when your 18 year old has to bail you out from prison and drive you home.
7. Have an answer ready for when women ask you those questions like “was it good for you baby?” I like to go overboard with my answer to stop any further conversation. “Yea baby! This Captain is sure happy! You rocked the boat!” If that one gets old you can change it up with something like “This warrior is sure glad he visited this village!”
8. Sometimes women say silly things they have either heard other people say or seen on movies. If a woman says “Baby it is so large” and you are pretty sure it isn’t… just smile and try not to roll your eyes.
9. Pretending you are a superhero makes sex better.
10. Guys don’t just roll off and run do other things. At least give her a high five before you go. That lets her know you care.
Disclaimer: HarsH ReaLiTy is not responsible for any outcome from having followed any of the above advice. We encourage caution while dealing with sensitive subjects such as these.
I see a lot of articles by both men and women claiming that “women are hard to understand.” Why do people find women so complex and difficult to decipher? I figured it was my duty to provide some basic pieces of information for those “lost souls” that cannot understand the opposite sex. You may thank me later world.
Women want a manly man. They want a guy that can rundown a bull and belt out poetry while fighting bad guys with one hand. One tip I hand to men is to always carry a whistle on a date. This isn’t a “rape whistle,” but in fact a “notice me asshole Taxi Driver” whistle! Nothing is more emasculating than franticly trying to wave down a taxi and getting passed by time and time again. Then the woman raises a pinky and “WALLAH” your chariot has arrived! I have solved this problem by carrying a whistle because I can’t do the cool “two finger technique” from the movies. Instead I will blow the shit out of that whistle and hope to impress the woman with my large, bulging red cheeks. You know what they say about large cheeks right…
Men understand that women like flashy things and “the moment.” I have found a way to make ANY moment special. I walk around with a pocket full of glitter and will spontaneously shout “PRESTO” while throwing a handful in the air. The only time this fails to impress is if you happen to be dating a circus performer… they generally expect a second act.
Many females like active and athletic men. I am lazy and get tired just thinking about running, however, I have solved this silly expectation by pretending to get ready to “work out” multiple times a week. I never actually do anything, but the glamour of seeing me “warrior up” normally does the trick. If that fails I MAY do a couple of pushups if the gravitational pull of the earth feels particularly weak.
Apparently women think that men don’t clean… or cook. Men are also really lazy when it comes to remembering when we did it last during arguments. I have solved this issue by creating a Facebook page called “Look honey I did the dishes.” Providing an easily referenced source for women to ponder over BEFORE the argument will always benefit you in the long run. I suggest secondary and third sites for cooking and chores which we men “don’t do ever.”
I don’t understand why guys give up so easily in fights. I know the enemy is cunning and will use loose historical fact to back their attacks. This can easily be repelled, however, by simply never admitting anything. “Did you eat my leftovers from last night?” Nope, no idea what you are talking about… maybe it was the dog…“We don’t have a dog…” Are you sure we don’t have a dog? I have seen many dogs today. You see what I did there men? It isn’t lying if there is enough truth to make it float. If all else fails… use the backup plan and throw glitter in the air and run.
One of the most trying periods for males is “the moment of the breakup.” Now I understand that women also breakup with men, but I can’t really speak on their behalf. I would hate to try and talk on a topic I wasn’t clearly an expert on…
I feel it is my duty to provide men out there with some tried and true methods of “parting ways” with a woman. These will help you to keep your sanity and your nerve because it is that moment of uncertainty that will cause a bad decision that will result in a lifetime of unhappiness. For both parties involved. All of these options won’t be available to you, not all of us own horses, but the ones that do I encourage you to try some of these. Putting a video of it on Youtube.com is also a great idea. Here are some ideas for “safe” ways of breaking up with a woman.
I believe the safest method of approaching a woman is in a full suit of armor and on a very fast horse. Preferably one of those Spanish horses I always hear about. In this situation we are approaching the woman not as a possible bride, but as a potential fire breathing woman who might snap upon being presented the banner of truce. I consider breaking up a “truce” because each party is free to go their merry way. I am speaking only of dating here and not marriage, obviously. The armor is in case the woman tries to stab you. Now you laugh, but do you know the type of man that gets stabbed? The one that stupidly broke up with a girl and then turned his unprotected back. Watch the Nature channel men… life lessons.
Everyone uses the giant announcement boards at ballgames to propose… but I think a breakup might go well on one. Simply have them say “I think we should just be friends” during the game on the overhead Television and ensure she sees it. I think that the moment will be so awkward everyone will just laugh it off and be friends… right?
Send your brother to breakup with your girlfriend for you. Brothers are normally willing to do this, for a price, and they will think it is hilarious. They also will be brutal about it and that will be the end of it. Or… your brother will end up dating your ex-girlfriend. You will end up single for 6 months, just long enough to endure a few holiday dinners at which your brother and his “new girlfriend” will glow. You will look like an idiot, but you will be single!
Break up with her while on a hot air balloon ride. If she kills you… you will both die probably. Unless she happens to have her smartphone on her, in which case she will Google map a remote location to bury your body and then fly home. I suggest random metal detector scans. Simply say it is a health issue.
People send singing telegrams and that is just stupid and mean. I would send a mime instead to hand deliver the message. He can then start miming a wall to protect himself…
I think that if you breakup with a woman while wearing a Harry Potter costume and holding a wand she will think you are so pathetic she won’t get mad at all. It will work. Trust me.
Lastly I have found glitter really is the ultimate enemy of a woman’s heart. If you say anything and throw glitter in the air they love it. “We should break up!” [throws glitter in the air] All you will hear is clapping…
Men I am going to get serious here and discuss a major trap that men fall for and never see coming. You may hear or see on a television show a funny skit where a couple plays the “what is your fantasy game.” Normally it is generic and we all get a chuckle from it and move on to the next program.
Men don’t play that game! If you are going to play the “what is your fantasy game” with your wife, girlfriend, significant other, or friend with benefits be absolutely sure you have a “general” idea of what they may say in response. What will you do if you receive some of the following answers back?
1) I want to have sex dressed as a clown. What the fuck? Who the hell are you? How long have we been married! Holy shit!
2) I really want to try group sex. That better be some new trend of exercise…
3) How about we “trade positions?” How about we don’t?
4) I want you to call me Billy from now on. But your name is Helen…
5) Let’s sneak into your old childhood bedroom and get naughty! I don’t even think my childhood bed could be classified as a “single.” We won’t fit…
6) I want to have sex with a stranger! WE ARE MARRIED! HOLY SHIT BATMAN!
7) Let’s dress up like animals and chase each other around! What drugs have you been taking and why aren’t you sharing.
8) Let’s try this missionary position I keep hearing about! Yea that does sound exciting! Is that some new form of role play?
So maybe that last one won’t be said… but you better believe your ass men that some of these other responses you COULD hear. Are you prepared for those types of answers? If not… don’t play that stupid game. It is a horrible, horrible, horrible idea!
1. Audition and make it into a boy band. She will crawl across glass to have you back! Just make sure it is an actual boy band and not one of those creepy 50’s, “give it up already” bands.
2. Date her sister or mother. It will work.
3. Become a motherfucking sorcerer. Who needs women if you control the power of magic?
4. Date a girl/woman of a completely different race and also personality (preferably one you have never dated before). Post that shit ALL OVER social media with ALL SMILES. You will send your ex-girlfriend into epic levels of self-doubt.
5. Never, ever, EVER answer your ex’s phone calls. Wait a few months and if she is still calling answer once with a “who is this again?”
6. Create time lapse videos of you and your dog doing EVERYTHING you and your ex did together. Some cheesy music and maybe a few make out scenes will really make the videos memorable.
7. Do everything you told her you would not do with her and take tons of pictures doing it. Again, overshare on social media and know that she sees it. And she hates you.
8. Date a girl with the exact same name. No it won’t create a complex for you, but instead will irk the shit out of her every time she sees a new Facebook post with her name on it.
9. Immediately get married. The next week. That will show her!
10. Write a post on your blog saying “Oh Shit! I found out something horrible from the doctor today!” But never elaborate. She will definitely call you soon.
Men I thought it might be nice to give you all a quick guide to the anomaly called “the decorative item.” If you have a steady woman, live-in girlfriend, or wife you may have encountered these strange objects around the house and thought to yourself much like me “what the fuck are these for???” Make no mistakes, these items are not to be used . Ever. EVER! They are merely for the… what again? Because not even guest are supposed to use them.
I give you item A men, the decorative towel.
These specimens have been seen throughout the world and are invading bathrooms daily. What are they for? Don’t touch it! …god are you crazy? That was close. Just look. Now consider this, even if for some reason some intruder came in and I saved the day like the Korean Superman I am I still better not use that towel to clean my blood. That towel right there gentlemen… yes, it looks normal doesn’t it? We are all in agreement this is a normal towel? I don’t get it either… next they’ll invent decorative beers…
1. Play dead. Before you laugh and say “that won’t work” have you actually tried it? Seriously, fall down and don’t move. Even if she yells your name or pokes at you with her high heel. Just pretend like it is nap time.
2. Start to pray. I normally look at them and indicate they are supposed to join in… and keep shooting astonished looks that they aren’t.
3. Keep saying “I love you” till they stop talking. It will work. Have faith.
4. Counter everything they say with a bad adage about some sport they hate. Women absolutely hate when we do sports analogies and it is enjoyable to see them squirm.
5. Yell “That’s right I forgot to do that thing!” and run out the door… you may want to wait a few hours before returning. Possibly with some flowers.
6. Tell her suddenly that Bill has died. When Bill shows up to your house the next day fall to your knees and cry “Lord! It’s a miracle!”
7. Keep turning the argument to her anger issues. Even if she doesn’t have any. It makes them rethink themselves and they end up getting frustrated and dropping the topic.
8. If you are married or dating an Asian woman yell out “Godzilla” and use those few seconds wisely.
9. If arguing while eating suddenly “choke” on a chicken bone and allow her to be the hero. No one wants to argue when they are in hero mode.
10. When an argument is about to start in bed I use two options. I either fart and allow the humor of the moment to dissolve the tension in the atmosphere OR I start audible snoring until she gets the picture.
Note: I am not responsible for any possible… repercussions of following my relationship advice…
Nothing is worse than the split stream.
Weigh him! If he weighs more than a pig he is cheating on you! Since the beginning of the church we have been taught that a man’s sins make him heavier. This is obvious proof right? Or was that for witches…
Ask him 574 questions in a row until he messes up on one. Then you GOT HIM! Cheating little bastard!!!
Withhold sex from him until he admits it. This will NOT be because he ends up cheating out of desperately wanting sex… …
Follow him! Follow his ass everywhere and bring a camera crew. You might even want to contact MTV for a show.
Follow his brother! If his brother is a cheater then you can count your pennies that your man is also. It is a genetic thing.
Watch for differences in personality. Wait… is that happiness I see? Who the hell is he talking to!!! Cheating bastard! Men are evil!!!
Why not right? I have already been called a dumbass and an asshole this week, so I might as well have some fashion bloggers tell me how stupid I am to top it off! Here is my take on current fashion.
I am not fashionable. I was once… when bouncers were letting me skip everyone in line. It doesn’t take much, just move to Knoxville and be the only Asian guy that cares to befriend bouncers. They will remember you (there aren’t a lot of Asians in Knoxville if you didn’t know).
When I was into style and my clothes, back before the shackles of marriage, I would normally wear either Polo, Structure (before they changed their name), and Banana Republic. I am sure you can now label me pretty easily.
I take my family to the mall a lot. The girls like to walk around, I people watch, and my wife will do some shopping. I will normally play that game where you try to avoid any and all human contact… all the while also trying to appear “normal.” I get to observe a lot of fashion trends because of this and of course I have an opinion.
My wife has tried to explain how the whole “certain colors for certain seasons” works. I think I get it. Women wear colors that complement the season as some sort of “ninja vanish” trick so they can get close enough to stab you. At least I think that is what is going on. Also I learned shoes have to match. Just because the shoes are “dirty” doesn’t classify them as brown.
There are many trends I don’t understand. Why do “younger mothers” wear the same clothes as their older daughters? Is there some type of discount at gap if you get the same outfit in two sizes? I think it is awkward if you can’t tell a mother apart from her daughter… but I guess some people think that is “hot?” If you aren’t near the age of Forever 21, should you be shopping there? It does say “forever” though doesn’t it?
Why do women buy clothes just to hang them in their closet? I wonder how many women here have clothes with price tags STILL on them. I do not get this at all. Please, someone explain it to me! Also… women you realize that malls always have a “sale” going on right? Husbands are you still falling for this trick? “Honey there is a SALE going on!!!” I worked retail… there is always a sale. We kind of just moved those stickers around…
Maybe this is a Colorado thing, but I seem to only see two outfits on males here. A Broncos jersey (GO PEYTON!) or this new “BMX Biker” look. I suppose this isn’t really a “new look,” but it is to me! Everywhere I glance there are “X Gamers” walking around and I am half tempted to start asking for autographs.
Asians that wear “really” Asian clothing in public. Just stop! Please!!!
I am from the South and the topic of choice for the longest time was sagging jeans. I personally like my comfort and my jeans are definitely not up to my neck… but if I can see your ass then that is just wrong. Pull that shit up. You aren’t running from any dogs, cops, or women with knives with your jeans like that you know.
At a certain point “parents” have to retire those college T-shirts we love soooo much. I enjoy seeing a father and a mother walking in the mall with their kids, until I see that their shirts say “I’m with Stupid” and “Freshman Forever!!!” At some point people have to grow up…
I really hate the mall because of those kiosks that now rule the “center aisle.” Those people that man those stations are bulldogs. I almost had an Italian woman chase me down with lotion that I needed to “fix my face.” OUCH! Lmao…
This is not a relationship blog, but occasionally I will write about and share some revolutionary facts that I discover in my life. Here is one fact that I would love to write about (but not discuss) women are crazy. I would go so far as to say “most” women are crazy and the funny part is they make sense to each other. That really is the kicker, because women can understand the craziness in one another, they then do not consider themselves crazy. Impeccable logic to be sure, it is hard to debate evidence so sound.
Women pick arguments on purpose. The only time men pick arguments on purpose is if we do not like someone, we are drunk, there is a Raider’s fan in the room, or we decide to act macho in front of our woman. Men do not often argue just to argue, do you know why ladies? We are lazy and it is hard to watch Sportscenter AND drink a beer while you argue. Ok, so why is women arguing so crazy? Because of the reason they do it, women argue and pick fights with men “to test their relationship.” That is the whole “if the rubber band breaks” concept that women are working on. They obviously haven’t heard of the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” concept that men love.
Women ask questions that they know the answers to. Guys, they still expect an answer. And God help you if the answer is not politically and socially correct. You may want to bring a cue card with a few facts and pointers to back up your answer, though those facts will help very little if your answer is different from hers. These actions by women can also be tests; you know those random pop quizzes we hated in school, well now we get them in marriage and long term relationships. Your girlfriend or wife has just become the teacher from hell.
Women really don’t care about your opinion most the time. You know “they” say that a good conversation is good dialogue between the two participants. Whoever “they” were, “they” were obviously not talking to a woman. A woman does not want your input on a topic she has already decided upon. You are allowed a couple head nods, a few confirmation noises (to let her know you are still listening), and a really big “you are absolutely right honey” near the end. That is all that is required, or better yet necessary, to successfully navigate through a conversation with a woman. One last thing, if you even dare to talk about a subject she knows nothing about just give up, women quickly grow bored with topics that don’t interest them. Notice the way she “sighs” and glances around the room every five minutes, those are your hints.
Give up trying to keep up with your wife or girlfriend’s social drama, whether at work or with her friends. Never side with Becky, her hated arch-rival, unless Becky is going to let you sleep on her couch. Do not dare and sympathize with Helga, her dictator of a boss, or your soup might taste a bit off tonight. If your wife is on Facebook just be prepared for monthly breakdowns and breakups. I think women came up with the term “BFF” so they could have one more thing to break up with in this world. Women are crazy.
I don’t know why men are so freaked out by The Period. In my opinion The Exclamation Mark and The Question Mark are much more frightening experiences. At least with The Period we have some idea of what is to come. Moodiness, insane laughter, uncontrollable giggling, and irrational expectations are all part of The Period we men all know so well. But how do you prepare for the days when your wife, girlfriend, or significant other has The Exclamation Mark? Those days where everything is emphasized with loud words of hatred, things being slammed down hard in frustration, and periodic moments of what seems like endless one sided lectures. And that is just The Exclamation Mark!
I once wrote an article on how crazy women are. Nothing proves the craziness of the female sex more than The Exclamation Mark. This is the period in their month or week in which you can do nothing right. It kind of reminds me of the last couple months before a woman gives birth.
“Hey honey I mowed the yard!”
“Did you also edge and weed eat?”
“No… we don’t have a weed eater…”
“Then you didn’t mow shit did you?”
“…I’ll go buy one now…”
That is the normal dialogue of The Exclamation Mark. The Question Mark mood also brings other surprises by way of uncomfortable situations that one can rarely prepare for.
“Talk dirty to me baby!”
“Oh yea… you like that you dirty school teacher?”
“Hold up! I am a school teacher!!! That is just creepy… way to ruin the mood genius!”
“But… what… I was just trying to keep up!”
You add all those symbols together, the period, the question mark, and the exclamation mark, and what you end up with is the hellish rollercoaster that is the life of a man… that deals with a woman. Maybe one day men can blame our irrational behavior on silly symbols too.
I love reading relationship posts, dating, and articles on love when a woman states how hard it is to “get a guy.” I think often the wording being used is wrong because in most cases the woman is talking about a specific guy or a certain type. In general I feel it is VERY easy for women to get guys… just perhaps not the “Brad Pitt” they are looking for.
I am of the strong opinion that most women can afford to be picky in relationships. It really doesn’t matter how cute she is or even how attractive she finds herself, the bottom line is that in most cases women hold the control of whether or not a relationship will take place. Often times you will read women posting their relationship woes and the truth is that they are going for men that are out of their league. The reality is that even though a woman may not be able to pick a certain “category of man” she still has her “choice” in the groups below that one. This does not take into consideration matters of confidence, but I suppose that is really what this article is about. Why do women lack confidence in relationships when they deal the cards, choose the game, and even decide when the game ends?
Only certain men get to be picky. I love it when feminist and disgruntled women paint ALL MEN as predators. “We are all so aggressive in love and lust and we take what is not given to us.” The stereotype that men are the most forward sex is dead wrong. I am not sure what 5% of men in the world set the bar for ALL other men, but the majority of guys I have encountered are anything but aggressive. Sure I know a few that might be classified as “players,” but they do not constitute the majority. Personally I would be annoyed to see all men act alike and always be on the hunt. How ridiculous would the club scene be if every man in the building were equal in their sexual aggression? Are women missing the group of nerds in the corner daring each other to ask a pretty girl at the bar out? Or the fifty guys dancing with the “wall” because they don’t dare move a few steps onto the dance floor? But all men are misogynist bastards out for the kill right? Wrong…
Women get to be picky and that is their right as the “fairer sex.” Was that offensive? Too bad, I wouldn’t even begin to feel sorry for saying the truth. And the truth is that the men many of you women are ranting about consist of such a small percentage of males it isn’t even worth the generalization. But go ahead with your blanket statements of men and how hard relationships are for women. I’m not buying it.
If I were a woman I would never wear a turtleneck… ever. You hold a distinct advantage over mankind. Why hide it?
If I were a woman I would always use crying first in arguments or tense situations, not as the last resort. Men can’t take crying, it throws us off no matter how tough we are. Try it women. Next time you want to get out of a day of work go to your manager and start to talk and then just burst out in tears. He won’t know what the hell to do and will in many cases just say “hey whatever it is… IT IS COOL go take care of it…” you might want to sniffle out a “thanks Billy…” at the end.
I would never pay for a drink in my life unless I am drinking at 7 am and I am the only pathetic human at the bar…
I would never say or do anything without making dramatic gestures. I don’t know why… but they do that and it looks cool. I think it has to either do with adding emphasis to their words OR they are secretly throwing magic powers at us men…
If I were a woman I would rule the world. Pity… guess no woman is as great as me currently.
You think all men are pigs. Well show me a pig that can pick out a Hallmark card, pay for it, sign it, and buy chocolate without eating it and I will agree with you! Otherwise… you are just picky and alone.
You measure men against characters from movies. Look we get it, those men in TV shows and popular movies are suave and slick as hell. They also had twenty men AND women write their lines for them. If I had a committee that filtered every word before it came out of my mouth I might just be perfect as well.
You keep trying to meet guys at the club. I will never understand why women choose to get involved with men that are obviously “players” and then get shocked and upset when they get cheated on. You know who won’t cheat on you? The chess club president that is who. I don’t think a chess club president has ever cheated on a girlfriend in the history of chess!
You hated every boyfriend in the past… and you tell every new boyfriend about it. Yes, unfortunately there are some assholes in the world and you just might have dated some of them! I didn’t come on this date to hear about Richard, Bobby, and Joey ok? If you are alone and you have the habit of ranting about Ex-BFs… maybe a time of self-reflection is required.
You look like a runway model every day. This one might be confusing because what guy wouldn’t want to date a model? Sounds like a lot of drama, I mean fun, but I do feel the need to clarify to women that if you step out of your door every day looking like a fashion model… most “average guys” won’t dare to speak to you. All we see is dollar signs walking around in high heels that none of us can afford to buy you.
You hate flowers, you hate chocolate, and you hate bunnies and you hate… If you hate “everything” or are the type that says you “hate everything” I just won’t try. Why waste my time and money? YOU HATE EVERYTHING!
You LOVE Valentine’s Day. Bahumbug… I hate this holiday. I think many men do too, which is why in the Guycode Book it states “that unless you are married or in a serious relationship you should break all non-important social agreements till after gift buying season is over.” See page 69.
Woman: “Peter we need to talk baby.”
Man: “Sure what did you want to talk about babe?”
Woman: “Well you have never asked about my family much so I thought I would tell you a few things.”
Man: “Gee I’m sorry babe, I just thought you wanted to keep some things private. You know I’ve been busy with my weightlifting thing.”
Woman: “I know baby, but I thought it was time to tell you my father is a higher up in a drug cartel in Mexico and my brothers work for him also.”
Man: “Um… what…”
Woman: “I’m just kidding baby, hehe, you should have seen your face. My family actually owns a bakery in Mexico City.”
Man: “And this bakery isn’t a front for any illegal operations…”
Woman: “No silly. hahaha, you’re so funny baby. My brothers are really sweet and they all nine do MMA and Capoeira.”
Man: “THEY ARE GOING TO CAP MY WHAT?!?”
Woman: “By the way they are on their way over now. They should be here in about an hour.”
Man: “HOLY SHIT! AN HOUR!!! We gotta clean! YOU gotta change! I gotta pray!”
Woman: “I don’t have to change they’ve seen me in less. Hey baby wanna get frisky? We could do a quickie!”
Man: “DO I WANNA WHAT!?! I can’t feel my arms. The room is vibrating… am I having a heart attack? Oh god… this is it…”
Woman: “What was that baby? You should put some clothes on. In my culture “an hour” can mean anything.”
So the day may come when a woman will viciously rip your heart out of your chest, take a bite out of it, and then nonchalantly drop it in a doggie bag before throwing it at your feet. It will be brutal, it will leave you in shock, and it can be very easy to fall victim to despair. That is why I am here, to provide the males in this world a guiding light for which to come back to the living. I sympathize with you men; women can be such brutal beasts.
Here are some easy tips to speed up that recovery.
- If a woman cheats on you that means you have won the lottery. We men do such stupid, silly things to piss our significant others off on a daily basis that when a woman does something monumentally stupid we have to covet those occasions. They really are rare, precious moments in which we get to gather all that palpable guilt, build it into a fictitious umbrella, and hold it over her head FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. I am getting giddy just thinking about it… Women that cheat on you are keepers… as long as you become the gate keeper.
- This is the point in which you say “Well… I have been meaning to tell you…”
- Dump her and date a girl that looks EXACTLY LIKE HER! Women absolutely hate this!!! They will be forced to see the comparison and I would also take the time to flood your “Facebook wall” with tons of photos before she defriends you. Facebook revenge… now we are talking!
- When a woman approaches you with an “issue” they normally expect some long drawn out conversation. Women love that stuff… men do not. The solution here is simple, if she is the “let’s talk it out type,” don’t give her the benefit of making herself feel better. Shrug it off and say things like “Coo… (leave the “L” off, it sounds more hard). I might even make reference to “Oh… we were exclusive this whole time?”
- I think going ape shit is appropriate in some scenarios and it is even more fun when your woman is of the “gentle sort.” She won’t know what is happening as you RAGE around yelling Korean curse words and throwing pillows. I can teach you a few choice Korean words if you have the need, this ain’t no fortune cookie stuff though ok?
- Date her sister.
So we are doing ribs tonight. Men some cooking advice on ribs in the oven. Cover the ribs with foil and cook them on bake 350 for two hours. The foil helps to prevent over cooking and burning the meat. Throw some good shit in there before you close the foil like salt, real butter, garlic, onion and a few kisses of love. After it has cooked for a couple hours you then need to switch to broil and get the skin good and a little crisp if you like it that way. It helps to sprinkle some Worcestershire sauce on the ribs before the broil. Buy the steamed vegetable bags that take five minutes in the microwave and maybe make some rice. Your reward is sex.
Television: “And we just found out that Billy has been having an affair on Helga this whole time!”
Real Life: “Who the hell have you been cheating on me with?
“Uh… what? I was just coming in here to get a sandwich…”
Television: “He never really loved her. She was just the safe option.”
Real Life: “So why did you marry me?”
“Baby it is 2 am… turn that garbage off and go to bed!”
Each year I like to give back to humanity by offering a Valentine’s Day post. Some of my previous posts were the following.
1. If for some reason you forget Valentine’s day (every other guy) just claim you thought it was like “Secret Santa” and unfortunately you got someone else’s name. She will understand.
2. If you are dating a feminist or somehow got tricked into marrying one I suggest buying her a tool belt. Nothing says “sexy” like an empowered woman fixing shit around the house right?
3. I once dated a vegan/”save every animal walking on four legs in this world” type of girl. To impress her one year I took her to the zoo and staged an emergency wherein I saved a kitten that had somehow wandered into a lion’s den. I probably should have used someone else’s cat because that lion was far faster than I imagined.
4. Nothing says “I just want to be friends” like a singing telegram that says exactly that… on Valentine’s day.
5. Roses die. I plant trees for women or pretend the tree wasn’t there and I planted it for her.
6. A flight of doves is an amazing sight and will melt her heart. I suggest walking those doves first so they don’t shit all over your romantic surprise.
7. Who doesn’t like group dates? Valentine’s day is the perfect time to introduce “everyone.” You know what I mean men.
8. Women, especially mothers, deserve a break. Valentine’s day is a perfect opportunity to offer that to your special someone. Take the kids away for a few hours, drop them off at the in laws, and go watch a movie by yourself men. No reason you can’t relax too.
9. If your wife, girlfriend, or lover works in an office around a bunch of other women and you REALLY want to impress them… I mean her, you may try the Lancelot approach. I guarantee you if you walk into that office with roses in hand and in a full suit of armor no one will ever forget it. Ever. Not to mention wearing armor and fighting imaginary dragons is cool as shit.
10. Take her outside at night and randomly point at a shining light in the sky and tell her you paid to have that star named after her. When the star begins to move because it is obviously a plane, just tell her that is the power of your love.
I asked as a daily opinion what time period you would like to live during if you were able to time travel. My answer would be back in the days of knights… but more of a romantic knight. I thought long and hard on the name and I came up with Sir Jason the Opportunist. Has a nice ring of truth to it. If I see a damsel in distress over say… her cat in a tree. I will be there to save her! Lost dog on the manor? Sir Jason to the rescue! Dragon attacking the village…? Isn’t there a town watch or something for that kind of stuff?
Opportunity keeps a man alive! Never was that more true than further back into history when the price of a man was cheaper than dirt. You had to have brains and know when to show your brawn, and when to turn tail and run… for reinforcements because a General doesn’t fight in the front lines. That is just stupid… what kind of chess are you playing?
Women there is one bite of the meal that you should never attempt to take. It really doesn’t matter if you are a girlfriend, wife, or the Queen of England the last bite of a meal is off limits! I mean honestly, who takes the last bite of a guy’s meal? Oh right… women do. That just isn’t right! That is in many ways the equivalent to stealing the last breath from someone. You going to use that oxygen? Yes? Well too bad! Let me stab my fork in it!
The first thing you should do is break down and cry. We have to endure this tactic constantly, let’s fight fire with fire men. Women can’t stand when men cry either… they will think you are one of two things. She will either reject you even more for being a pansy ass cry baby OR she will suddenly “connect” with you on another level and take you back as her new “sensitive man.” Cutting onions helps.
Date her friend. You have a 50/50 chance of making her jealous and isn’t it worth the two week investment for revenge? Who cares if the dish is cold or not…
As soon as the words “No you suck” come out of her mouth begin to converse with God. Ensure you add some head nods and frantic whispering. This will make her so uncomfortable that it will offset your own discomfort from being rejected. Well played sir.
Make a Youtube video and send it to her begging her to take you back… even if you have never dated before…
Stare at her for five minutes without saying anything and then nonchalantly say “I wasn’t talking to you.”
Tell her with a straight face “Well too bad! You just missed out on dating a super hero!” Then run away making a “motor sound” with your mouth. Move your arms really fast too, it makes you seem like you’re moving at super human speed!
Yell “I hate women!” and walk away. For some reason this always gets women…
Be strong men. Being rejected by women is simply our little piece of hell on this planet. At least they provided alcohol here.
For more lifesaving tips on relationships please visit https://aopinionatedman.com/category/relationship-articles/