1. You force us into saying your kid is cute, “isn’t my kid sooooo cute??” when he really isn’t. Actually he is kind of ugly…
2. We hear what little Johnny has accomplished every day! We really don’t need to know that Johnny went pee pee by himself finally, but missed the toilet while going poo poo. Especially while we are eating lunch at work!
3. Everything to you about your kid is hilarious and everything to the people you are talking to is “yawnage.”
4. We get to hear every time your child is sick. Kids get sick a lot… honestly unless your kid is in the hospital or suddenly grows a second head we are ALL on a need to know basis. We don’t need to know most things.
5. Parents now “walk” their kids with leashes. They hide the fact it is really a leash by turning it into a backpack with a strap on it OR the leash is a lion’s tail. You aren’t fooling us parents! I can only guess what the aliens think when they take pictures of us…
6. Some parents, especially the ones with boys, look so tired all the time and they walk around with a glazed look in their eyes. As a parent myself I can almost hear their thought process.
“Oh shit Billy has a rock… I should tell him to put it down. No… No… I’ll wait and see if he throws it. Oh shit he threw it! Well… at least he didn’t hit anyone. I should praise him for that.”
7. I saw the funniest sticker the other day. I am sure most of us have seen the stick figure families on the windows of cars right? Well this picture said “I don’t give a fuck about your stick figure family” and had a monster chasing the stick figures. I literally died laughing, I must get one of those!
8. Parents are always comparing each other and the worst part is that it is almost impossible to do. Every parent thinks that they are currently experiencing the worst of the worst. The amusing part is as soon as we add one more kid to the picture we get a huge kick in the ass over how easy we actually had it. I think parents should just shut up and not complain. I try not to myself because I know that somewhere there is a single mother with three children that makes me look like a lazy piece of shit.
9. Everyone feels their kids should be a winner. This society today that spoils kids with a trophy even for the losers is setting up our children for failure and parents are only fueling this progression. The other day I went up to my manager and asked why can’t we all be managers? Can’t we at least all use the title even if we didn’t really “win” the position? Current childhood practices would not have prepared me for the answer I got…
10. “Oh they are just kids.” Well there are kids… and there are “kids.” I watched the movie “Kids” ok parents and if little Scotty looks at my daughter one more time he may not have eyes to look at her again.