Women are Crazy (The way to lose your female readers)


This is not a relationship blog, but occasionally I will write about and share some revolutionary facts that I discover in my life. Here is one fact that I would love to write about (but not discuss) women are crazy. I would go so far as to say “most” women are crazy and the funny part is they make sense to each other. That really is the kicker, because women can understand the craziness in one another, they then do not consider themselves crazy. Impeccable logic to be sure, it is hard to debate evidence so sound.

Women pick arguments on purpose. The only time men pick arguments on purpose is if we do not like someone, we are drunk, there is a Raider’s fan in the room, or we decide to act macho in front of our woman. Men do not often argue just to argue, do you know why ladies? We are lazy and it is hard to watch Sportscenter AND drink a beer while you argue. Ok, so why is women arguing so crazy? Because of the reason they do it, women argue and pick fights with men “to test their relationship.” That is the whole “if the rubber band breaks” concept that women are working on. They obviously haven’t heard of the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” concept that men love.

Women ask questions that they know the answers to. Guys, they still expect an answer. And God help you if the answer is not politically and socially correct. You may want to bring a cue card with a few facts and pointers to back up your answer, though those facts will help very little if your answer is different from hers. These actions by women can also be tests; you know those random pop quizzes we hated in school, well now we get them in marriage and long term relationships. Your girlfriend or wife has just become the teacher from hell.

Women really don’t care about your opinion most the time. You know “they” say that a good conversation is good dialogue between the two participants. Whoever “they” were, “they” were obviously not talking to a woman. A woman does not want your input on a topic she has already decided upon. You are allowed a couple head nods, a few confirmation noises (to let her know you are still listening), and a really big “you are absolutely right honey” near the end. That is all that is required, or better yet necessary, to successfully navigate through a conversation with a woman. One last thing, if you even dare to talk about a subject she knows nothing about just give up, women quickly grow bored with topics that don’t interest them. Notice the way she “sighs” and glances around the room every five minutes, those are your hints.

Give up trying to keep up with your wife or girlfriend’s social drama, whether at work or with her friends. Never side with Becky, her hated arch-rival, unless Becky is going to let you sleep on her couch. Do not dare and sympathize with Helga, her dictator of a boss, or your soup might taste a bit off tonight. If your wife is on Facebook just be prepared for monthly breakdowns and breakups. I think women came up with the term “BFF” so they could have one more thing to break up with in this world. Women are crazy.

-Opinionated Man

For Males Only – “Women are EASY to Understand”


I see a lot of articles by both men and women claiming that “women are hard to understand.” Why do people find women so complex and difficult to decipher? I figured it was my duty to provide some basic pieces of information for those “lost souls” that cannot understand the opposite sex. You may thank me later world.

Women want a manly man. They want a guy that can rundown a bull and belt out poetry while fighting bad guys with one hand. One tip I hand to men is to always carry a whistle on a date. This isn’t a “rape whistle,” but in fact a “notice me asshole Taxi Driver” whistle! Nothing is more emasculating than franticly trying to wave down a taxi and getting passed by time and time again. Then the woman raises a pinky and “WALLAH” your chariot has arrived! I have solved this problem by carrying a whistle because I can’t do the cool “two finger technique” from the movies. Instead I will blow the shit out of that whistle and hope to impress the woman with my large, bulging red cheeks. You know what they say about large cheeks right…

Men understand that women like flashy things and “the moment.” I have found a way to make ANY moment special. I walk around with a pocket full of glitter and will spontaneously shout “PRESTO” while throwing a handful in the air. The only time this fails to impress is if you happen to be dating a circus performer… they generally expect a second act.

Many females like active and athletic men. I am lazy and get tired just thinking about running, however, I have solved this silly expectation by pretending to get ready to “work out” multiple times a week. I never actually do anything, but the glamour of seeing me “warrior up” normally does the trick. If that fails I MAY do a couple of pushups if the gravitational pull of the earth feels particularly weak.

Apparently women think that men don’t clean… or cook. Men are also really lazy when it comes to remembering when we did it last during arguments. I have solved this issue by creating a Facebook page called “Look honey I did the dishes.” Providing an easily referenced source for women to ponder over BEFORE the argument will always benefit you in the long run. I suggest secondary and third sites for cooking and chores which we men “don’t do ever.”

I don’t understand why guys give up so easily in fights. I know the enemy is cunning and will use loose historical fact to back their attacks. This can easily be repelled, however, by simply never admitting anything. “Did you eat my leftovers from last night?” Nope, no idea what you are talking about… maybe it was the dog…“We don’t have a dog…” Are you sure we don’t have a dog? I have seen many dogs today. You see what I did there men? It isn’t lying if there is enough truth to make it float. If all else fails… use the backup plan and throw glitter in the air and run.

-Opinionated Man

Don’t Preach to me Feminists


Don’t preach to me feminists about what you stand for anymore. Here is an idea, go preach to your “so called group.” It is OTHER FEMINISTS that are giving you a bad name. I suggest an annual convention to really get your group’s goals down in print.

I hate arguing with feminists. All they have to say is “well you don’t get feminism.” Others will say “well those women aren’t really feminists.” At what point do WE that aren’t feminist get to say “well what makes your feminist views better than that girls over there?” All this man hate everywhere is so amusing to me. Who do you hate women? The successful man? The privileged man? The good looking men or maybe the men that just think they are good looking? Do you also hate male bunnies? I do.

When your movement gets taken over by enough fractions it is no longer valid. It is a failure. Taking the goals of the original feminists and calling it something else (how about humanism?) might be a good idea. How long before you all get tired of making excuses for the “other feminists?”

How long before the feminists that are really about equality understand that they are outnumbered by the man hating women in this world? We men have accepted their existence, is it not time you feminists did as well and addressed your internal issue? Open your eyes.

-OM

Women I am here to Help You – Part 1


I am here to help you women. I am here to answer some of the questions that I have actually been asked before. Not really sure why women find men so hard to understand, we are about as easy to get as a book. All you have to do is read the pages. Men are generally far too lazy to be deceitful and when they do try they normally get lazy at some point down the road and end up ratting themselves out. The ones that you should be worried about are the ones that can smile without it touching their eyes, those are dangerous people men or women. I understand why women go for certain guys that they “should know better about,” perhaps he is charming, good looking, has a great car, or is an undercover ninja, superstar assassin. If the guy looks, talks, and reminds you of James Bond just keep moving on. Find yourself a nice studious lad in the library for a change.

Why do men like sports teams so much and why in the hell do they get so into the games?” Women understand that when the world of war was taken from us “civilized” men, we took up the love of sports instead. There is no greater fan than the man that can’t actually do what he is watching. It makes the shit amazing.

Why do men only care about the meat on the plate. If my husband cooked the meals he would forget the vegetables altogether.” It is all about perception I suppose. If I were walking on a path in the woods and I happened upon a dead deer and apple I would probably care more about the deer than the apple. The deer would look tasty and I like to think this is because I have a wolf gene that makes me manly.

Why do men cheat?” Why do women date men that obviously are cheaters?

Why do men always try to get into fights?” Because that guy stepped on my shoe, didn’t say he was sorry, and the fucker was wearing a Tom Brady Patriots jersey. I know! They actually make those! Is there anything more worth fighting for? Seriously!

What is the deal with guys and the movies Rambo and Rocky? They are so boring! I fall asleep every time!” A guy kills hundreds of soldiers with a bow and arrow and there are explosions every five minutes. What is not to like? How the hell do you even fall asleep during a movie like that? And Rocky, average joe beats up Mr. T. Hello! Instant hero!

Why do guys always like to go to the same restaurant over and over and never want to try anything new?” Food is right up there with god in our order of importance to most men. The consumption of food is a ritualistic process and we ensure the order of the universe is not disturbed by going “somewhere new” and getting a bad hamburger or wings. That can honestly ruin your night.

Why don’t guys like the movies women like?” You mean the movies filled with drama and stress filled relationships that make your eyes tighten and you start to forget that it is only a movie. Yea… those are great! Maybe because women like stupid movies like the “Sisterhood of the traveling pants??” I know some chopsticks with better stories.

“I don’t understand… the aliens invaded and he just left me. All alone.” Well this has never been said to me, but when disaster strikes some weighing is definitely done…

-OM

Why you are Alone on Valentine’s Day!


You think all men are pigs. Well show me a pig that can pick out a Hallmark card, pay for it, sign it, and buy chocolate without eating it and I will agree with you! Otherwise… you are just picky and alone.

You measure men against characters from movies. Look we get it, those men in TV shows and popular movies are suave and slick as hell. They also had twenty men AND women write their lines for them. If I had a committee that filtered every word before it came out of my mouth I might just be perfect as well.

You keep trying to meet guys at the club. I will never understand why women choose to get involved with men that are obviously “players” and then get shocked and upset when they get cheated on. You know who won’t cheat on you? The chess club president that is who. I don’t think a chess club president has ever cheated on a girlfriend in the history of chess!

You hated every boyfriend in the past… and you tell every new boyfriend about it. Yes, unfortunately there are some assholes in the world and you just might have dated some of them! I didn’t come on this date to hear about Richard, Bobby, and Joey ok? If you are alone and you have the habit of ranting about Ex-BFs… maybe a time of self-reflection is required.

You look like a runway model every day. This one might be confusing because what guy wouldn’t want to date a model? Sounds like a lot of drama, I mean fun, but I do feel the need to clarify to women that if you step out of your door every day looking like a fashion model… most “average guys” won’t dare to speak to you. All we see is dollar signs walking around in high heels that none of us can afford to buy you.

You hate flowers, you hate chocolate, and you hate bunnies and you hate… If you hate “everything” or are the type that says you “hate everything” I just won’t try. Why waste my time and money? YOU HATE EVERYTHING!

You LOVE Valentine’s Day. Bahumbug… I hate this holiday. I think many men do too, which is why in the Guycode Book it states “that unless you are married or in a serious relationship you should break all non-important social agreements till after gift buying season is over.” See page 69.

-Opinionated Man

For Males Only – 10 Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas


Every year I try to cater to my few male followers and write an opinionated article for Valentine’s day. This is a long standing tradition running a year now. I couldn’t think of anything witty to write this year other than my previous post “Why you are alone on Valentine’s Day” so I decided I would write a list of gift ideas. Take what value you can from it guys, it has served me well.

  1. Buy her a tree. You can decide what type of tree or what size, generally a smaller tree will work, but I never understood why men get caught in this monotonous routine of buying rose after rose. What ends up happening is you will get the same smile and the SAME sex. Get her a tree and sparks are going to fly. Trust me. You can even plant it, but trying to pass off a tree that was previously there is really going to depend on how much she drinks.
  2. Guys if something is wrong with you and you actually like buying women’s clothing then at least do it properly. Figure out what size she wears, clothing has this thing called a tag inside that has numbers on it. You write the numbers down and ask the nice fake smiling lady behind the counter where the so and so is. If you find yourself embarrassed trying to say what you are looking for, describing is acceptable merely by pointing at the different regions of your body, but please abstain from pointing overly at your groin area. This can cause possible law suits or police intervention. Also, to the fathers out there, bring those kids shopping! I don’t know what these “other dudes” are talking about, but kids are CHICK MAGNETS!
  3. I feel a second gift advice is needed for clothing. If you are feeling Indiana Jones adventurous and actually buy your woman a shirt or dress buy a size down at least! Every guy that has been dragged through a mall by a woman, I read recently some Asian guy during Christmas Season literally threw himself off the balcony at the mall because his wife wouldn’t stop shopping, knows that different brands mean that the sizes can technically also be different. Even if the number is the same! Hedge your bet, buy a size or two down and keep the receipt. If she gets mad, which by the way her fury over this will be miniscule compared to her RAGE over you buying a size UP, then you just take it back and try to look puppy dog sorry.
  4. Buying chocolate is a horrible idea and what if you “accidently” get a low-fat chocolate bar. God, Your Life Is Over… and please Youtube that Shit! If you insist on buying her candy get her gum. I never saw a woman that complained about getting a stick of gum. Big League Chew is also a good option.
  5. I think that if you are Korean you might consider inventing a riding vacuum cleaner. I do a lot of vacuuming myself and I think a riding vacuum cleaner would kick ass. Especially if it had a drink holder.
  6. A Man-Shaped Punching Bag – Now this might exist. I am far too lazy to check amazon.com for this, but I think inventing, making, or finding and buying a man-shaped punching bag would be epic! I do caution that if you decide to surprise her with it and hang it in the garage… actually that is a bad idea. And if it is a girlfriend she is probably going to dump you for being a creep.
  7. The “Show me only what I want to see” Camera – If you can make this next Japan please consider inventing a camera that only takes pictures of what women “perceive” they see. And not actually “what” they see. This is for all us husbands that must sit through picture sorting sessions. I hear North Korea uses a similar practice for torture.
  8. Happy Liquor – I wish they could invent a liquor that ONLY makes women happy. No sadness, depression, melt downs, or thrown boxes of Valentine’s day chocolate. Just Happy… [plays Pharrell’s new song HAPPY]
  9. Stress balls that resemble a pair of men’s… jewels. This might seem like an odd or pornographic idea, but think about what a win-win it is men. They get to squeeze something of value in more ways than one and you in turn get to watch those stress lines disappear. You know the ones that appear around the eyes right before “tiger mode.”
  10. A mood ring that works. I think this would also serve as an “emergency response signal” to forewarn us of inclement weather in the near future.
  11. 1,350 Books. This is a great idea for those of us that have multiple sports seasons we love and must watch. If you are married to or dating a book lover get an endless amount of books for them so they won’t hog the television with their awesome channel selections. Trust me, it will work.

Well that will about do it. I am going to just say that the writer of this article, me, takes no responsibility for advice taken or badly followed. Best of luck men in the battle to come. Go Joe!

-Opinionated Man

How to know if your Man is cheating! By: OW


Weigh him! If he weighs more than a pig he is cheating on you! Since the beginning of the church we have been taught that a man’s sins make him heavier. This is obvious proof right? Or was that for witches…

Ask him 574 questions in a row until he messes up on one. Then you GOT HIM! Cheating little bastard!!!

Withhold sex from him until he admits it. This will NOT be because he ends up cheating out of desperately wanting sex… …

Follow him! Follow his ass everywhere and bring a camera crew. You might even want to contact MTV for a show.

Follow his brother! If his brother is a cheater then you can count your pennies that your man is also. It is a genetic thing.

Watch for differences in personality. Wait… is that happiness I see? Who the hell is he talking to!!! Cheating bastard! Men are evil!!!

-Opinionated Woman

Dear OM – “Help! Relationship Advice!”


I feel like there are many men and possibly women that want to write me emails or comment for relationship advice. I know people are busy and have busy lives, therefore I took the liberty of writing some of the questions in a “Dear Abby format” that I am sure would be sent to me.

Dear OM, my wife/girlfriend never cleans up around the house. What do I do???” Ah my dear fool, that is simple to fix. Simply host interviews one weekend for a new maid, say around the age of 20, and I am certain your wife will help out rather quickly.

Dear OM, my wife won’t help me do yard work. She promised to when we bought the home… and to be honest it is a big ass yard! What do I do?” I find that sometimes if we take a setting… and place it in another setting it helps fix the whole issue. Simply buy some mannequins and department store clothes racks, place them in the yard, and shout “there is a sale outside!”

Dear OM, my wife/girlfriend won’t help take care of our pet. She promised to when we got her. I personally hate the animal. What do I do???” First off people shouldn’t befriend their food. Secondly, I would simply go for a long walk…. And claim you were attacked by a bear. Just bring back the leash.

Dear OM, my wife/girlfriend hates my best bud Richard. What do I do? I love them both!” Which do you see yourself with in ten years? Then make a decision based upon clear, strenuous pondering over a six pack of something cold.

Dear OM, I smoke cigars and my wife/girlfriend hates it! She won’t even let me smoke on a golf course! What do I do??? Please help me oh wise one!Ah my son… first off what happens on a golf course, happens on a golf course. Secondly there is this awesome product called Febreeze which can be found in the cleaning section of any major grocery store. Please buy some and get some mouth wash on aisle seven as well.

-Opinionated Man

If I were a Woman – By: OM


If I were a woman I would never wear a turtleneck… ever. You hold a distinct advantage over mankind. Why hide it?

If I were a woman I would always use crying first in arguments or tense situations, not as the last resort. Men can’t take crying, it throws us off no matter how tough we are. Try it women. Next time you want to get out of a day of work go to your manager and start to talk and then just burst out in tears. He won’t know what the hell to do and will in many cases just say “hey whatever it is… IT IS COOL go take care of it…” you might want to sniffle out a “thanks Billy… at the end.”

I would never pay for a drink in my life unless I am drinking at 7 am and I am the only pathetic human at the bar…

I would never say or do anything without making dramatic gestures. I don’t know why… but they do that and it looks cool. I think it has to either do with adding emphasis to their words OR they are secretly throwing magic powers at us men…

If I were a woman I would rule the world. Pity… guess no woman is as great as me currently.

-OM

Relationship Blogs – Women GET to be Picky!


I love reading relationship posts, dating, and articles on love when a woman states how hard it is to “get a guy.” I think often the wording being used is wrong because in most cases the woman is talking about a specific guy or a certain type. In general I feel it is VERY easy for women to get guys… just perhaps not the “Brad Pitt” they are looking for.

I am of the strong opinion that most women can afford to be picky in relationships. It really doesn’t matter how cute she is or even how attractive she finds herself, the bottom line is that in most cases women hold the control of whether or not a relationship will take place. Often times you will read women posting their relationship woes and the truth is that they are going for men that are out of their league. The reality is that even though a woman may not be able to pick a certain “category of man” she still has her “choice” in the groups below that one. This does not take into consideration matters of confidence, but I suppose that is really what this article is about. Why do women lack confidence in relationships when they deal the cards, choose the game, and even decide when the game ends?

Only certain men get to be picky. I love it when feminist and disgruntled women paint ALL MEN as predators. “We are all so aggressive in love and lust and we take what is not given to us.” The stereotype that men are the most forward sex is dead wrong. I am not sure what 5% of men in the world set the bar for ALL other men, but the majority of guys I have encountered are anything but aggressive. Sure I know a few that might be classified as “players,” but they do not constitute the majority. Personally I would be annoyed to see all men act alike and always be on the hunt. How ridiculous would the club scene be if every man in the building were equal in their sexual aggression? Are women missing the group of nerds in the corner daring each other to ask a pretty girl at the bar out? Or the fifty guys dancing with the “wall” because they don’t dare move a few steps onto the dance floor? But all men are misogynist bastards out for the kill right? Wrong…

Women get to be picky and that is their right as the “fairer sex.” Was that offensive? Too bad, I wouldn’t even begin to feel sorry for saying the truth. And the truth is that the men many of you women are ranting about consist of such a small percentage of males it isn’t even worth the generalization. But go ahead with your blanket statements of men and how hard relationships are for women. I’m not buying it.

-Opinionated Man

My Opinion on Fashion – Part 1


Why not right? I have already been called a dumbass and an asshole this week, so I might as well have some fashion bloggers tell me how stupid I am to top it off! Here is my take on current fashion.

I am not fashionable. I was once… when bouncers were letting me skip everyone in line. It doesn’t take much, just move to Knoxville and be the only Asian guy that cares to befriend bouncers. They will remember you (there aren’t a lot of Asians in Knoxville if you didn’t know).

When I was into style and my clothes, back before the shackles of marriage, I would normally wear either Polo, Structure (before they changed their name), and Banana Republic. I am sure you can now label me pretty easily.

I take my family to the mall a lot. The girls like to walk around, I people watch, and my wife will do some shopping. I will normally play that game where you try to avoid any and all human contact… all the while also trying to appear “normal.” I get to observe a lot of fashion trends because of this and of course I have an opinion.

My wife has tried to explain how the whole “certain colors for certain seasons” works. I think I get it. Women wear colors that complement the season as some sort of “ninja vanish” trick so they can get close enough to stab you. At least I think that is what is going on. Also I learned shoes have to match. Just because the shoes are “dirty” doesn’t classify them as brown.

There are many trends I don’t understand. Why do “younger mothers” wear the same clothes as their older daughters? Is there some type of discount at gap if you get the same outfit in two sizes? I think it is awkward if you can’t tell a mother apart from her daughter… but I guess some people think that is “hot?” If you aren’t near the age of Forever 21, should you be shopping there? It does say “forever” though doesn’t it?

Why do women buy clothes just to hang them in their closet? I wonder how many women here have clothes with price tags STILL on them. I do not get this at all. Please, someone explain it to me! Also… women you realize that malls always have a “sale” going on right? Husbands are you still falling for this trick? “Honey there is a SALE going on!!!” I worked retail… there is always a sale. We kind of just moved those stickers around…

Maybe this is a Colorado thing, but I seem to only see two outfits on males here. A Broncos jersey (GO PEYTON!) or this new “BMX Biker” look. I suppose this isn’t really a “new look,” but it is to me! Everywhere I glance there are “X Gamers” walking around and I am half tempted to start asking for autographs.

Asians that wear “really” Asian clothing in public. Just stop! Please!!!

I am from the South and the topic of choice for the longest time was sagging jeans. I personally like my comfort and my jeans are definitely not up to my neck… but if I can see your ass then that is just wrong. Pull that shit up. You aren’t running from any dogs, cops, or women with knives with your jeans like that you know.

At a certain point “parents” have to retire those college T-shirts we love soooo much. I enjoy seeing a father and a mother walking in the mall with their kids, until I see that their shirts say “I’m with Stupid” and “Freshman Forever!!!” At some point people have to grow up…

I really hate the mall because of those kiosks that now rule the “center aisle.” Those people that man those stations are bulldogs. I almost had an Italian woman chase me down with lotion that I needed to “fix my face.” OUCH! Lmao…

-OM

Sir Jason the Opportunist


I asked as a daily opinion what time period you would like to live during if you were able to time travel. My answer would be back in the days of knights… but more of a romantic knight. I thought long and hard on the name and I came up with Sir Jason the Opportunist. Has a nice ring of truth to it. If I see a damsel in distress over say… her cat in a tree. I will be there to save her! Lost dog on the manor? Sir Jason to the rescue! Dragon attacking the village…? Isn’t there a town watch or something for that kind of stuff?

Opportunity keeps a man alive! Never was that more true than further back into history when the price of a man was cheaper than dirt. You had to have brains and know when to show your brawn, and when to turn tail and run… for reinforcements because a General doesn’t fight in the front lines. That is just stupid… what kind of chess are you playing?

-OM

Dear HW – The Reason Men Nap


I saw your husband is a napper and I can fully relate. We men must rest our busy brains when we can because normally they are overtaxed with thoughts women might not understand… or perhaps dare we say comprehend? I’ll name a few.

  • Men nap because we are busy planning up grand strategies of waging war on distant alien races… on Halo or Playstation. This takes time and any miscalculation can result in the loss of lives women, REAL LIVES! [click click] Gotta go we are about to start…
  • Men nap because our digestive systems are different and after consumption of food some type of deactivate button sets off. This really isn’t our fault, please see our maker about this.
  • Men nap because we are busy doing the yard work. Yea… you know outside… under the sun… “it is hot” sound familiar?
  • Men nap because we are busy thinking of new ways to subjugate women. That takes time, actually an ongoing process. We will let you know how it turns out.

-OM

Signs Your Wife Is Trying To Kill You


She announces one night you are both going “Vegan.” That can’t be healthy… she must be trying to kill you. Get a $5 foot long at Subway.

You walk by your wife as she is stirring soup and say “Hey Honey what is for dinner?” She doesn’t even look up while smiling and murmuring “Ooooo Nothing…” I hear Campbells Soup is now microwaveable!

Your wife keeps forgetting to set your place at the dinner table. She then mutters “he is still here?” each time you remind her…

CSI, I Almost Got Away With It, and House Hunters International are suddenly her favorite shows. Maybe we really should start paying attention to what they watch men?

You catch your wife doing the “weighing motion” for no reason… several times a day. When you ask her what she is doing she shrugs and says “weighing these melons obviously!”

You get ready for bed and suddenly she is sleeping in your spot. She then looks confused for a minute as to why you are asking her to move…

Your wife removes all the good things in life (sports, beer, sports…) and replaces them with the un-fun things in life (Ballet, The Oxygen Channel, Ballet…).

Your wife suddenly disappears for hours and claims she is going to Pilates. Pilates is a myth… she is plotting.

-Opinionated Man

Manurisms Women Should Know! Pt. 1


… and my translations. –OM

 

“Yea Sure, that sounds good maybe.” This basically means we weren’t really listening, but we might have caught the last two words and it definitely sounds like an “ok” possibility. Why would you ask me a question with more than three sentences on gameday?

 

“It is in that place!” Come on ladies… we all have a “place” we put things. Is it the counter? The dresser? Where is it, but it IS somewhere. But nooooo you have to act like we haven’t lived together for the past how long?

 

“Yea… I mean it tasted interesting!” That Shit Was Disgusting!

 

“Baby OF COURSE you look ok.” I can’t tell if there is something here I am supposed to see. I should have checked the credit card history to see if she went to the hair salon or got a new outfit. Oh well… safe answer time!

 

“Just order me whatever” Why did we come to this place? Where are we…

 

“Do you think this pet (or insert “another pet here”) is a good idea???” I already take care of our other “dog” who I don’t really consider a dog because it fits in your purse. Why doesn’t it walk again?

 

“Damn, I said I would take care of it!” = “Damn, I knew I forgot to do something yesterday.”

 

“Seriously I will watch anything other than this. ANYTHING!” = “Seriously I will watch anything other than this. ANYTHING!”

Dear Women – Why Men Complain


I hear it often said “why are you always complaining?” I also frequently hear women say “why are MEN always complaining” and I thought I would do the world a favor and provide those reasons. I will try, as always, to present a fair and balanced view of things. Generalizations have no home on this website.

  • Men complain because if we don’t complain for ourselves no one else will! Women have each other for support and that is nice, but in reality it is a little unfair. You won’t ever hear John say “Well Peter has had some real issues lately with his job, family, and finances. He has been struggling with blah blah blah…” We don’t talk about our friends like that because we are men… and men should be able to take care of themselves. Women on the other hand have a grapevine of support that ensures if there is the slightest need for “external support” it will be given, heard, and delivered promptly by all those available. As loudly as possible.
  • Men complain in part because we are speaking to ourselves. We actually hold long conversations, both verbally and mentally, because we appreciate the feedback we give to our own thoughts. We don’t really want a woman’s opinion so we phrase it as a complaint so it will be ignored (women generally ignore most of what men say especially if they think we are griping). If we actually started asking “real questions” we would get real answers and that in turn would equate to more work on our chore list. Who wants that?
  • Women hear men complain a lot because we don’t complain as often around other guys. We don’t want to be “that guy” who is always whining like a baby. Women already consider us big babies, so being viewed as such by ladies is no big thing. Just add it to the tab babe.
  • Women often think men are always complaining because we happen to say the things you were thinking. It then registers a hundred fold as a complaint, instead of just a random rant. It isn’t our fault we were gifted by God as mind readers.
  • Men complain because women don’t think of things for “us to do.” They think of things FOR YOU TO DO!!!
  • Men complain because when a woman says “I think we should do this to the yard” she actually means God and you.
  • Men complain because everyone is against us and our pocketbook. The house, the kids, Santa Claus, whoever is running Halloween these days, and every other holiday that plots to make us poorer each year.
  • Men complain because if you complain hard enough over a glass of water… it turns to beer.

-Opinionated Man

Part 2 My Feminist Vow – By: Opinionated Man


Part 1 can be found here – http://aopinionatedman.com/2014/03/10/my-feminist-vow-by-opinionated-man/

I vow to never place Mrs. in front of my name. Instead I will hold strong and place “single” (forever…) there instead!

I vow to not do the dishes and clean the kitchen anymore… even though I currently don’t do those things. It is the principle of rejecting them though right?

I vow to aggressively attack other women that are not as feminine as me. If you aren’t with us you are against us!

I vow to keep track of every female celebrity to ensure they are holding up “the banner.” You girls better be waving that thing with pride or else you are obviously a black mark on womanhood. Drop your own agendas, career goals, and instead join the feminist bandwagon! We are accepting members against their will.

I vow to never allow a man to save me in a dangerous situation. If that means I have to wrestle an alligator, well equality has its price! I need some new alligator skin heels anyways… maybe a matching purse?

I vow that when I reach Heaven I will ask God why in the world he created Adam first. Bad move!

I vow to become a geneticist so that we can eventually remove the need for penises. They are evil, ugly, and they move by themselves sometimes!

-Opinionated Man

The Male Review “Breaking up with a Woman” – For Men Only!


One of the most trying periods for males is “the moment of the breakup.” Now I understand that women also breakup with men, but I can’t really speak on their behalf. I would hate to try and talk on a topic I wasn’t clearly an expert on…

I feel it is my duty to provide men out there with some tried and true methods of “parting ways” with a woman. These will help you to keep your sanity and your nerve because it is that moment of uncertainty that will cause a bad decision that will result in a lifetime of unhappiness. For both parties involved. All of these options won’t be available to you, not all of us own horses, but the ones that do I encourage you to try some of these. Putting a video of it on Youtube.com is also a great idea. Here are some ideas for “safe” ways of breaking up with a woman.

I believe the safest method of approaching a woman is in a full suit of armor and on a very fast horse. Preferably one of those Spanish horses I always hear about. In this situation we are approaching the woman not as a possible bride, but as a potential fire breathing woman who might snap upon being presented the banner of truce. I consider breaking up a “truce” because each party is free to go their merry way. I am speaking only of dating here and not marriage, obviously. The armor is in case the woman tries to stab you. Now you laugh, but do you know the type of man that gets stabbed? The one that stupidly broke up with a girl and then turned his unprotected back. Watch the Nature channel men… life lessons.

Everyone uses the giant announcement boards at ballgames to propose… but I think a breakup might go well on one. Simply have them say “I think we should just be friends” during the game on the overhead Television and ensure she sees it. I think that the moment will be so awkward everyone will just laugh it off and be friends… right?

Send your brother to breakup with your girlfriend for you. Brothers are normally willing to do this, for a price, and they will think it is hilarious. They also will be brutal about it and that will be the end of it. Or… your brother will end up dating your ex-girlfriend. You will end up single for 6 months, just long enough to endure a few holiday dinners at which your brother and his “new girlfriend” will glow. You will look like an idiot, but you will be single!

Break up with her while on a hot air balloon ride. If she kills you… you will both die probably. Unless she happens to have her smartphone on her, in which case she will Google map a remote location to bury your body and then fly home. I suggest random metal detector scans. Simply say it is a health issue.

People send singing telegrams and that is just stupid and mean. I would send a mime instead to hand deliver the message. He can then start miming a wall to protect himself…

I think that if you breakup with a woman while wearing a Harry Potter costume and holding a wand she will think you are so pathetic she won’t get mad at all. It will work. Trust me.

Lastly I have found glitter really is the ultimate enemy of a woman’s heart. If you say anything and throw glitter in the air they love it. “We should break up!” [throws glitter in the air] All you will hear is clapping…

-Opinionated Man

Ways to Keep from getting “Friendzoned”


Stop being her friend!!! Stop doing countless favors for her! You know that you are one step away from being called “the work horse” right?

Beat up her boyfriend or love interest. If he is bigger than you… challenge him to a dance battle. Make sure you practice those moves though; you don’t want to “get served.”

Get a girlfriend!!! The fastest way out of the “friendzone” is to make her jealous. Get a girlfriend, preferably one that looks just like your “friend,” and go from there. If you see the green eye of jealousy… SUCCESS!

Change what you like. You are obviously getting friendzoned because you like things she does… which is the issue. Why are you watching Sex in the City? Invite her to a Rambo marathon and break down that friend barrier!

All of your friends are girls… and not a single guy. This might be sending out the “wrong signal.” If you are truly interested in girls you may want to make that obvious. I suggest slipping in a sexist joke every other sentence to ensure they recognize your manliness.

You never make a move. Ever. It is really hard to “date” someone if you never ask them out. Cowboy up buddy.

You listen to her relationship drama. If you become “that guy” who gets called every time your “friend” breaks up with her current man, you will never get out of that role. Don’t accept it, don’t live it, and if she keeps calling you suggest she calls Dr. Phil.

-OM

Random Relationship Advice


True to my word I will continue to provide much needed advice to the world in regards to women, relationships, and women. I put women twice on purpose because I am such an expert. Here are some random pieces of advice for those that care to improve their current social connections.

I place every friend on a “gift scale.” The size of the gift, or if a gift is even a real present, is based on the value of the friend. The easiest method is the “birthday gift test” which places a friendship value on each person. Are they worth a gift? Maybe a phone call instead???

Never make eye contact with your friend’s girlfriend. Women are always attracted to “the friend” for some odd reason. The last thing you want is some Shakespearian tragedy over a woman because in case you missed it most of the men die in those stories!

If you are ever sleeping upstairs with your girlfriend and you hear a loud BANG downstairs… send her to investigate. It was probably the cat you don’t own… Everyone should have an equal opportunity to be a hero right?

Serious Advice

Have you ever been stuck wondering if a girl likes you? Hit on her friend and see if her facial expression changes. Women have really bad poker faces.

It is often difficult to know who should pay on a first date. Do we go Dutch or do I pay for the first meal? I have come up with a way to solve this! To ensure that it is very clear the date is “Dutch” eat exactly half your food and drink half of your drink only! You might even want to draw a line on your plate. Sure this might seem like a waste of food, but isn’t it worth a little waste to set some nice boundary lines? Sometimes I spell D-U-T-C-H with my peas.

Never visit your girlfriend’s parents house the first time she asks you to. It is a trap! Instead, I like to show up unexpectedly to allow myself more freedom. Of course it does suck when you “unexpectedly” walk in on your girlfriend with her “other” boyfriend…

Breaking up is hard. I suggest paying a singing telegram to deliver the message. Who could possibly be mad at that??? Be sure and let him know she will tip.

-Opinionated Man

Random Women Topics – Not Worth Reading


I love my current blog hopping that I get to do each day. I have been reading a lot of your blogs and I have a couple observations I just want to voice. Not really to anyone in particular… just a conversation between the wall and me.

I often read posts under the tags “love and relationships” where a woman is complaining about continuously being asked out. Granted… often times this post is not accompanied by a picture (cough, cough bullshit), but in the spirit of this post OK you are a drop dead gorgeous dame that gets hit on all the time. I would like to point out that I have never in my life said “drop dead gorgeous dame,” but I was trying to think of what a misogynist would say. Surprisingly enough it actually doesn’t just “come to me.” Imagine that…

So in the most recent post I read a woman complained about how men are predators when they learn a lady is newly single. She ranted on how sad that is and how men are ignorant for adopting this attitude of “well you are available now” when it comes to approaching relationships. Personally I agree. I mean what an asshole right? He waited until you were single and then dared to ask you out? What a fucking moron, we should probably castrate that horn dog. What an audacious bastard to think that just because you are single you might want to allow this guy to buy YOU dinner. What is wrong with the world?

How about what is WRONG WITH YOU! Do you know how many people never get asked out? Sounds funny to you right super hotness? Guess what? Not everyone is so lucky as to get asked out and even more importantly not everyone has the opportunity to be picky. That guy that asked you out that you so disdain probably sat around figuring out how to approach you. He probably practiced it in his head. He should have inserted your mockery into the mental picture huh? You live a rough life unnamed woman.

People need to stop and consider the other side of the court. Such selfishness in this world, everything is me, me, me. What ever happened to just being nice because of the principle of it? No, instead we belittle people and then take out our anger on them as if they are the cause. Take a strong look in the mirror before you define someone as the cause of your issues. Most cases you are the creator of what is bothering you. Not some poor chap that is simply gathering up the balls to ask a girl out on a date. Women can be such assholes.

-Opinionated Man

Men – Why Women think they are Better than You!


Women think they are better than you because they constantly feel like you are having to catch up in the conversation. The reason this feeling is overwhelming is because men generally are trying to play “catch up.” What we often don’t realize is that the “talk” has actually taken place already inside the woman’s head and the conclusion (even sometimes the debate) has taken place long ago as well. The man just wasn’t present for it, but when do you really need the other party around to resolve an issue. Right ladies…

Women think they can complete tasks faster than men… even if they are physically incapable of doing it themselves. That is because “coordinating such tasks” takes so much effort that really the small detail of who is actually doing the manual labor is a small piece of the puzzle. You know the piece second to the corner that doesn’t have to be there for said puzzle to be considered satisfactory? I must be the only one that feels this way. While you are working in the yard she IS secretly thinking “if I was as big as him… I would be done already.”

Women think that men are inferior because we are passionate and emotional creatures. Sure women cry during romance films and cheesy chick flicks, but they are really only crying because they are married or dating you. That doesn’t count as real tears, besides crocodiles cry as well. And they are known cold-blooded killers. Don’t fall for it men watch the hands. The hands never lie.

-OM

Male Advice – “What to do if a Woman Cheats on You!”


So the day may come when a woman will viciously rip your heart out of your chest, take a bite out of it, and then nonchalantly drop it in a doggie bag before throwing it at your feet. It will be brutal, it will leave you in shock, and it can be very easy to fall victim to despair. That is why I am here, to provide the males in this world a guiding light for which to come back to the living. I sympathize with you men; women can be such brutal beasts.

Here are some easy tips to speed up that recovery.

  • If a woman cheats on you that means you have won the lottery. We men do such stupid, silly things to piss our significant others off on a daily basis that when a woman does something monumentally stupid we have to covet those occasions. They really are rare, precious moments in which we get to gather all that palpable guilt, build it into a fictitious umbrella, and hold it over her head FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. I am getting giddy just thinking about it… Women that cheat on you are keepers… as long as you become the gate keeper.
  • This is the point in which you say “Well… I have been meaning to tell you…”
  • Dump her and date a girl that looks EXACTLY LIKE HER! Women absolutely hate this!!! They will be forced to see the comparison and I would also take the time to flood your “Facebook wall” with tons of photos before she defriends you. Facebook revenge… now we are talking!
  • When a woman approaches you with an “issue” they normally expect some long drawn out conversation. Women love that stuff… men do not. The solution here is simple, if she is the “let’s talk it out type,” don’t give her the benefit of making herself feel better. Shrug it off and say things like “Coo… (leave the “L” off, it sounds more hard). I might even make reference to “Oh… we were exclusive this whole time?”
  • I think going ape shit is appropriate in some scenarios and it is even more fun when your woman is of the “gentle sort.” She won’t know what is happening as you RAGE around yelling Korean curse words and throwing pillows. I can teach you a few choice Korean words if you have the need, this ain’t no fortune cookie stuff though ok?
  • Date her sister.

-OM

http://aopinionatedman.com/category/relationship-articles/

 

For Men Only – 10 Ways to get Out of an Argument


1. Play dead. Before you laugh and say “that won’t work” have you actually tried it? Seriously, fall down and don’t move. Even if she yells your name or pokes at you with her high heel. Just pretend like it is nap time.

2. Start to pray. I normally look at them and indicate they are supposed to join in… and keep shooting astonished looks that they aren’t.

3. Keep saying “I love you” till they stop talking. It will work. Have faith.

4. Counter everything they say with a bad adage about some sport they hate. Women absolutely hate when we do sports analogies and it is enjoyable to see them squirm.

5. Yell “That’s right I forgot to do that thing!” and run out the door… you may want to wait a few hours before returning. Possibly with some flowers.

6. Tell her suddenly that Bill has died. When Bill shows up to your house the next day fall to your knees and cry “Lord! It’s a miracle!”

7. Keep turning the argument to her anger issues. Even if she doesn’t have any. It makes them rethink themselves and they end up getting frustrated and dropping the topic.

8. If you are married or dating an Asian woman yell out “Godzilla” and use those few seconds wisely.

9. If arguing while eating suddenly “choke” on a chicken bone and allow her to be the hero. No one wants to argue when they are in hero mode.

10. When an argument is about to start in bed I use two options. I either fart and allow the humor of the moment to dissolve the tension in the atmosphere OR I start audible snoring until she gets the picture.

Note: I am not responsible for any possible… repercussions of following my relationship advice…

-Opinionated Man

“Men Can’t Write”


I am not sure why I keep seeing these articles pop up lately. Perhaps my eye just catches the titles or maybe I am attracted to possible conflict. I swear if I read one more article by a female blogger that states “men don’t blog because they don’t have the patience to write or they can’t write period” I am going to put my Darth Vader outfit on. I am so glad I did not sell the Death Star to Bill Gates like he asked.

If you are waiting for a name or a link I won’t provide one. You know who you are! If you think men can’t write or lack the aptitude for blogging I suggest you hang out with smarter men. Or perhaps you are the type of woman that surrounds herself with lesser creatures… so as to feel more important. I know this is a common character among women and I never understood it. I had many friends during grade school and college and never once was there a prerequisite of stupidity to gain my acceptance. In fact, I am of the firm belief that surrounding yourself with excellence invites motivation and the stimulation of the mind.

I won’t sit here and name off the great male writers of our time or even the historical ones. That would be pointless because obviously the women saying these things don’t recognize those “men” as part of the male category. This provides even more evidence to me that they are basing their judgment off people they probably know in real life. Let me offer a rare apology.

I am sorry your husband sucks at writing love poems. I am sorry your boyfriend doesn’t pay attention to you and falls asleep while you are still on page one of your new flash fiction project. I am sorry your family doesn’t recognize writing as a profession and because of this you take your anger out on the easiest target you can find. And who better to rant upon than the opposite sex? Those evil creatures with penises! How dare they begin to blog and try to take over this “coveted activity” that is reserved for women in your eyes. How dare they?!?

I have never met a woman that writes like I do. I have met tons of women that write very well and possibly far better than I ever will. I would never be stupid enough to sit here and say “women can’t write,” so I am thus shocked by these posts and I am left with one question.

How dumb are you?

-OM