My Opinion on Fashion – Part 1

Why not right? I have already been called a dumbass and an asshole this week, so I might as well have some fashion bloggers tell me how stupid I am to top it off! Here is my take on current fashion.

I am not fashionable. I was once… when bouncers were letting me skip everyone in line. It doesn’t take much, just move to Knoxville and be the only Asian guy that cares to befriend bouncers. They will remember you (there aren’t a lot of Asians in Knoxville if you didn’t know).

When I was into style and my clothes, back before the shackles of marriage, I would normally wear either Polo, Structure (before they changed their name), and Banana Republic. I am sure you can now label me pretty easily.

I take my family to the mall a lot. The girls like to walk around, I people watch, and my wife will do some shopping. I will normally play that game where you try to avoid any and all human contact… all the while also trying to appear “normal.” I get to observe a lot of fashion trends because of this and of course I have an opinion.

My wife has tried to explain how the whole “certain colors for certain seasons” works. I think I get it. Women wear colors that complement the season as some sort of “ninja vanish” trick so they can get close enough to stab you. At least I think that is what is going on. Also I learned shoes have to match. Just because the shoes are “dirty” doesn’t classify them as brown.

There are many trends I don’t understand. Why do “younger mothers” wear the same clothes as their older daughters? Is there some type of discount at gap if you get the same outfit in two sizes? I think it is awkward if you can’t tell a mother apart from her daughter… but I guess some people think that is “hot?” If you aren’t near the age of Forever 21, should you be shopping there? It does say “forever” though doesn’t it?

Why do women buy clothes just to hang them in their closet? I wonder how many women here have clothes with price tags STILL on them. I do not get this at all. Please, someone explain it to me! Also… women you realize that malls always have a “sale” going on right? Husbands are you still falling for this trick? “Honey there is a SALE going on!!!” I worked retail… there is always a sale. We kind of just moved those stickers around…

Maybe this is a Colorado thing, but I seem to only see two outfits on males here. A Broncos jersey (GO PEYTON!) or this new “BMX Biker” look. I suppose this isn’t really a “new look,” but it is to me! Everywhere I glance there are “X Gamers” walking around and I am half tempted to start asking for autographs.

Asians that wear “really” Asian clothing in public. Just stop! Please!!!

I am from the South and the topic of choice for the longest time was sagging jeans. I personally like my comfort and my jeans are definitely not up to my neck… but if I can see your ass then that is just wrong. Pull that shit up. You aren’t running from any dogs, cops, or women with knives with your jeans like that you know.

At a certain point “parents” have to retire those college T-shirts we love soooo much. I enjoy seeing a father and a mother walking in the mall with their kids, until I see that their shirts say “I’m with Stupid” and “Freshman Forever!!!” At some point people have to grow up…

I really hate the mall because of those kiosks that now rule the “center aisle.” Those people that man those stations are bulldogs. I almost had an Italian woman chase me down with lotion that I needed to “fix my face.” OUCH! Lmao…


Signs Your Wife Is Trying To Kill You

She announces one night you are both going “Vegan.” That can’t be healthy… she must be trying to kill you. Get a $5 foot long at Subway.

You walk by your wife as she is stirring soup and say “Hey Honey what is for dinner?” She doesn’t even look up while smiling and murmuring “Ooooo Nothing…” I hear Campbells Soup is now microwaveable!

Your wife keeps forgetting to set your place at the dinner table. She then mutters “he is still here?” each time you remind her…

CSI, I Almost Got Away With It, and House Hunters International are suddenly her favorite shows. Maybe we really should start paying attention to what they watch men?

You catch your wife doing the “weighing motion” for no reason… several times a day. When you ask her what she is doing she shrugs and says “weighing these melons obviously!”

You get ready for bed and suddenly she is sleeping in your spot. She then looks confused for a minute as to why you are asking her to move…

Your wife removes all the good things in life (sports, beer, sports…) and replaces them with the un-fun things in life (Ballet, The Oxygen Channel, Ballet…).

Your wife suddenly disappears for hours and claims she is going to Pilates. Pilates is a myth… she is plotting.

-Opinionated Man

Men – Why Women think they are Better than You!

Women think they are better than you because they constantly feel like you are having to catch up in the conversation. The reason this feeling is overwhelming is because men generally are trying to play “catch up.” What we often don’t realize is that the “talk” has actually taken place already inside the woman’s head and the conclusion (even sometimes the debate) has taken place long ago as well. The man just wasn’t present for it, but when do you really need the other party around to resolve an issue. Right ladies…

Women think they can complete tasks faster than men… even if they are physically incapable of doing it themselves. That is because “coordinating such tasks” takes so much effort that really the small detail of who is actually doing the manual labor is a small piece of the puzzle. You know the piece second to the corner that doesn’t have to be there for said puzzle to be considered satisfactory? I must be the only one that feels this way. While you are working in the yard she IS secretly thinking “if I was as big as him… I would be done already.”

Women think that men are inferior because we are passionate and emotional creatures. Sure women cry during romance films and cheesy chick flicks, but they are really only crying because they are married or dating you. That doesn’t count as real tears, besides crocodiles cry as well. And they are known cold-blooded killers. Don’t fall for it men watch the hands. The hands never lie.


Women I am here to Help You – Part 1

I am here to help you women. I am here to answer some of the questions that I have actually been asked before. Not really sure why women find men so hard to understand, we are about as easy to get as a book. All you have to do is read the pages. Men are generally far too lazy to be deceitful and when they do try they normally get lazy at some point down the road and end up ratting themselves out. The ones that you should be worried about are the ones that can smile without it touching their eyes, those are dangerous people men or women. I understand why women go for certain guys that they “should know better about,” perhaps he is charming, good looking, has a great car, or is an undercover ninja, superstar assassin. If the guy looks, talks, and reminds you of James Bond just keep moving on. Find yourself a nice studious lad in the library for a change.

Why do men like sports teams so much and why in the hell do they get so into the games?” Women understand that when the world of war was taken from us “civilized” men, we took up the love of sports instead. There is no greater fan than the man that can’t actually do what he is watching. It makes the shit amazing.

Why do men only care about the meat on the plate. If my husband cooked the meals he would forget the vegetables altogether.” It is all about perception I suppose. If I were walking on a path in the woods and I happened upon a dead deer and apple I would probably care more about the deer than the apple. The deer would look tasty and I like to think this is because I have a wolf gene that makes me manly.

Why do men cheat?” Why do women date men that obviously are cheaters?

Why do men always try to get into fights?” Because that guy stepped on my shoe, didn’t say he was sorry, and the fucker was wearing a Tom Brady Patriots jersey. I know! They actually make those! Is there anything more worth fighting for? Seriously!

What is the deal with guys and the movies Rambo and Rocky? They are so boring! I fall asleep every time!” A guy kills hundreds of soldiers with a bow and arrow and there are explosions every five minutes. What is not to like? How the hell do you even fall asleep during a movie like that? And Rocky, average joe beats up Mr. T. Hello! Instant hero!

Why do guys always like to go to the same restaurant over and over and never want to try anything new?” Food is right up there with god in our order of importance to most men. The consumption of food is a ritualistic process and we ensure the order of the universe is not disturbed by going “somewhere new” and getting a bad hamburger or wings. That can honestly ruin your night.

Why don’t guys like the movies women like?” You mean the movies filled with drama and stress filled relationships that make your eyes tighten and you start to forget that it is only a movie. Yea… those are great! Maybe because women like stupid movies like the “Sisterhood of the traveling pants??” I know some chopsticks with better stories.

“I don’t understand… the aliens invaded and he just left me. All alone.” Well this has never been said to me, but when disaster strikes some weighing is definitely done…


The Male Review “Breaking up with a Woman” – For Men Only!

One of the most trying periods for males is “the moment of the breakup.” Now I understand that women also breakup with men, but I can’t really speak on their behalf. I would hate to try and talk on a topic I wasn’t clearly an expert on…

I feel it is my duty to provide men out there with some tried and true methods of “parting ways” with a woman. These will help you to keep your sanity and your nerve because it is that moment of uncertainty that will cause a bad decision that will result in a lifetime of unhappiness. For both parties involved. All of these options won’t be available to you, not all of us own horses, but the ones that do I encourage you to try some of these. Putting a video of it on is also a great idea. Here are some ideas for “safe” ways of breaking up with a woman.

I believe the safest method of approaching a woman is in a full suit of armor and on a very fast horse. Preferably one of those Spanish horses I always hear about. In this situation we are approaching the woman not as a possible bride, but as a potential fire breathing woman who might snap upon being presented the banner of truce. I consider breaking up a “truce” because each party is free to go their merry way. I am speaking only of dating here and not marriage, obviously. The armor is in case the woman tries to stab you. Now you laugh, but do you know the type of man that gets stabbed? The one that stupidly broke up with a girl and then turned his unprotected back. Watch the Nature channel men… life lessons.

Everyone uses the giant announcement boards at ballgames to propose… but I think a breakup might go well on one. Simply have them say “I think we should just be friends” during the game on the overhead Television and ensure she sees it. I think that the moment will be so awkward everyone will just laugh it off and be friends… right?

Send your brother to breakup with your girlfriend for you. Brothers are normally willing to do this, for a price, and they will think it is hilarious. They also will be brutal about it and that will be the end of it. Or… your brother will end up dating your ex-girlfriend. You will end up single for 6 months, just long enough to endure a few holiday dinners at which your brother and his “new girlfriend” will glow. You will look like an idiot, but you will be single!

Break up with her while on a hot air balloon ride. If she kills you… you will both die probably. Unless she happens to have her smartphone on her, in which case she will Google map a remote location to bury your body and then fly home. I suggest random metal detector scans. Simply say it is a health issue.

People send singing telegrams and that is just stupid and mean. I would send a mime instead to hand deliver the message. He can then start miming a wall to protect himself…

I think that if you breakup with a woman while wearing a Harry Potter costume and holding a wand she will think you are so pathetic she won’t get mad at all. It will work. Trust me.

Lastly I have found glitter really is the ultimate enemy of a woman’s heart. If you say anything and throw glitter in the air they love it. “We should break up!” [throws glitter in the air] All you will hear is clapping…

-Opinionated Man

Relationship Blogs – Women GET to be Picky!

I love reading relationship posts, dating, and articles on love when a woman states how hard it is to “get a guy.” I think often the wording being used is wrong because in most cases the woman is talking about a specific guy or a certain type. In general I feel it is VERY easy for women to get guys… just perhaps not the “Brad Pitt” they are looking for.

I am of the strong opinion that most women can afford to be picky in relationships. It really doesn’t matter how cute she is or even how attractive she finds herself, the bottom line is that in most cases women hold the control of whether or not a relationship will take place. Often times you will read women posting their relationship woes and the truth is that they are going for men that are out of their league. The reality is that even though a woman may not be able to pick a certain “category of man” she still has her “choice” in the groups below that one. This does not take into consideration matters of confidence, but I suppose that is really what this article is about. Why do women lack confidence in relationships when they deal the cards, choose the game, and even decide when the game ends?

Only certain men get to be picky. I love it when feminist and disgruntled women paint ALL MEN as predators. “We are all so aggressive in love and lust and we take what is not given to us.” The stereotype that men are the most forward sex is dead wrong. I am not sure what 5% of men in the world set the bar for ALL other men, but the majority of guys I have encountered are anything but aggressive. Sure I know a few that might be classified as “players,” but they do not constitute the majority. Personally I would be annoyed to see all men act alike and always be on the hunt. How ridiculous would the club scene be if every man in the building were equal in their sexual aggression? Are women missing the group of nerds in the corner daring each other to ask a pretty girl at the bar out? Or the fifty guys dancing with the “wall” because they don’t dare move a few steps onto the dance floor? But all men are misogynist bastards out for the kill right? Wrong…

Women get to be picky and that is their right as the “fairer sex.” Was that offensive? Too bad, I wouldn’t even begin to feel sorry for saying the truth. And the truth is that the men many of you women are ranting about consist of such a small percentage of males it isn’t even worth the generalization. But go ahead with your blanket statements of men and how hard relationships are for women. I’m not buying it.

-Opinionated Man