Why Women are Still Crazy


Women are still crazy and do and think the craziest things. Women think men want sex all the time. I don’t get what is so hard to understand that we don’t want it “all the time,” we just want it on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and every other Sunday from 9:35pm – 9:42pm after the games are over. I counted and that is generally less than 30 minutes, depending on our breathing, of our week. Now who is exaggerating? I also don’t get why women are so upset about taking a man’s last name. We all know women are better spellers right? Well that settles it. You all should have to change your names because you are better spellers. Fair is fair.

We all know how to count. Men we can all agree that we can all count to at least 100? Ok so for the purposes of this argument we are going to assume men can count to 80. We all at some point learned about this time in a woman’s life called her “period” and that it will come “regularly” every month. A lot of blame gets placed on this “week” that mysteriously shifts in position due to the positioning of the moon. It has something to do with the tide and how the current is pulled in. Men if you haven’t figured this out by now give up actually trying to pin down when this “period” occurs. The only way you will know in advance is from a receipt.

Social media made women crazier. It made it easier for them to get into “girl fights” which we all know are far more dramatic than “boy fights.” We know this because television tells us that women fighting is hot. And it is. Sometimes! It is not hot when women utterly confuse you by testing friendship theory everyday.

Cindy is such a bitch! We now hate her.

[Two Weeks Later]

Cindy is so funny! I love her!

You mean the Cindy that we hope that dies?

Ohhhh (giggle) we don’t hope she dies anymore. I guess if she got hurt just a little that wouldn’t be a bad thing though. Probably bring her down a peg or two.

I am so confused… and a little scared right now…

I go to the mall a lot recently and sometimes I feel like it is a gauntlet of judging eyes. Now I will admit men will judge women, obviously, and that judgment entails a full head to boob to butt visual observation. Sometimes physical inspection is needed. We don’t normally judge other men unless they are wearing a Patriot’s jersey with Tom Fucking Brady on the back. YOU SUCK AND SO DOES YOUR WARDOBE!!! Other then that sporadic occurrence I don’t think most men walk around looking at other men. The same cannot be said for women. I don’t think women miss a single thing in the mall and they probably see more boobs than men. We should learn what we are doing wrong.

I think the craziest thing women do is tryout for men’s sports teams. Have you actually been in a men’s locker room? I hate them. I would much prefer to use the women’s locker room actually… well before I was married. Maybe we can just switch badges.

http://aopinionatedman.com/2015/07/08/women-are-crazy-the-way-to-lose-your-female-readers/

-Opinionated Man

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The Day The Feminists Came


Disclaimer: If you are a member of the feminist movement I really wouldn’t read this. Fair warning.

The Cast

Opinionated Man – Played by Jason Cushman because no “real” white people would take the part and he was the closest thing we could find.

G.I. Jane – Obviously a feminist in army boots.

Bill – Random male feminist.

The Ballerina – An actual ballerina.

Hillary Clinton’s younger self – Even sounded like her too.

Emma Watson – I will be honest and say that a lot of people look the same to me. You can take that statement for what it is worth. She sure looked like she knew a spell or two though.

Helga – I honestly think her name really was Helga.

The doorbell of inevitability rang and I opened it to find a feminist brigade at my door. It sure felt militant to me. There were angry stares, mean glares, signs and possibly a torch or two. I couldn’t read the writing because I didn’t have my reading glasses on, but the words sure looked hurtful. I prepared myself for battle.

G.I. Jane: “Are you Jason Cushman that writes the blog HarsH ReaLiTy under the pen name Opinionated Man?”

Opinionated Man: “Gee… no I think he lives next door. Abrasive bastard, good luck!”

Emma Watson: “Oh no Mr. Cushman. We know it is you. I have seen your picture and even read the article you wrote on my hero Emma. I thought your words were pathetic.”

Opinionated Man: “Someone sounds hungry. When was the last time you girls ate?”

The Ballerina: “We are here to tell you to leave this state! We don’t like your kind in Colorado!”

Opinionated Man: “Man you are beautiful.”

G.I. Jane: “Hey! Don’t visually assault her! And keep your sexist phrases to yourself!”

Opinionated Man: “I am sorry, you are right that was sexist. I meant you are ugly I guess?”

Hillary Clinton: “Look you have two choices. Either recant your statements, remove your blog, and join our movement or know that you have subscribed yourself to a lifetime of debate over women’s rights.”

Opinionated Man: “Oh my. Such a hard decision. Both of those sound about as fun as playing shuffleboard the rest of my life… but I’ll go with option “B” Hillary.”

Bill: “WE THOUGHT YOU WOULD SAY THAT!!!”

Opinionated Man: “Bill… why are you shouting louder than the women? Are you trying to prove something? And dude… heels? Really?”

Helga: [mumbles something foreign]

Bill: “Yea… they actually really suck.”

Opinionated Man: “Dude the game is on. Wanna come in and watch the game and have a beer? We can leave these women to crusade against my rose bush.”

Bill: “Sure man thanks. That sounds like fun.”

The End

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Ways to Keep from getting “Friendzoned”


Stop being her friend!!! Stop doing countless favors for her! You know that you are one step away from being called “the work horse” right?

Beat up her boyfriend or love interest. If he is bigger than you… challenge him to a dance battle. Make sure you practice those moves though; you don’t want to “get served.”

Get a girlfriend!!! The fastest way out of the “friendzone” is to make her jealous. Get a girlfriend, preferably one that looks just like your “friend,” and go from there. If you see the green eye of jealousy… SUCCESS!

Change what you like. You are obviously getting friendzoned because you like things she does… which is the issue. Why are you watching Sex in the City? Invite her to a Rambo marathon and break down that friend barrier!

All of your friends are girls… and not a single guy. This might be sending out the “wrong signal.” If you are truly interested in girls you may want to make that obvious. I suggest slipping in a sexist joke every other sentence to ensure they recognize your manliness.

You never make a move. Ever. It is really hard to “date” someone if you never ask them out. Cowboy up buddy.

You listen to her relationship drama. If you become “that guy” who gets called every time your “friend” breaks up with her current man, you will never get out of that role. Don’t accept it, don’t live it, and if she keeps calling you suggest she calls Dr. Phil.

-OM

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Relationship Advice Part 2


Because my doctorate from The Intergalactic Academy of Women requires me to write five articles yearly on women and relationships I will now write my second for the year.

This one is mainly for the men that are married that might happen to read my blog, but since that is technically a “member” of said “relationship” I will take the liberty of advising them in this article. I bet that is against the rules, but messages from space take forever and a day to get so I think we are good to go!

Men if you want to show your wife how much you really love her steal her towel every morning!

  
If you are a wimp you can say “Awwww did I grab from the wrong hook again? Sorry baby!” But if you are the more adventurous type intergalactic studies have shown that stealing their towel for a few weeks straight will strengthen your relationship in the long run. I mean these studies are intergalactic how can you argue with them? Really you’re gonna argue still? Sigh…

Do it for a week straight men. Those “what the hell?!?” and “I’m gonna stab you” are only words of love. I read once that love takes strange forms.

Disclaimer: HarsH ReaLiTy, Opinionated Man, and Jason Cushman are not responsible for the outcome of participating in this survey. All those that take part are willing and are claiming to be smarter than two Koreans and a bottle of soju. If this isn’t true don’t take part… Loser…

-Opinionated Man

  

Men Only – 10 Rules for Sex


Here are some pieces of advice I have on sex and they are obviously mostly for men, but maybe some women can relate to them as well.

1. Men don’t be too quick to defend yourself. When she says “was that it?” Don’t immediately say “but baby that was 2 minutes and 35 seconds longer than last time…”

2. Men you may not want to watch the football game while having sex. If you just “happen” to sync your sexual activities with that of a two minute drill going on women WILL notice. And they don’t take too kindly to it when suddenly everyone is clapping right on queue.

3. If you throw the pillow case and ask for a timeout for a water break and then get distracted by a playoff game while downstairs don’t expect sex for another 4.3 weeks.

4. Using condiments and making things interesting is fine during sex up until a certain point. That point normally begins when you hear voices that say “Are you guys making dessert in there? I hear whipped cream… I want some!”

5. Guys if you get caught looking at the clock have an answer ready for when your woman asks “what are you looking at?” I normally pick the water glass that should be there by the bed because hydration is important, “I was making sure no one was putting anything in your drink.” When she says “…but we’re at home…” you then need to look frustrated and say “baby can we concentrate on our next moves?”

6. Getting caught having sex in public, like in a car at the park, stops being “cute” and “romantic” at a certain age. The walk of shame is a little worse when your 18 year old has to bail you out from prison and drive you home.

7. Have an answer ready for when women ask you those questions like “was it good for you baby?” I like to go overboard with my answer to stop any further conversation. “Yea baby! This Captain is sure happy! You rocked the boat!” If that one gets old you can change it up with something like “This warrior is sure glad he visited this village!”

8. Sometimes women say silly things they have either heard other people say or seen on movies. If a woman says “Baby it is so large” and you are pretty sure it isn’t… just smile and try not to roll your eyes.

9. Pretending you are a superhero makes sex better.

10. Guys don’t just roll off and run do other things. At least give her a high five before you go. That lets her know you care.

Disclaimer: HarsH ReaLiTy is not responsible for any outcome from having followed any of the above advice. We encourage caution while dealing with sensitive subjects such as these.

-Opinionated Man

 

For Men Only – “Decorative Towels”


Men I thought it might be nice to give you all a quick guide to the anomaly called “the decorative item.” If you have a steady woman, live-in girlfriend, or wife you may have encountered these strange objects around the house and thought to yourself much like me “what the fuck are these for???” Make no mistakes, these items are not to be used . Ever. EVER! They are merely for the… what again? Because not even guest are supposed to use them.

I give you item A men, the decorative towel.

  
These specimens have been seen throughout the world and are invading bathrooms daily. What are they for? Don’t touch it! …god are you crazy? That was close. Just look. Now consider this, even if for some reason some intruder came in and I saved the day like the Korean Superman I am I still better not use that towel to clean my blood. That towel right there gentlemen… yes, it looks normal doesn’t it? We are all in agreement this is a normal towel? I don’t get it either… next they’ll invent decorative beers…

-OM