Reasons People Ditch My Blog


1. They never truly get my humor. And honestly that hurts.

2. “Unfollowing because you don’t recycle. Recycle motherfucker!” An actual quote.

3. People say I am racist. I am not racist. I simply think my race is better than everyone else’s. You guys still deserve to live though… so we are good right?

4. They find out I am not a feminist. I’m not so sure why it takes so long to connect the dots…

5. I post too much. Bloggers have told me that I personally am the sole reason they don’t have readers. Apparently all 55,388 “real” WordPress users are on my site only! Amazing!

6. I curse too much. Might I say here that I feel I don’t curse that much at all actually. I curse when the mood suits me.

7. People hate my views and hate that I voice them. They hate even more that people read my posts and that some readers agree with me. If none of you read my blog these people wouldn’t care. Because you all do, they do.

8. I don’t care about all of your damn causes. I have my own fucking banners to wave.

9. People get mad that I don’t visit their blog daily. I don’t even visit “myself” daily… so yea. Take that for what it is.

10. People claim all I write is clickbait that they end up clicking all the time. Exactly whose fault is that?

11. I am a real person with real hatred for some things in this world. Because I hate these things I will sporadically bring them up, which is what a personal blog is for. That tends to irritate people. Well I hate your fucking haircut so we are even.

12. I didn’t cry about Cecil. This is a bigger deal than I imagined.

-Opinionated Man

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Times when I don’t speak English


“License and registration please?I don’t speak English.

“Have you spoken to God lately?” I don’t speak English.

“Would any employees like to chip in for a gift for the CEO’s birthday?“ Why the hell would I… you know what never mind. I don’t speak English.

“How many shots of this shit did you drink? It says not to consume more than three drinks in any 24 hour period!” I don’t speak English.

“Jason can you read page 29 for the class?” I don’t speak English.

“This is a FOB party man so try to fit in.” I’ll pretend I don’t speak English.

“When did you arrive in this country?” I am still arriving and I don’t speak English.

 

“Take us to your leader!”

I am so glad you speak English! So do I!!! Our leader’s name is Barack Obama and he lives in a giant white house to the east of here. Shouldn’t take more than five seconds by hyper jump! You can’t miss it!

-OM

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Part 2 My Feminist Vow – By: Opinionated Man


Part 1 can be found here – http://aopinionatedman.com/2015/03/25/my-feminist-vow-by-opinionated-man/

I vow to never place Mrs. in front of my name. Instead I will hold strong and place “single” (forever…) there instead!

I vow to not do the dishes and clean the kitchen anymore… even though I currently don’t do those things. It is the principle of rejecting them though right?

I vow to aggressively attack other women that are not as feminine as me. If you aren’t with us you are against us!

I vow to keep track of every female celebrity to ensure they are holding up “the banner.” You girls better be waving that thing with pride or else you are obviously a black mark on womanhood. Drop your own agendas, career goals, and instead join the feminist bandwagon! We are accepting members against their will.

I vow to never allow a man to save me in a dangerous situation. If that means I have to wrestle an alligator, well equality has its price! I need some new alligator skin heels anyways… maybe a matching purse?

I vow that when I reach Heaven I will ask God why in the world he created Adam first. Bad move!

I vow to become a geneticist so that we can eventually remove the need for penises. They are evil, ugly, and they move by themselves sometimes!

-Opinionated Man

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Shit I Say


Drinking cold coffee is like having sex with no orgasm.

I bet he buys his friends.

I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire.

I would be offended by what you say if I didn’t already think I was better than you.

Who the hell orders a burger at a Mexican restaurant?

Every time someone serves me cold French fries I die a little inside.

Do you have an air exhaust on that keyboard you little keyboard warrior you.

Magic 8 ball says I really don’t give a fuck.

This music video makes me want to challenge someone to a dance off.

Asians are taken so seriously we have to work twice as hard at being funny.

When I invented technology I meant for it to be easy. I didn’t count on user stupidity.

Where the hell did you get your driver’s license from a cereal box?

The day I drink a cosmopolitan in public is the day my manhood falls off.

How can I respect an artist that doesn’t even know her own lyrics that she supposedly wrote?

Was this intended to be a children’s book or for actual adults…

I can’t believe I just wasted 5 minutes of my life reading that shit.

Don’t you cops have some real crimes to fight? A lot of crime around this library huh.

-OM

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HarsH ReaLiTy Meeting 3.0


Location: a dive bar (how the hell did we end up at a local dive bar??? Help!)

Time: Between the hand that is blurry and the blurry thing next to it.

Reason: Jason made us.

Angry: Who Picked This Fucking Place??? Where the hell are we? Is this… is this a fucking dive bar? Holy shit the name isn’t even capitalized. This IS a dive bar!!!

Peacemaker: Well we agreed the “tower” was getting a little stuffy. Allergies over there couldn’t handle it.

Sarcasm: Dude we are right around the corner from where we live. You know the red building next to Feella So Good Massage place? Duh…

Angry: I’m already uncomfortable enough without your flip guy. What the hell is this meeting for?

Drunk: Personally I love this place.

Jason: God I feel like I’m 20 again. Anyways, we were supposed to meet about our future blog plans.

Strategist: I knew that incident a couple months ago was going to hurt us. We dropped 200,000 ranks in Alexa!

Bored: God I thought you said we were getting a Lexus. I felt it move! Now I’m bored again… why didn’t we choose a strip club?

Korean Jesus: That just wouldn’t be right.

Jason: Sigh… who invited Korean Jesus THIS time???

Sarcasm: These meetings suck. I’m leaving.

End transcript

  

Nine Reasons being Asian is Awesome


1) I can walk to the park and start swinging my arms around and claim it is some form of martial arts when it isn’t and people will join in.

2) My eyes are so small I don’t really need shades. I buy them anyways because they make me look badass.

3) If I am ever lost in the woods I can create a fire with the chopsticks I always have with me.

4) I throw my hands at people like I am throwing a fireball and people actually get scared. Thank you Hollywood.

5) If someone has a problem with their cell phone I can normally take it, look at it for a few minutes, tell them they need a new one, and still look smart.

6) When people ask me math questions they believe me when I quickly say an answer, any answer, and hopefully they don’t realize it till they are down the hall.

7) If someone is about to approach me that I really don’t like I pull my cell phone out and start yelling “what sounds like Korean.” I don’t personally speak Korean, but no one wants to bother an angry Korean man.

8) I can drink anyone under the table in shots of Soju.

9) We look really young until the day we grow old. On that day we are as old as we are going to be till we die…

-OM

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