Nothing is worse than the split stream.
Nothing is worse than the split stream.
Why not right? I have already been called a dumbass and an asshole this week, so I might as well have some fashion bloggers tell me how stupid I am to top it off! Here is my take on current fashion.
I am not fashionable. I was once… when bouncers were letting me skip everyone in line. It doesn’t take much, just move to Knoxville and be the only Asian guy that cares to befriend bouncers. They will remember you (there aren’t a lot of Asians in Knoxville if you didn’t know).
When I was into style and my clothes, back before the shackles of marriage, I would normally wear either Polo, Structure (before they changed their name), and Banana Republic. I am sure you can now label me pretty easily.
I take my family to the mall a lot. The girls like to walk around, I people watch, and my wife will do some shopping. I will normally play that game where you try to avoid any and all human contact… all the while also trying to appear “normal.” I get to observe a lot of fashion trends because of this and of course I have an opinion.
My wife has tried to explain how the whole “certain colors for certain seasons” works. I think I get it. Women wear colors that complement the season as some sort of “ninja vanish” trick so they can get close enough to stab you. At least I think that is what is going on. Also I learned shoes have to match. Just because the shoes are “dirty” doesn’t classify them as brown.
There are many trends I don’t understand. Why do “younger mothers” wear the same clothes as their older daughters? Is there some type of discount at gap if you get the same outfit in two sizes? I think it is awkward if you can’t tell a mother apart from her daughter… but I guess some people think that is “hot?” If you aren’t near the age of Forever 21, should you be shopping there? It does say “forever” though doesn’t it?
Why do women buy clothes just to hang them in their closet? I wonder how many women here have clothes with price tags STILL on them. I do not get this at all. Please, someone explain it to me! Also… women you realize that malls always have a “sale” going on right? Husbands are you still falling for this trick? “Honey there is a SALE going on!!!” I worked retail… there is always a sale. We kind of just moved those stickers around…
Maybe this is a Colorado thing, but I seem to only see two outfits on males here. A Broncos jersey (GO PEYTON!) or this new “BMX Biker” look. I suppose this isn’t really a “new look,” but it is to me! Everywhere I glance there are “X Gamers” walking around and I am half tempted to start asking for autographs.
Asians that wear “really” Asian clothing in public. Just stop! Please!!!
I am from the South and the topic of choice for the longest time was sagging jeans. I personally like my comfort and my jeans are definitely not up to my neck… but if I can see your ass then that is just wrong. Pull that shit up. You aren’t running from any dogs, cops, or women with knives with your jeans like that you know.
At a certain point “parents” have to retire those college T-shirts we love soooo much. I enjoy seeing a father and a mother walking in the mall with their kids, until I see that their shirts say “I’m with Stupid” and “Freshman Forever!!!” At some point people have to grow up…
I really hate the mall because of those kiosks that now rule the “center aisle.” Those people that man those stations are bulldogs. I almost had an Italian woman chase me down with lotion that I needed to “fix my face.” OUCH! Lmao…
Woman: “Peter we need to talk baby.”
Man: “Sure what did you want to talk about babe?”
Woman: “Well you have never asked about my family much so I thought I would tell you a few things.”
Man: “Gee I’m sorry babe, I just thought you wanted to keep some things private. You know I’ve been busy with my weightlifting thing.”
Woman: “I know baby, but I thought it was time to tell you my father is a higher up in a drug cartel in Mexico and my brothers work for him also.”
Man: “Um… what…”
Woman: “I’m just kidding baby, hehe, you should have seen your face. My family actually owns a bakery in Mexico City.”
Man: “And this bakery isn’t a front for any illegal operations…”
Woman: “No silly. hahaha, you’re so funny baby. My brothers are really sweet and they all nine do MMA and Capoeira.”
Man: “THEY ARE GOING TO CAP MY WHAT?!?”
Woman: “By the way they are on their way over now. They should be here in about an hour.”
Man: “HOLY SHIT! AN HOUR!!! We gotta clean! YOU gotta change! I gotta pray!”
Woman: “I don’t have to change they’ve seen me in less. Hey baby wanna get frisky? We could do a quickie!”
Man: “DO I WANNA WHAT!?! I can’t feel my arms. The room is vibrating… am I having a heart attack? Oh god… this is it…”
Woman: “What was that baby? You should put some clothes on. In my culture “an hour” can mean anything.”
Each year I like to give back to humanity by offering a Valentine’s Day post. Some of my previous posts were the following.
1. If for some reason you forget Valentine’s day (every other guy) just claim you thought it was like “Secret Santa” and unfortunately you got someone else’s name. She will understand.
2. If you are dating a feminist or somehow got tricked into marrying one I suggest buying her a tool belt. Nothing says “sexy” like an empowered woman fixing shit around the house right?
3. I once dated a vegan/”save every animal walking on four legs in this world” type of girl. To impress her one year I took her to the zoo and staged an emergency wherein I saved a kitten that had somehow wandered into a lion’s den. I probably should have used someone else’s cat because that lion was far faster than I imagined.
4. Nothing says “I just want to be friends” like a singing telegram that says exactly that… on Valentine’s day.
5. Roses die. I plant trees for women or pretend the tree wasn’t there and I planted it for her.
6. A flight of doves is an amazing sight and will melt her heart. I suggest walking those doves first so they don’t shit all over your romantic surprise.
7. Who doesn’t like group dates? Valentine’s day is the perfect time to introduce “everyone.” You know what I mean men.
8. Women, especially mothers, deserve a break. Valentine’s day is a perfect opportunity to offer that to your special someone. Take the kids away for a few hours, drop them off at the in laws, and go watch a movie by yourself men. No reason you can’t relax too.
9. If your wife, girlfriend, or lover works in an office around a bunch of other women and you REALLY want to impress them… I mean her, you may try the Lancelot approach. I guarantee you if you walk into that office with roses in hand and in a full suit of armor no one will ever forget it. Ever. Not to mention wearing armor and fighting imaginary dragons is cool as shit.
10. Take her outside at night and randomly point at a shining light in the sky and tell her you paid to have that star named after her. When the star begins to move because it is obviously a plane, just tell her that is the power of your love.
Every year I try to cater to my few male followers and write an opinionated article for Valentine’s day. This is a long standing tradition running a year now. I couldn’t think of anything witty to write this year other than my previous post “Why you are alone on Valentine’s Day” so I decided I would write a list of gift ideas. Take what value you can from it guys, it has served me well.
Well that will about do it. I am going to just say that the writer of this article, me, takes no responsibility for advice taken or badly followed. Best of luck men in the battle to come. Go Joe!