10 Ways to Get New Followers

1. Stalk them online for months until you know everything about them. Then one day drop the bomb. Comment on their post, but tie everything in that they have ever said for the past year into one paragraph. You will impress the shit out of them… or scare the living shit out of them. Who wouldn’t love that?

2. Ask for help every day on every post. People LOVE to be helpful. It works seriously.

3. Naked photo of self or hotter self.

4. Pretend to be a little younger than you are and if you are really old a lot younger than you are.

5. Don’t tell people you have kids. I torture my readers with pictures of my kids all the time only because I am mean as hell.

6. Steal pictures off the internet of new locations so it looks like you travel the world every day. Be sure and include a new car, bottles of champagne, and hot women of course.

7. Pretend to be dying.

8. Battle a shark, youtube it, and lose.

9. Write offensive material that no one should give a shit about, but they probably all will.

10. Just tell us about your day. No one else is living that day but you so someone will find it interesting.


My Bucket List – Part 2

For the first part please refer to the below link.


1. I am going to put on a white robe and randomly walk into the first “Christian church” I find and shout “You idiots! I was Korean!”

2. I’ve never fired anyone before in my life and I feel like I am really missing out. I will fire someone from a non-existent company before I die.

3. I have a theory that feminists in high heels can run just as fast as the ones wearing combat boots. I have decided to test this theory at the next Boulder, CO feminist rally I see. I believe all I will have to do is shout “Hey! I am for equal rights too and I am a man!” Let the footrace begin!

4. I want to get pregnant so I can finally let the world know I have a right to have a say on abortion.

5. I need to learn Mandarin so I can finally understand what the Chinese people at the Dragon Inn are saying about me. It can’t be nice or else they are just mean looking people…

6. I will finally visit a real igloo and see where they hide the toilet and how in the hell they flush it. No wonder those penguins are angry, you Canadians have been flushing shit into their home this whole time!

7. I want to tackle Tom Brady just once and maybe Belichick as well.

8. Just once I want to ride around in a real suit of armor (preferable made of gold) and ride around on a real horse like a knight. A badass Korean knight. I think I would be the first one actually.

9. I would like to see all my choices after death before deciding. Maybe even get to sample them all, that sounds entertaining!

10. I would like to publicly get in a fist fight with ten men and win in front of a crowd of all women, but only if I am going to win. Getting my ass kicked by ten men in front of a bunch of women doesn’t sound like it would make my bucket list…

-Opinionated Man

8 Reasons People are So Angry!

1. They are short. Honestly if I was ass level to all the tall people my whole life I would be pissed off too. Not to mention if you die and find out your height sticks… imagine then you are short for eternity! How is that heaven?

2. You live in a country with no toilets. Believe it or not there are still countries that require you to squat and go! I know! I’d be pissed off too! Some of my best moments of peace are sitting on my porcelain throne.

3. You keep wanting to join movements only to find out Feminists stole it already!!! How annoying right? The other day I went to a Wal-Mart protest after shopping there and taking advantage of some great deals, and I came out to find that if you are anti-Wal-Mart you are now a feminist! Apparently they hijacked that movement right around the time they took over “equal rights.”

4. Wildlife hates you. And people are just now finding this out. I guess all of those silly “save the animal” fundraisers were a waste of time huh? No really… those animals hate you all.

5. No one cares to really help us. Helium III is present in the hundreds of millions of tons on the moon and we are sucking on gasoline why? Because no one cares to really fix the energy crisis. We would rather go to Mars and a runaway comet, which although cool, is not helping my Camry to run.

6. There is still not a Korean as president of the United States. I know I am pretty furious myself. Settle down people… Obama said “yes it may happen.” Or whatever his slogan was.

7. Peyton Manning and the Broncos lost and those Patriots won with their demonic commander Tom Evil Brady.

8. It is snowing everywhere. You know for something so cold nothing gets us heated like snow does. It is only pretty on the television.


Ten Reasons Why We Hate Parents

1. You force us into saying your kid is cute, “isn’t my kid sooooo cute??” when he really isn’t. Actually he is kind of ugly…

2. We hear what little Johnny has accomplished every day! We really don’t need to know that Johnny went pee pee by himself finally, but missed the toilet while going poo poo. Especially while we are eating lunch at work!

3. Everything to you about your kid is hilarious and everything to the people you are talking to is “yawnage.”

4. We get to hear every time your child is sick. Kids get sick a lot… honestly unless your kid is in the hospital or suddenly grows a second head we are ALL on a need to know basis. We don’t need to know most things.

5. Parents now “walk” their kids with leashes. They hide the fact it is really a leash by turning it into a backpack with a strap on it OR the leash is a lion’s tail. You aren’t fooling us parents! I can only guess what the aliens think when they take pictures of us…

6. Some parents, especially the ones with boys, look so tired all the time and they walk around with a glazed look in their eyes. As a parent myself I can almost hear their thought process.

“Oh shit Billy has a rock… I should tell him to put it down. No… No… I’ll wait and see if he throws it. Oh shit he threw it! Well… at least he didn’t hit anyone. I should praise him for that.”

7. I saw the funniest sticker the other day. I am sure most of us have seen the stick figure families on the windows of cars right? Well this picture said “I don’t give a fuck about your stick figure family” and had a monster chasing the stick figures. I literally died laughing, I must get one of those!

8. Parents are always comparing each other and the worst part is that it is almost impossible to do. Every parent thinks that they are currently experiencing the worst of the worst. The amusing part is as soon as we add one more kid to the picture we get a huge kick in the ass over how easy we actually had it. I think parents should just shut up and not complain. I try not to myself because I know that somewhere there is a single mother with three children that makes me look like a lazy piece of shit.

9. Everyone feels their kids should be a winner. This society today that spoils kids with a trophy even for the losers is setting up our children for failure and parents are only fueling this progression. The other day I went up to my manager and asked why can’t we all be managers? Can’t we at least all use the title even if we didn’t really “win” the position? Current childhood practices would not have prepared me for the answer I got…

10. “Oh they are just kids.” Well there are kids… and there are “kids.” I watched the movie “Kids” ok parents and if little Scotty looks at my daughter one more time he may not have eyes to look at her again.


10 Reasons Why I Don’t Read Your Blog

1. Because you haven’t written anything interesting. You have to catch my eye just like any other reader, any new reader, or even any subscriber you currently have. Don’t blame the readers, look to yourselves bloggers.

2. You don’t post often enough for me to even notice you post at all.

3. I left a comment on your blog and you never responded. If I miss a comment on my blog, which does happen sometimes unintentionally, then I don’t expect those people to return either.

4. You keep changing your gravatar and I don’t recognize you anymore. Believe it or not people the gravatar image is almost as recognizable as your blog address. Don’t change it unless you have to and if you must change it do it once. Not fifty million times.

5. You said you hate my blog and I got my feelings hurt and cried a little bit.

6. You post photos of rabbits, squirrels, clowns, spiders, or anyone from the Patriots.

7. You didn’t link your blog to your username OR I get a 404 error. Getting 404 errors is about as annoying as getting kicked in the nuts. I won’t try twice normally.

8. You post on one topic and I find it boring. Now if you were to start talking about Peyton Manning or Starcraft you might just win a fan.

9. Every post you write is about your book. Every post. Every single post. All the posts on your blog… There are ways to promote without being annoying or killing your blog.

10. This last one is a little more serious. I absolutely hate when a writer assumes that their reader has read every post on their blog. Assume we are new to your website and please walk us through your thoughts. If the post reads like hanging cliff after hanging cliff, with presented link as historical reference, I won’t follow or keep reading. It is just annoying as hell.


My Bucket List – Part 1

1. Find my birth father and punch him in the face. If he isn’t available Tom Brady will do.

2. Finally complete my Mini Death Star and become the ruler I was meant to be.

3. Video tape an interview with a fetus and finally find out what they think about abortion. We already know what all of you think.

4. Fight a shark and see if they are truly as mean as people keep claiming they are. They don’t look so tough during shark week, Sharknado, or Jaws II & III (the original Jaws was pretty scary, but I am certain that was all CGI).

5. Attend a feminist rally and bring a bucket of snickers bars. See if that solves anything.

6. I would like to taste every single scotch in the world. Even those weird ones made in Japan.

7. I am going to visit China and publish a blog post from there. If that is indeed my last blog post you better find some important Asians in America to come save my ass. Let’s see we have Margaret Cho… and maybe a slice of Tiger Woods. Yea I am dead.

8. Take pregnancy leave from work at least one time.

9. Fly an airplane with or without lessons.

10. Meet Peyton Manning and God. Perhaps at the same time.