For Men Only – Women and the All Inclusive (Yet Exclusive) “We”

Men I am looking for some comradery over this issue and I know some people have to feel me on this topic. Do any of you have a wife, girlfriend, or significantly insignificant “other” that likes to use those “we sentences” when referring to daily chores or things that need to be done? Isn’t that shit annoying as hell? Don’t know what I mean? Allow me to provide some golden examples.

“Shouldn’t WE clean the gutters on the roof?” Where is the “we” when you get to the top of that mountain? Wouldn’t it be nicer just to hear it said straight out? “Hey YOU get YOUR fat ass up there and clean that shit!”

“We should conquer the world… you go ahead and get started.” Well that sounds pretty self-explanatory.

“We should landscape our yard. I’ll go buy you some tools!” Gee… get me a gun instead so I can just end my misery.

“We should talk.” [Cricket orgy in the background as she waits for YOU to talk]

“We have some problems to discuss.” Actually she means YOU have some fucking problems to fix NOW asshole! Or your ass is grass!

“We discussed this already.” She talked to you while you were watching the game and now expects you to remember every minute detail.

“We should start exercising more.” You look like a fat slob. Fix that shit.

I may come back and add to this list because I think it is important for us “men” to understand the true meaning behind women and the things they utter. I told you I could write for cosmo. I should use “cricket orgy” more often. I like it.


Women are Crazy (The way to lose your female readers)

This is not a relationship blog, but occasionally I will write about and share some revolutionary facts that I discover in my life. Here is one fact that I would love to write about (but not discuss) women are crazy. I would go so far as to say “most” women are crazy and the funny part is they make sense to each other. That really is the kicker, because women can understand the craziness in one another, they then do not consider themselves crazy. Impeccable logic to be sure, it is hard to debate evidence so sound.

Women pick arguments on purpose. The only time men pick arguments on purpose is if we do not like someone, we are drunk, there is a Raider’s fan in the room, or we decide to act macho in front of our woman. Men do not often argue just to argue, do you know why ladies? We are lazy and it is hard to watch Sportscenter AND drink a beer while you argue. Ok, so why is women arguing so crazy? Because of the reason they do it, women argue and pick fights with men “to test their relationship.” That is the whole “if the rubber band breaks” concept that women are working on. They obviously haven’t heard of the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” concept that men love.

Women ask questions that they know the answers to. Guys, they still expect an answer. And God help you if the answer is not politically and socially correct. You may want to bring a cue card with a few facts and pointers to back up your answer, though those facts will help very little if your answer is different from hers. These actions by women can also be tests; you know those random pop quizzes we hated in school, well now we get them in marriage and long term relationships. Your girlfriend or wife has just become the teacher from hell.

Women really don’t care about your opinion most the time. You know “they” say that a good conversation is good dialogue between the two participants. Whoever “they” were, “they” were obviously not talking to a woman. A woman does not want your input on a topic she has already decided upon. You are allowed a couple head nods, a few confirmation noises (to let her know you are still listening), and a really big “you are absolutely right honey” near the end. That is all that is required, or better yet necessary, to successfully navigate through a conversation with a woman. One last thing, if you even dare to talk about a subject she knows nothing about just give up, women quickly grow bored with topics that don’t interest them. Notice the way she “sighs” and glances around the room every five minutes, those are your hints.

Give up trying to keep up with your wife or girlfriend’s social drama, whether at work or with her friends. Never side with Becky, her hated arch-rival, unless Becky is going to let you sleep on her couch. Do not dare and sympathize with Helga, her dictator of a boss, or your soup might taste a bit off tonight. If your wife is on Facebook just be prepared for monthly breakdowns and breakups. I think women came up with the term “BFF” so they could have one more thing to break up with in this world. Women are crazy.

-Opinionated Man

What would happen if Women ruled the World

1. The Earth would suddenly start rotating the sun in the opposite direction because women would decide everyone has been headed in the wrong direction this whole time. It is probably because the Earth was never forced to pull over and ask right?

2. Sports would suddenly be quarantined to one day a week. Ever notice men that our whole lives women have been trying to confine our love for sports? “No playing ball in the house!” “Do your homework before you go out and play basketball!” I mean talk about communism right.

3. There would suddenly be less men in the world. No one would ever say what happened to them, but like so many current Governments are doing there would be veiled “reasons” given for the sudden disappearances. Then free beer and an extra day of sports will appease the menfolk!

4. Zoos would suddenly have a new display.

5. Department stores would suddenly be gauged fully towards women. Wait… they already are. You win women… you win.

6. There would be no more “guys night out” unless it is your final night out…

7. Hooters would suddenly go bankrupt by some “paperwork issue.”

8. All the NFL jerseys and actually any jersey worn in sports would match and be color coordinated by season.

9. You might actually begin to get away with calling in sick for an “upset stomach.”

10. Well I definitely wouldn’t be writing this blog anymore.


Dear Women – “I don’t feel sorry for…”

I read a lot of blogs and often I see women ranting about men… instead of their “man.” Women and feminists get offended by my broad generalizations regarding women, but it seems they never see the irony when they read their own work. I decided it was worth the time to compile a list of things I see women blame “men” for that I don’t associate with and will not accept guilt from.

1. If your boyfriend or husband cheats on you – I don’t feel sorry for this because I am not your husband or boyfriend and not all men cheat. If your response to this is “well the men I meet keep blah blah blah” maybe you are just an idiot and date the wrong type of men? Try meeting some guys from the chess club, I bet they don’t cheat on women that often.

2. If your husband doesn’t clean the house – A lot of men aren’t very clean. A lot of women aren’t very clean. If you are shackled with someone that is a mess you probably had some very clear signs of this prior to getting married, so guess who is at fault? YOU ARE! Either suck it up, talk to them and deal with it, or get a divorce. At the very least don’t claim “all men don’t clean,” because the guy writing this article is a neat freak. I love cleaning and cooking.

3. “The men at work are such sexist pigs.” – Yes, there are a lot of sexist men in society and there are ALSO a lot of women that are sexist as well. Both groups are numerous and wrong and that is why I expect no one to accept the fault of that which they don’t do. I am not going to sit here and say “sorry” for the things other men do… EVER. If I did that I would be apologizing all damn day and that just sounds like living my life for someone else. Wait… that is EXACTLY what that is. Isn’t it ironic though that women can get away with things that men can’t and not be called sexist. If a woman compliments a guy’s clothes or his physical form in any way they are “just being nice.” But if a man does it what happens? HR is called, the woman gets to file a complaint if she wants, and now that guy walks around the office being labeled as a misogynistic pig… all because he paid the EXACT SAME compliment a woman did. Seems fair right world?

4. If a man rapes you – That man is scum and should be brought to justice. I support bringing that man to justice. I won’t, however, accept that man’s crime as a possible path for myself. There is a lot of talk about victim blaming, but no one seems to talk about the fact that women love to target “all men” in regards to the more atrocious things some men do. I have never raped anyone, I will never rape anyone, and I WILL NOT feel OBLIGATED to apologize for something some shit head did. Just like Elliott Rogers, any man that does these things does them personally. They made a choice and they acted on it themselves. I got called out for this recently and a feminist said “do you know the percentage of rapes done by men as oppose to women?” My response is the same, I don’t care if 99% are done by men, I wasn’t part of that 99% and trying to make me feel guilty for them isn’t doing a damn thing.

5. If a man cat calls you – Men do this and I think it is lame. Often it is the guy that can’t seem to get laid and is baffled as to why. While I think cat calling is obnoxious and rude, I personally don’t “whistle or cat call women” so I don’t feel a need to march in a parade over this. I am still not sold on the argument that “cat calling” leads to further, more aggressive actions as some imply. Not buying it… but if women want to connect cat calling to future serial rapists then there must be a ton of serial rapists in this world. I sure hear a lot of cat calls, but I just assume they like my ass.

There are an endless list of these because there are endless blog posts from women ranting on men in the tags women, relationships, dating, feminism, and feminists. Most of it is “man hate” and they even say “I HATE MEN” in their post. Fair enough, if you want to lump us all together go for it. I have never felt the need to accept the blame for what other men do and I won’t start today.

-Opinionated Man

Male Advice – Cooking Equals Sex

So we are doing ribs tonight. Men some cooking advice on ribs in the oven. Cover the ribs with foil and cook them on bake 350 for two hours. The foil helps to prevent over cooking and burning the meat. Throw some good shit in there before you close the foil like salt, real butter, garlic, onion and a few kisses of love. After it has cooked for a couple hours you then need to switch to broil and get the skin good and a little crisp if you like it that way. It helps to sprinkle some Worcestershire sauce on the ribs before the broil. Buy the steamed vegetable bags that take five minutes in the microwave and maybe make some rice. Your reward is sex.

-Opinionated Man