For Males Only – “Women are EASY to Understand”


I see a lot of articles by both men and women claiming that “women are hard to understand.” Why do people find women so complex and difficult to decipher? I figured it was my duty to provide some basic pieces of information for those “lost souls” that cannot understand the opposite sex. You may thank me later world.

Women want a manly man. They want a guy that can rundown a bull and belt out poetry while fighting bad guys with one hand. One tip I hand to men is to always carry a whistle on a date. This isn’t a “rape whistle,” but in fact a “notice me asshole Taxi Driver” whistle! Nothing is more emasculating than franticly trying to wave down a taxi and getting passed by time and time again. Then the woman raises a pinky and “WALLAH” your chariot has arrived! I have solved this problem by carrying a whistle because I can’t do the cool “two finger technique” from the movies. Instead I will blow the shit out of that whistle and hope to impress the woman with my large, bulging red cheeks. You know what they say about large cheeks right…

Men understand that women like flashy things and “the moment.” I have found a way to make ANY moment special. I walk around with a pocket full of glitter and will spontaneously shout “PRESTO” while throwing a handful in the air. The only time this fails to impress is if you happen to be dating a circus performer… they generally expect a second act.

Many females like active and athletic men. I am lazy and get tired just thinking about running, however, I have solved this silly expectation by pretending to get ready to “work out” multiple times a week. I never actually do anything, but the glamour of seeing me “warrior up” normally does the trick. If that fails I MAY do a couple of pushups if the gravitational pull of the earth feels particularly weak.

Apparently women think that men don’t clean… or cook. Men are also really lazy when it comes to remembering when we did it last during arguments. I have solved this issue by creating a Facebook page called “Look honey I did the dishes.” Providing an easily referenced source for women to ponder over BEFORE the argument will always benefit you in the long run. I suggest secondary and third sites for cooking and chores which we men “don’t do ever.”

I don’t understand why guys give up so easily in fights. I know the enemy is cunning and will use loose historical fact to back their attacks. This can easily be repelled, however, by simply never admitting anything. “Did you eat my leftovers from last night?” Nope, no idea what you are talking about… maybe it was the dog…“We don’t have a dog…” Are you sure we don’t have a dog? I have seen many dogs today. You see what I did there men? It isn’t lying if there is enough truth to make it float. If all else fails… use the backup plan and throw glitter in the air and run.

-Opinionated Man

IMG_1416-4

Women are Crazy (The way to lose your female readers)


This is not a relationship blog, but occasionally I will write about and share some revolutionary facts that I discover in my life. Here is one fact that I would love to write about (but not discuss) women are crazy. I would go so far as to say “most” women are crazy and the funny part is they make sense to each other. That really is the kicker, because women can understand the craziness in one another, they then do not consider themselves crazy. Impeccable logic to be sure, it is hard to debate evidence so sound.

Women pick arguments on purpose. The only time men pick arguments on purpose is if we do not like someone, we are drunk, there is a Raider’s fan in the room, or we decide to act macho in front of our woman. Men do not often argue just to argue, do you know why ladies? We are lazy and it is hard to watch Sportscenter AND drink a beer while you argue. Ok, so why is women arguing so crazy? Because of the reason they do it, women argue and pick fights with men “to test their relationship.” That is the whole “if the rubber band breaks” concept that women are working on. They obviously haven’t heard of the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” concept that men love.

Women ask questions that they know the answers to. Guys, they still expect an answer. And God help you if the answer is not politically and socially correct. You may want to bring a cue card with a few facts and pointers to back up your answer, though those facts will help very little if your answer is different from hers. These actions by women can also be tests; you know those random pop quizzes we hated in school, well now we get them in marriage and long term relationships. Your girlfriend or wife has just become the teacher from hell.

Women really don’t care about your opinion most the time. You know “they” say that a good conversation is good dialogue between the two participants. Whoever “they” were, “they” were obviously not talking to a woman. A woman does not want your input on a topic she has already decided upon. You are allowed a couple head nods, a few confirmation noises (to let her know you are still listening), and a really big “you are absolutely right honey” near the end. That is all that is required, or better yet necessary, to successfully navigate through a conversation with a woman. One last thing, if you even dare to talk about a subject she knows nothing about just give up, women quickly grow bored with topics that don’t interest them. Notice the way she “sighs” and glances around the room every five minutes, those are your hints.

Give up trying to keep up with your wife or girlfriend’s social drama, whether at work or with her friends. Never side with Becky, her hated arch-rival, unless Becky is going to let you sleep on her couch. Do not dare and sympathize with Helga, her dictator of a boss, or your soup might taste a bit off tonight. If your wife is on Facebook just be prepared for monthly breakdowns and breakups. I think women came up with the term “BFF” so they could have one more thing to break up with in this world. Women are crazy.

-Opinionated Man

IMG_1416-2

The Power of Pretty


The power of pretty is evident all around us today. It is on social media, on the television, and walking in front of us at the mall. It is an idea or concept held by society that defines what we consider beautiful and attractive. There is real power in being pretty that is often scorned and mocked verbally, but we all internally know of its existence. The power of pretty can take you far.

What is the power of pretty? This power can grant you wishes you never dreamed of! Have you ever wanted to be a beautiful, yet ferocious vampire that leaps around in trees and is just charming enough to convince a perfectly healthy young damsel into accepting the life of an undead? Try the power of pretty! I hear it even makes your skin glitter in the sun. Have you ever had difficulty reaching the top shelf at work and need help? Try the power of pretty! Help is on the way!

The power of pretty is mightier than any penis or vagina known to man. It carries the weight and authority of the wearer. Some people are simply better at wielding this great influence on humanity, just as some people are simply prettier than other people. For instance a true practitioner of the power of pretty can still be pretty while crying. That is a higher level of pretty and beginners in the practice probably shouldn’t try it. It is very easy to change from the power of pretty to the power of ugly.

I am jealous of those that have this power. They are everyday superheroes that don’t even know the blessing that has been bestowed upon them. Most comic characters have to undergo great trials and tribulations to gain their superpowers. The power of pretty is given by birth. That is probably why it is taken for granted so often. Nothing is more shameful than seeing the power of pretty wasted.

-Opinionated Man

IMG_1416

The Day The Feminists Came


Disclaimer: If you are a member of the feminist movement I really wouldn’t read this. Fair warning.

The Cast

Opinionated Man – Played by Jason Cushman because no “real” white people would take the part and he was the closest thing we could find.

G.I. Jane – Obviously a feminist in army boots.

Bill – Random male feminist.

The Ballerina – An actual ballerina.

Hillary Clinton’s younger self – Even sounded like her too.

Emma Watson – I will be honest and say that a lot of people look the same to me. You can take that statement for what it is worth. She sure looked like she knew a spell or two though.

Helga – I honestly think her name really was Helga.

The doorbell of inevitability rang and I opened it to find a feminist brigade at my door. It sure felt militant to me. There were angry stares, mean glares, signs and possibly a torch or two. I couldn’t read the writing because I didn’t have my reading glasses on, but the words sure looked hurtful. I prepared myself for battle.

G.I. Jane: “Are you Jason Cushman that writes the blog HarsH ReaLiTy under the pen name Opinionated Man?”

Opinionated Man: “Gee… no I think he lives next door. Abrasive bastard, good luck!”

Emma Watson: “Oh no Mr. Cushman. We know it is you. I have seen your picture and even read the article you wrote on my hero Emma. I thought your words were pathetic.”

Opinionated Man: “Someone sounds hungry. When was the last time you girls ate?”

The Ballerina: “We are here to tell you to leave this state! We don’t like your kind in Colorado!”

Opinionated Man: “Man you are beautiful.”

G.I. Jane: “Hey! Don’t visually assault her! And keep your sexist phrases to yourself!”

Opinionated Man: “I am sorry, you are right that was sexist. I meant you are ugly I guess?”

Hillary Clinton: “Look you have two choices. Either recant your statements, remove your blog, and join our movement or know that you have subscribed yourself to a lifetime of debate over women’s rights.”

Opinionated Man: “Oh my. Such a hard decision. Both of those sound about as fun as playing shuffleboard the rest of my life… but I’ll go with option “B” Hillary.”

Bill: “WE THOUGHT YOU WOULD SAY THAT!!!”

Opinionated Man: “Bill… why are you shouting louder than the women? Are you trying to prove something? And dude… heels? Really?”

Helga: [mumbles something foreign]

Bill: “Yea… they actually really suck.”

Opinionated Man: “Dude the game is on. Wanna come in and watch the game and have a beer? We can leave these women to crusade against my rose bush.”

Bill: “Sure man thanks. That sounds like fun.”

The End

IMG_1416-0

Relationship Blogs – Women GET to be Picky!


I love reading relationship posts, dating, and articles on love when a woman states how hard it is to “get a guy.” I think often the wording being used is wrong because in most cases the woman is talking about a specific guy or a certain type. In general I feel it is VERY easy for women to get guys… just perhaps not the “Brad Pitt” they are looking for.

I am of the strong opinion that most women can afford to be picky in relationships. It really doesn’t matter how cute she is or even how attractive she finds herself, the bottom line is that in most cases women hold the control of whether or not a relationship will take place. Often times you will read women posting their relationship woes and the truth is that they are going for men that are out of their league. The reality is that even though a woman may not be able to pick a certain “category of man” she still has her “choice” in the groups below that one. This does not take into consideration matters of confidence, but I suppose that is really what this article is about. Why do women lack confidence in relationships when they deal the cards, choose the game, and even decide when the game ends?

Only certain men get to be picky. I love it when feminist and disgruntled women paint ALL MEN as predators. “We are all so aggressive in love and lust and we take what is not given to us.” The stereotype that men are the most forward sex is dead wrong. I am not sure what 5% of men in the world set the bar for ALL other men, but the majority of guys I have encountered are anything but aggressive. Sure I know a few that might be classified as “players,” but they do not constitute the majority. Personally I would be annoyed to see all men act alike and always be on the hunt. How ridiculous would the club scene be if every man in the building were equal in their sexual aggression? Are women missing the group of nerds in the corner daring each other to ask a pretty girl at the bar out? Or the fifty guys dancing with the “wall” because they don’t dare move a few steps onto the dance floor? But all men are misogynist bastards out for the kill right? Wrong…

Women get to be picky and that is their right as the “fairer sex.” Was that offensive? Too bad, I wouldn’t even begin to feel sorry for saying the truth. And the truth is that the men many of you women are ranting about consist of such a small percentage of males it isn’t even worth the generalization. But go ahead with your blanket statements of men and how hard relationships are for women. I’m not buying it.

-Opinionated Man

IMG_1416-4

If I were a Woman – By: OM


If I were a woman I would never wear a turtleneck… ever. You hold a distinct advantage over mankind. Why hide it?

If I were a woman I would always use crying first in arguments or tense situations, not as the last resort. Men can’t take crying, it throws us off no matter how tough we are. Try it women. Next time you want to get out of a day of work go to your manager and start to talk and then just burst out in tears. He won’t know what the hell to do and will in many cases just say “hey whatever it is… IT IS COOL go take care of it…” you might want to sniffle out a “thanks Billy…” at the end.

I would never pay for a drink in my life unless I am drinking at 7 am and I am the only pathetic human at the bar…

I would never say or do anything without making dramatic gestures. I don’t know why… but they do that and it looks cool. I think it has to either do with adding emphasis to their words OR they are secretly throwing magic powers at us men…

If I were a woman I would rule the world. Pity… guess no woman is as great as me currently.

-OM

IMG_1416-4