Why I Don’t Workout

1. Because you can’t make me anymore, United States Government.

2. I am trying to preserve water and what better way to waste a precious resource than guzzling it down from a metal waterhole.

3. I ran out of steroids and these white pills I supplemented with might actually be laxatives.

4. I am already angry. No one wants an angry AND a strong Korean running around Denver.

5. When I workout my fingers get extra big and it makes it hard to grab the zipper on my jeans.

6. I am too sexy when I run apparently because people always talk to me when I am jogging. Don’t you see me using my air for other things cupcake?

7. Last time I went for an “evening run” five cops tackled me and told me to stop resisting arrest…

8. I feel embarrassed lifting the 10 pound weights when Cindy is throwing up 50s. Chill the hell out Cindy!

9. I hate the smell of gyms. They smell like old socks, over active youths, and protein farts. Maybe because that is what they are.

10. People are always screaming and yelling for random reasons… or no reason at all. It feels like a mixture between a haunted house and a torture chamber. Personally I’m not a fan of either those.


10 Reasons People Hate You

1. You always have a relationship problem. You know who doesn’t have relationship issues? Monks and nuns, their arguments are generally one sided.

2. You one up everyone. No one likes a one upper they are possibly the most annoying creatures on this planet. I especially hate the guy that can’t just say “yep, you are right.” Instead they say “I agree but” or “I agree and.” No BUTS and ANDS asshole! Just agree!

3. You are always showing off something new every day. Life is unfair and I get that. Some people have nicer things and I get that. No one wants to be around someone that is constantly buying new stuff and bragging about it ok? Especially if that “special” individual doesn’t even have a fucking job!!!

4. You think a large vocabulary makes you smart. So you did some studying and you learned a bunch of odd words no one uses. Congrats to you. If I have to physically look up multiple words on my iPhone while we are talking I’ll normally just walk away and find a five year old to talk to. They are generally far more interesting people anyway.

5. You survived something and you think that entitles you to daily praise. We all have struggles. Sure some go through far more than others, but it becomes highly annoying when you use your past tribulations as not only a crunch, but also as your business card. Don’t do that.

6. You have a new “movement” each week. People that find some cause to parade each time something big hits the media are annoying as hell. It is even more amusing when you ask them a year later “so how is saving those seals going?” “Well… I save sharks now.” “Don’t sharks eat seals…”

7. You claim to be a professional photographer because you have a nice camera. I bought a nice hockey stick once and claimed to be a professional hockey player. That lasted one period.

8. You are super hot and claim you can’t find a date. Either some guy or girl did a real number on your self esteem or you are one picky ass person.

9. You are a clown. I just really hate clowns and felt a need to add it.

10. You mow your yard at 7 am on a Saturday! Seriously who does that? That shit is so annoying! And you woke up my kids which means I now have to get up. Thanks a lot asshole.


Bathroom Rules for Men

The Buffer Zone – Guys this isn’t just a punchline for movies. The buffer zone exists. If you walk into the bathroom and there are six empty urinals and only one person is peeing don’t go stand right next to that person. That is just awkward and unless you are about to ask me if you can help me shake it… just weird.

If you don’t wash your hands – I will normally only shoot you a “wow you are a disgusting creature” look, but here is the catch. If later that afternoon you come by my desk and offer me a cookie or a Cheetoe I will reserve the right to not only give you a crazy look, but ALSO to inform you why I will never, ever share food with you. Ever!

Whimpering in the stall – I always assume that if I hear whimpers or weird moans that you are just having a “hard time” with it. That is cool and all, but we are men right? Cowboy the hell up and keep that noise to a -1 volume. No one wants to hear you in there even if the door is closed.

Throwing up in the sink – I don’t understand why you are not throwing up in the toilet, but OK! Let’s just give you the benefit of the doubt that whatever you ate has got to come up immediately. CLEAN THE FREAKING SINK! Especially if you are at work, not even the janitors deserve to clean up that crap.

Saying “Hi” in the restroom – Hellos and Goodbyes should be kept to a minimal in the restroom. There is nothing that important that we need to speak about and frankly my mind is set on a different goal.

Talking to me while I pee – Are you honestly trying to make me uncomfortable? Are you waiting to see if I will switch toilets… because I will! This isn’t musical chairs either, stay your talkative ass over there.

Come on guys these rules aren’t that hard. Stop making the peaceful comforts of the bathroom vanish.

-Opinionated Man

9 Reasons Not to Sue Opinionated Man

Don’t hate me for using third person above. I couldn’t help it.

1. Capture


2. Although the Cushman family traces its lineage to David Cushman who came over with the Mayflower our family fortune went into golf carts and property. Unfortunately I have never been invited to the investors meetings… but I am holding out hope I am the illegitimate son of someone rich out there! Hopefully not Kim Jong-un.

3. You won’t find me! I am changing my name to Chang and moving to China! Good luck!

4. I can’t afford a lawyer so I would have to defend myself in court. I guarantee it would turn into a circus that no one, you included, would want to observe. Trust me on that.

5. My wife will beat me.

6. If I fail to pay and have to go to jail I would look awful in an orange jumpsuit. Yellow and orange really don’t go well together.

7. They don’t serve kimchi in prison. Don’t send me there… that would be hell.

8. If you sue me I may die laughing. While that sounds like a pleasant way to “go out” my kids would just be baffled and confused. “You mean daddy actually died laughing?…”

9. I would have to take a second job to pay off the debt. The only other thing I am qualified to do is make French Fries and I really don’t want to do that again.

-Opinionated Man

10 Things I Hate About You

You stand far too close to me. Are you standing this close because you heard rubbing against an Asian is good luck?

You pop your gum constantly… for hours on end. It causes me to want to climb a wall OR to go over and hit you on the back causing you to spit the gum on the floor. I would then jump up and down on that gum with petulant glee screaming “you done popping yet? ARE YOU???”

I hate how you have a new movement each week. One day you are walking around in a whale outfit and the next you are laying down in front of my SUV while I am trying to drive away saying “I am murdering the ozone.” I can’t keep up with you!

I hate how you count how many drinks I have had. I am keeping count just fine myself. I put the tops in my pocket. Let’s see I have five… ten… more than a few here apparently…

I hate how you suck the fun out of things. You don’t even need to wave a wand you seem to just absorb the fun in the room. I bet if you bumped into a clown you would kill him by contact.

I hate that you are from a different country and think that you know how “America is” because you have visited here once. I have lived here for 30 years and I still don’t understand this batshit country.

I hate that you have a sign that says “Pro-Choice, Abortion Rights” in one hand and in the other you have “Save the Dolphins.” Fuck the dolphins.

I hate people telling me not to say the word “hate.” I love saying hate because everything else is not worth mentioning.

I hate your perfect sentence because I didn’t write it.

I hate people that are famous for being famous. Naming no names here, but it makes me jealous as hell.


10 Reasons Why Feminists are So Angry!

1. The Broncos lost the Superbowl. I can understand the outrage actually, I am still upset as well!

2. Some Dairy Queen Restaurants have started to not serve hamburgers and instead ONLY serve hotdogs and shakes. I know! It is the largest scam since the $10 beer at baseball games. I want my freaking burger!

3. There is a package of cheese that now “advertises” their new packaging is half the size of the old container. The issue here is that they are basically saying “look at all the plastic we have been wasting for so many years! But don’t worry we finally fixed it 30 years later! It just feels like I am getting cheated.

4. I misspell misogyny all the time. Could there honestly be a harder word to spell? I think feminists created the word on purpose to make us feel stupid while trying to write it. And by “us” I mean the other misogynists and me.

5. Wolverine cried in the 3rd X-Men. I absolutely hate that Wolverine sat there and blubbered for minutes moaning “Jeannnnnn!!!!” What a kitten.

6. All these “rice rockets” try to race me. I am driving a “fully loaded DOWN” Toyota Camry with two car seats and a few maintenance lights on in the dashboard. I am not racing anyone… go the fuck away!

7. I keep reading posts about Israel and Palestine that are so horribly written it makes me wonder if the writer actually knows where those countries are located on a map.

8. People that hate guns don’t understand the difference between a semi-automatic and a fully automatic weapon. I love how people embellish clip sizes too because they have no clue how many bullets actually go into each weapon. They probably still watch those movies where the “heroes” never run out of bullets in a gun fight. “Why do people need a magazine with fifty rounds?!?” Really? Fifty?

9. “Immigration is a “new” problem.” Right… so new huh.

10. Holy water doesn’t work on most people. It really should.

Note: On second thought these might actually be reasons why I am angry… not feminists. My bad!

-Opinionated Man