Women – Don’t Get Me Stabbed


I request that people email me if they have questions or wish to reach out to me. I don’t Facebook message, I don’t private Twitter message, I don’t LinkedIn message, and I avoid uncomfortable situations. Those situations would include the following.

1. I receive an email from an admirer and they inadvertently say “I love you.” My wife finds said email and lovingly places a knife in me. Now while that story holds a lot of love, I would rather not get stabbed… ever.

2. Person A messages me on Facebook and my wife gets on Facebook, but doesn’t realize she is on my account. She decides to message her best friend Helga and then notices that the message button on Facebook is flashing. She obviously clicks on it, because women are clickers, and behold it is a message asking me what I am wearing. Well my wife, since she doesn’t read my blog, has no clue that my previous post was “Guess what I am wearing?” She then grabs a knife and we revert back to the ending from the previous scenario. Again, stabbing not good.

3. Woman B sends me a message through LinkedIn in which she proclaims what an inspiration I am. My wife happens upon this message on my phone, but because women see only what they wish to see she replaces the words “inspiring” with “sexing.” By the time she is done reading the email hell is blazing from her eyes. And hell makes you pay…

4. Blogger C emails me and asks if their new profile photo is a good idea for their blog bio. My wife, because she doesn’t blog, thinks the bio is from an online dating site. The photo happens to be of you in a Halloween costume, which ironically is a Korean school girl. My wife hates Korean school girls. Stabbing and death are the end of this story as well.

I could really go on and as much as you may be laughing this is a serious matter. The above reasons really underline why I don’t “converse” much through social media. Feel free and email me WordPress, but let’s keep the messaging to a minimal. It is never ok to text me either… and honestly that is a bit creepy.

-OM

For Males Only – “Women are EASY to Understand”


I see a lot of articles by both men and women claiming that “women are hard to understand.” Why do people find women so complex and difficult to decipher? I figured it was my duty to provide some basic pieces of information for those “lost souls” that cannot understand the opposite sex. You may thank me later world.

Women want a manly man. They want a guy that can rundown a bull and belt out poetry while fighting bad guys with one hand. One tip I hand to men is to always carry a whistle on a date. This isn’t a “rape whistle,” but in fact a “notice me asshole Taxi Driver” whistle! Nothing is more emasculating than franticly trying to wave down a taxi and getting passed by time and time again. Then the woman raises a pinky and “WALLAH” your chariot has arrived! I have solved this problem by carrying a whistle because I can’t do the cool “two finger technique” from the movies. Instead I will blow the shit out of that whistle and hope to impress the woman with my large, bulging red cheeks. You know what they say about large cheeks right…

Men understand that women like flashy things and “the moment.” I have found a way to make ANY moment special. I walk around with a pocket full of glitter and will spontaneously shout “PRESTO” while throwing a handful in the air. The only time this fails to impress is if you happen to be dating a circus performer… they generally expect a second act.

Many females like active and athletic men. I am lazy and get tired just thinking about running, however, I have solved this silly expectation by pretending to get ready to “work out” multiple times a week. I never actually do anything, but the glamour of seeing me “warrior up” normally does the trick. If that fails I MAY do a couple of pushups if the gravitational pull of the earth feels particularly weak.

Apparently women think that men don’t clean… or cook. Men are also really lazy when it comes to remembering when we did it last during arguments. I have solved this issue by creating a Facebook page called “Look honey I did the dishes.” Providing an easily referenced source for women to ponder over BEFORE the argument will always benefit you in the long run. I suggest secondary and third sites for cooking and chores which we men “don’t do ever.”

I don’t understand why guys give up so easily in fights. I know the enemy is cunning and will use loose historical fact to back their attacks. This can easily be repelled, however, by simply never admitting anything. “Did you eat my leftovers from last night?” Nope, no idea what you are talking about… maybe it was the dog…“We don’t have a dog…” Are you sure we don’t have a dog? I have seen many dogs today. You see what I did there men? It isn’t lying if there is enough truth to make it float. If all else fails… use the backup plan and throw glitter in the air and run.

-Opinionated Man

Ways to Keep from getting “Friendzoned”


Stop being her friend!!! Stop doing countless favors for her! You know that you are one step away from being called “the work horse” right?

Beat up her boyfriend or love interest. If he is bigger than you… challenge him to a dance battle. Make sure you practice those moves though; you don’t want to “get served.”

Get a girlfriend!!! The fastest way out of the “friendzone” is to make her jealous. Get a girlfriend, preferably one that looks just like your “friend,” and go from there. If you see the green eye of jealousy… SUCCESS!

Change what you like. You are obviously getting friendzoned because you like things she does… which is the issue. Why are you watching Sex in the City? Invite her to a Rambo marathon and break down that friend barrier!

All of your friends are girls… and not a single guy. This might be sending out the “wrong signal.” If you are truly interested in girls you may want to make that obvious. I suggest slipping in a sexist joke every other sentence to ensure they recognize your manliness.

You never make a move. Ever. It is really hard to “date” someone if you never ask them out. Cowboy up buddy.

You listen to her relationship drama. If you become “that guy” who gets called every time your “friend” breaks up with her current man, you will never get out of that role. Don’t accept it, don’t live it, and if she keeps calling you suggest she calls Dr. Phil.

-OM

Some Relationship Advice – The Last Bite


Women there is one bite of the meal that you should never attempt to take. It really doesn’t matter if you are a girlfriend, wife, or the Queen of England the last bite of a meal is off limits! I mean honestly, who takes the last bite of a guy’s meal? Oh right… women do. That just isn’t right! That is in many ways the equivalent to stealing the last breath from someone. You going to use that oxygen? Yes? Well too bad! Let me stab my fork in it!

-OM

How to know if your Man is cheating! By: OW


Weigh him! If he weighs more than a pig he is cheating on you! Since the beginning of the church we have been taught that a man’s sins make him heavier. This is obvious proof right? Or was that for witches…

Ask him 574 questions in a row until he messes up on one. Then you GOT HIM! Cheating little bastard!!!

Withhold sex from him until he admits it. This will NOT be because he ends up cheating out of desperately wanting sex… …

Follow him! Follow his ass everywhere and bring a camera crew. You might even want to contact MTV for a show.

Follow his brother! If his brother is a cheater then you can count your pennies that your man is also. It is a genetic thing.

Watch for differences in personality. Wait… is that happiness I see? Who the hell is he talking to!!! Cheating bastard! Men are evil!!!

-Opinionated Woman

Women are Crazy (The way to lose your female readers)


This is not a relationship blog, but occasionally I will write about and share some revolutionary facts that I discover in my life. Here is one fact that I would love to write about (but not discuss) women are crazy. I would go so far as to say “most” women are crazy and the funny part is they make sense to each other. That really is the kicker, because women can understand the craziness in one another, they then do not consider themselves crazy. Impeccable logic to be sure, it is hard to debate evidence so sound.

Women pick arguments on purpose. The only time men pick arguments on purpose is if we do not like someone, we are drunk, there is a Raider’s fan in the room, or we decide to act macho in front of our woman. Men do not often argue just to argue, do you know why ladies? We are lazy and it is hard to watch Sportscenter AND drink a beer while you argue. Ok, so why is women arguing so crazy? Because of the reason they do it, women argue and pick fights with men “to test their relationship.” That is the whole “if the rubber band breaks” concept that women are working on. They obviously haven’t heard of the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” concept that men love.

Women ask questions that they know the answers to. Guys, they still expect an answer. And God help you if the answer is not politically and socially correct. You may want to bring a cue card with a few facts and pointers to back up your answer, though those facts will help very little if your answer is different from hers. These actions by women can also be tests; you know those random pop quizzes we hated in school, well now we get them in marriage and long term relationships. Your girlfriend or wife has just become the teacher from hell.

Women really don’t care about your opinion most the time. You know “they” say that a good conversation is good dialogue between the two participants. Whoever “they” were, “they” were obviously not talking to a woman. A woman does not want your input on a topic she has already decided upon. You are allowed a couple head nods, a few confirmation noises (to let her know you are still listening), and a really big “you are absolutely right honey” near the end. That is all that is required, or better yet necessary, to successfully navigate through a conversation with a woman. One last thing, if you even dare to talk about a subject she knows nothing about just give up, women quickly grow bored with topics that don’t interest them. Notice the way she “sighs” and glances around the room every five minutes, those are your hints.

Give up trying to keep up with your wife or girlfriend’s social drama, whether at work or with her friends. Never side with Becky, her hated arch-rival, unless Becky is going to let you sleep on her couch. Do not dare and sympathize with Helga, her dictator of a boss, or your soup might taste a bit off tonight. If your wife is on Facebook just be prepared for monthly breakdowns and breakups. I think women came up with the term “BFF” so they could have one more thing to break up with in this world. Women are crazy.

-Opinionated Man