Men Only – 10 Rules for Sex


Here are some pieces of advice I have on sex and they are obviously mostly for men, but maybe some women can relate to them as well.

1. Men don’t be too quick to defend yourself. When she says “was that it?” Don’t immediately say “but baby that was 2 minutes and 35 seconds longer than last time…”

2. Men you may not want to watch the football game while having sex. If you just “happen” to sync your sexual activities with that of a two minute drill going on women WILL notice. And they don’t take too kindly to it when suddenly everyone is clapping right on queue.

3. If you throw the pillow case and ask for a timeout for a water break and then get distracted by a playoff game while downstairs don’t expect sex for another 4.3 weeks.

4. Using condiments and making things interesting is fine during sex up until a certain point. That point normally begins when you hear voices that say “Are you guys making dessert in there? I hear whipped cream… I want some!”

5. Guys if you get caught looking at the clock have an answer ready for when your woman asks “what are you looking at?” I normally pick the water glass that should be there by the bed because hydration is important, “I was making sure no one was putting anything in your drink.” When she says “…but we’re at home…” you then need to look frustrated and say “baby can we concentrate on our next moves?”

6. Getting caught having sex in public, like in a car at the park, stops being “cute” and “romantic” at a certain age. The walk of shame is a little worse when your 18 year old has to bail you out from prison and drive you home.

7. Have an answer ready for when women ask you those questions like “was it good for you baby?” I like to go overboard with my answer to stop any further conversation. “Yea baby! This Captain is sure happy! You rocked the boat!” If that one gets old you can change it up with something like “This warrior is sure glad he visited this village!”

8. Sometimes women say silly things they have either heard other people say or seen on movies. If a woman says “Baby it is so large” and you are pretty sure it isn’t… just smile and try not to roll your eyes.

9. Pretending you are a superhero makes sex better.

10. Guys don’t just roll off and run do other things. At least give her a high five before you go. That lets her know you care.

Disclaimer: HarsH ReaLiTy is not responsible for any outcome from having followed any of the above advice. We encourage caution while dealing with sensitive subjects such as these.

-Opinionated Man

 

Crazy Things Women Do


Women do a number of things I consider crazy. Know that when I say “crazy” I mean it in a purely negative way in case there was any confusion.

The Porcelain Set – I have seen some crazy, borderline psychopathic, porcelain sets in some apartments and homes. Do you know what freaks the hell out of me? Waking up in a stranger’s bed and being surrounded by 200 eyes because you have 100 creepy ass dolls staring at me. Why do you have so many dolls when you are over 25 years old? And if you have a name and story for each one that is just a little more strange women…

The Gift Keeper – I call women the “gift keepers” if they save every present ever given to them by a man… and those presents are ALL on display for every new boyfriend to see. Do you women realize what a turn off that is? “Please don’t play with that… that was a gift from Bob.” Who the hell is Bob?

The World Traveler – Have you ever visited a woman/girl’s room and her wall is full of pictures of men. All of which are different races? It kind of looks like a NATO convention, only the hearts everywhere throw that image off. When you ask her “who are these guys?” you get a “Oh… just my ex-boyfriends!” So you aren’t a world traveler, you just apparently really love “the world.” Do I complete the puzzle?

Crazy Laugh – I know you can’t always control your laugh, but while I am pointing stuff out I may as well note that if you have a laugh somewhere between a sick hyena and a serial killer you might want to tone that down a little. It is really hard for us men to view a “crazy laugh” as cute.

Miss Popular – This is really just a personal criticism. Sure we all run into friends when we are out occasionally, but it is REALLY irritating if you date someone and they ALWAYS know someone anywhere you go. You start to feel like you are either dating a player… or a prostitute. Or maybe they are an undercover celebrity which would be a score right?

“I am not hungry” – I hate women that say “I am not hungry.” It is always a lie, it is never true, and women are always hungry. They eat in secret when we aren’t around or not looking OR they claim to not be hungry and then eat 75% of your burger. Wars have been started for less reason.

“I didn’t buy it for today” – I will go ahead and admit I have no clue about women and fashion apparently. I am still confused when my wife buys something only to immediately hang it in her closet. “I didn’t buy it for today” is a hook line I have received and my question is always the same. “When did you buy it for?”

“I wrote it on my public online journal and he found it!” - I see a lot of women make this mistake. Don’t you ladies know men are stalkers and if you connect any social media platform with one another we will find those other outlets of information? How often do you read a shocked woman’s exclamation about what someone else found only to find out that she put it online in the first place? If you put anything on the internet a guy WILL find it and sometimes even if you think you deleted whatever it was. The trick is to view the “cached.”

-OM

“Men Can’t Write”


I am not sure why I keep seeing these articles pop up lately. Perhaps my eye just catches the titles or maybe I am attracted to possible conflict. I swear if I read one more article by a female blogger that states “men don’t blog because they don’t have the patience to write or they can’t write period” I am going to put my Darth Vader outfit on. I am so glad I did not sell the Death Star to Bill Gates like he asked.

If you are waiting for a name or a link I won’t provide one. You know who you are! If you think men can’t write or lack the aptitude for blogging I suggest you hang out with smarter men. Or perhaps you are the type of woman that surrounds herself with lesser creatures… so as to feel more important. I know this is a common character among women and I never understood it. I had many friends during grade school and college and never once was there a prerequisite of stupidity to gain my acceptance. In fact, I am of the firm belief that surrounding yourself with excellence invites motivation and the stimulation of the mind.

I won’t sit here and name off the great male writers of our time or even the historical ones. That would be pointless because obviously the women saying these things don’t recognize those “men” as part of the male category. This provides even more evidence to me that they are basing their judgment off people they probably know in real life. Let me offer a rare apology.

I am sorry your husband sucks at writing love poems. I am sorry your boyfriend doesn’t pay attention to you and falls asleep while you are still on page one of your new flash fiction project. I am sorry your family doesn’t recognize writing as a profession and because of this you take your anger out on the easiest target you can find. And who better to rant upon than the opposite sex? Those evil creatures with penises! How dare they begin to blog and try to take over this “coveted activity” that is reserved for women in your eyes. How dare they?!?

I have never met a woman that writes like I do. I have met tons of women that write very well and possibly far better than I ever will. I would never be stupid enough to sit here and say “women can’t write,” so I am thus shocked by these posts and I am left with one question.

How dumb are you?

-OM

Don’t You Women See the Sign?


I would like to take the time to finally point out that continuously women have read my “Men Only” articles. Not only that, they have commented! Don’t people follow rules anymore? I for one am appalled at all the rule breaking I have seen going on in these threads. It is just shocking people. Shocking.

-OM

Relationship Blogs


I keep seeing these relationship blogs. I am sorry if I sound amused… I am. What exactly are you women, and some men as well (I won’t comment on the guys further), looking for? I also see this faery tale idea of what a relationship is supposed to look like.

Woman’s Version

Man rides home on his valiant steed. He pulls off his gold helmet (gold right? because having a steel helmet would not be practical, thanks ladies!) and shakes his head slowly letting his perfectly trimmed and combed hair catch every single ray of sunlight. This grotesque motion is finished with a blinding smile of disturbingly; almost satanic, white teeth as he throws his leg over his horse and leaps down.

Next comes different versions of the tale, kind of like those old choose your own adventure books, but most women’s minds run at a disturbingly fast pace when they see something they want.

So the story would proceed like this… the Knight (yes, suddenly he is a knight) throws the game he caught over to the servants, dances his horse to the stable, dances his way into the castle, dances his way to his room and somehow while still dancing changes his clothes. Now our hero (upgraded to hero status) is in a silk robe and belts out poetry while juggling twelve swords and drinking only water. He then does all the dishes, cleans the manor, puts the kids to bed, and goes to sleep… still dancing by the way.

Now for the fun part, the man’s version of the above story.

Man’s Version

The Knight gallops into the manor at full speed. He tosses his spear casually to a servant, accidently impaling a would be assassin in the process. His dragon armor, blessed by twelve popes, two medicine men, and one Lutheran friar from Germany, comes off easily with one finger as he undresses while getting off his steed. His steed meanwhile walks his own ass to the stable. The King (yea… we get to upgrade to) begins to walk to the manor. Wife one brings him his shot of whisky. Wife two brings him his beer. Wife three brings him his slippers. Wife four brings him his pipe. Wife five is there to make sure wives one through four leave the King alone. The King smiles. He claps his hands, everyone goes away, and he pulls out his magic box and his magic disc that has the cryptic words Halo 4 on it. It is good to be King.

So ladies do you now see why your fantasy is a bit off? Possibly because it is totally off from ours…

Last post of the day. Have a safe holiday all.

-Opinionated Man

“Give me your face”


So my wife looks at me this morning and laughs while saying “You rolled over last night and said “give me your face.” I told you no.

So apparently I may be a psychopathic, mysogonistic, the enemy, egotistical, physopathic, demon child, bigot that everyone thinks. Because that is what someone like that would say while dreaming right? Or no? You know you people say these big ass words to me and I don’t bother to Google them. I just assume they are really bad because honestly when you say them out loud they sound… really bad. If I had feelings they might be hurt.

-OM