10 Annoying Things People Say


1. “I hope you don’t get offended by this but…” You are about to say something that is going to make me want to punch you in the face right? I never understood why people feel the need to say this. It must be due to a weak backbone because they normally follow this phrase with something highly offensive. “I hope you don’t get offended by this but… have you gained weight?” Why yes I have and thank you! I am not offended at all!

2. “When I was young.” I seriously think you have to be holding a cane to say this. I actually had a boss once say this to me and when I asked him his age he was younger than I was. Dude… shut your mouth, when you were young indeed.

3. “I’m the type of guy/girl that…” Why don’t you just show me instead of telling me? Honestly if you need to tell people “the type of person you are” you must not be living the real you or they would ALREADY KNOW. And if you are telling this to a new acquaintance just know it is annoying as shit unless you are famous and even if you are famous you better be Anthony Bourdain interesting. Half the time the people actually will do that thing anyways…

4. “How’s it going?” I don’t know why people say “how’s it going” when you pass them in the hall at work. I feel like a jerk if I don’t say a “same shit different day” phrase or something more than “hey!” Maybe I am just anti-social.

5. “You wouldn’t understand.” Is it because I am Korean? I am stupid? I am male? I am tall? I am skinny? I am looking in the wrong direction? God didn’t love me? Why? Why???

6. “I am really good at Starcraft.” LIES! YOU AREN’T KOREAN! I am offended.

7. “I am so tired. I never get any sleep.” Unless you have kids, work two to three jobs to make ends meet, or are in Law/Medical/Architecture school you don’t know tired. Even if you never have kids I still think this is a stupid statement, ask a parent with a couple children how tired they are pumpkin.

8. “Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL.” I hate you.

9. “I am sooo offensive!” You see I never claim to be offensive and in fact I think the whole world should love me. People that say this statement are generally as mild as the yellow packet of sauce from Taco Bell.

10. “America thinks they need to police the world and stick their nose in everyone’s business.” Yea, but you guys sure love to ask us for loans right? How are my tax dollars working out for you? I wonder if our Presidents get slapped in the face before or after we hand out these checks. When is it going to end America? Let the world kill itself.

-OM

 

Some Personal Retorts – By: OM


“You eat meat? You murder animals.” …I hate baby elephants…

“Do you know how many calories are in that?” The same amount as there was when I ate it yesterday?

“Are you throwing that away? There are starving people around the world!” Did you want me to Fedex my leftovers or something?

“Hate is such a strong word. You shouldn’t say you hate people.” I hate you.

“All you do is write your opinion. You don’t ever debate or allow others to share theirs.” Ok, are you finished yet?

“You are going to hell.” Been there. They kicked me out…

“Koreans are horrible drivers.” Good, I will have an excuse when I run your ass over.

“All Asians are good at math.” That is because we are all smart enough to buy calculators… stupid.

“Chopsticks are so hard to eat with! I barely even get a bite!” Why do you think Asians are generally so skinny? Even we hate eating a whole meal with chopsticks. Where the hell is my spoon?

“Are you worried about when the time comes for your daughters to date?” I am only worried about having the energy to dig that many graves…

“You are such a misogynist asshole.” Pure butter baby.

-OM

10 Ways to Make Your Day Awesome!


1. Play “Eye of the Tiger” while you shower. That is a magical experience. Seriously try it.

2. Convince the spouse to have sex in the morning. Everyone has sex at night… boring! Morning sex really is awesome. Awesome.

3. Tell the woman at Starbucks that your name is Superman/Superwoman. Hearing your name or seeing it written will make you feel crazy good. Crazy good!

4. Eat a burger at Outback Steakhouse in America. If you are from a foreign country… well it must suck not to be American. I got lucky and was drafted from Korea.

5. Drink a morning beer. I don’t know what it is with connecting the image of an alcoholic to morning beverage consumption. On average a fridge presents very few options mostly consisting of either orange or apple juice, milk, and a various selection of beers. It is therefore a rational human response to grab a can of bud lite. Everyone knows it is just like water… plus a few nutritious ingredients. What the hell is the problem here?

6. Buy a number one from McDonalds and don’t you dare use location as an excuse. Everyone knows there is a freaking McDonalds in every country except North Korea.

7. Hear the words “I love you” from anyone, even if you have to give $10 to the crackhead on the corner. An “I love you” is all about feelings.

8. Tell someone at work you are dying. It is amazing how nice people are to you, honestly amazing…

9. Say “OM” in the morning. You might even make a wish and if it comes true I take full credit.

10. Call in sick to work. Honestly is there any better feeling than calling in sick to work?

-OM

10 Reasons Why Feminists are So Angry!


1. The Broncos lost the Superbowl. I can understand the outrage actually, I am still upset as well!

2. Some Dairy Queen Restaurants have started to not serve hamburgers and instead ONLY serve hotdogs and shakes. I know! It is the largest scam since the $10 beer at baseball games. I want my freaking burger!

3. There is a package of cheese that now “advertises” their new packaging is half the size of the old container. The issue here is that they are basically saying “look at all the plastic we have been wasting for so many years! But don’t worry we finally fixed it 30 years later! It just feels like I am getting cheated.

4. I misspell misogyny all the time. Could there honestly be a harder word to spell? I think feminists created the word on purpose to make us feel stupid while trying to write it. And by “us” I mean the other misogynists and me.

5. Wolverine cried in the 3rd X-Men. I absolutely hate that Wolverine sat there and blubbered for minutes moaning “Jeannnnnn!!!!” What a kitten.

6. All these “rice rockets” try to race me. I am driving a “fully loaded DOWN” Toyota Camry with two car seats and a few maintenance lights on in the dashboard. I am not racing anyone… go the fuck away!

7. I keep reading posts about Israel and Palestine that are so horribly written it makes me wonder if the writer actually knows where those countries are located on a map.

8. People that hate guns don’t understand the difference between a semi-automatic and a fully automatic weapon. I love how people embellish clip sizes too because they have no clue how many bullets actually go into each weapon. They probably still watch those movies where the “heroes” never run out of bullets in a gun fight. “Why do people need a magazine with fifty rounds?!?” Really? Fifty?

9. “Immigration is a “new” problem.” Right… so new huh.

10. Holy water doesn’t work on most people. It really should.

Note: On second thought these might actually be reasons why I am angry… not feminists. My bad!

-Opinionated Man

Manurisms Women Should Know! Pt. 1


… and my translations. –OM

 

“Yea Sure, that sounds good maybe.” This basically means we weren’t really listening, but we might have caught the last two words and it definitely sounds like an “ok” possibility. Why would you ask me a question with more than three sentences on gameday?

 

“It is in that place!” Come on ladies… we all have a “place” we put things. Is it the counter? The dresser? Where is it, but it IS somewhere. But nooooo you have to act like we haven’t lived together for the past how long?

 

“Yea… I mean it tasted interesting!” That Shit Was Disgusting!

 

“Baby OF COURSE you look ok.” I can’t tell if there is something here I am supposed to see. I should have checked the credit card history to see if she went to the hair salon or got a new outfit. Oh well… safe answer time!

 

“Just order me whatever” Why did we come to this place? Where are we…

 

“Do you think this pet (or insert “another pet here”) is a good idea???” I already take care of our other “dog” who I don’t really consider a dog because it fits in your purse. Why doesn’t it walk again?

 

“Damn, I said I would take care of it!” = “Damn, I knew I forgot to do something yesterday.”

 

“Seriously I will watch anything other than this. ANYTHING!” = “Seriously I will watch anything other than this. ANYTHING!”

Part 2 My Feminist Vow – By: Opinionated Man


Part 1 can be found here – http://aopinionatedman.com/2014/03/10/my-feminist-vow-by-opinionated-man/

I vow to never place Mrs. in front of my name. Instead I will hold strong and place “single” (forever…) there instead!

I vow to not do the dishes and clean the kitchen anymore… even though I currently don’t do those things. It is the principle of rejecting them though right?

I vow to aggressively attack other women that are not as feminine as me. If you aren’t with us you are against us!

I vow to keep track of every female celebrity to ensure they are holding up “the banner.” You girls better be waving that thing with pride or else you are obviously a black mark on womanhood. Drop your own agendas, career goals, and instead join the feminist bandwagon! We are accepting members against their will.

I vow to never allow a man to save me in a dangerous situation. If that means I have to wrestle an alligator, well equality has its price! I need some new alligator skin heels anyways… maybe a matching purse?

I vow that when I reach Heaven I will ask God why in the world he created Adam first. Bad move!

I vow to become a geneticist so that we can eventually remove the need for penises. They are evil, ugly, and they move by themselves sometimes!

-Opinionated Man