1. If you have too much fun in college they give you these. Yea… they really suck the fun out of you.
2. If you allow girls to hug you too tightly you end up having children. I would just not touch them at all if I were you son.
3. After dating exactly 8 months and 9 days women have babies. They just have them. It is an act of god. You may want to rethink that long term relationship till after your schooling is done.
4. You kids can play on the beach, but don’t go into the ocean until the grown ups do. If you swim in the ocean you might get pregnant.
5. Are you sure you want to drink alcohol? Drinking too much alcohol can cause you to have kids.
6. Don’t date boys. If they fart on you they can cause you to become pregnant.
7. If you don’t make it into college your body becomes depressed and you have children. You better study hard!
8. Storks have been known to drop off babies at random. That is why daddy shoots them down with his shotgun on the back porch.
9. If people are too happy or too sad they become pregnant. A nice median is always the key to blissful quietness.
10. That is a good question daughter. You see when other women with babies come around women without babies they guilt those people into having more responsibility when honestly they could do without anymore pooping, peeing, crying individuals around the house. Other people cause people to have babies.
*Marlboro lights – You remind me of Mary. I miss her dearly. She was a great friend, a confidant, a shining light in my life during a time I needed some light. Taken too soon from us, you will be missed.
*Kids on bikes – I am reminded of when I was younger and still living in Jackson Mississippi. I had a small dirt bike, a hand me down from my brother, and all my friends had nice new “multiple speed” bikes that were just coming out. Needless to say I lost every race. I recall often times throwing my bike into a dirt ditch in frustration.
*Dirt ditches – Anytime I see a street or neighborhood without a sidewalk I am reminded of Jackson, MS. Many of the neighborhoods in Jackson don’t have sidewalks and I get a familiar tingle when I see the same thing in other cities. Ever felt like you were walking down a memory?
*Throwing Stars and nunchucks – I get a vivid memory when I think or see these words. It reminds me of Knoxville, TN. My Asian friends (and the token white dude) were in the parking lot of one of the dorms on campus hanging out. My Filipino friend decided to show us his nunchuck skills. I will say here that he was pretty good. To this day I do not recall any glances of fear or alarm from those passing by, but someone obviously called the cops. A cop car screeched into the parking lot and two white sheriffs stepped out with guns drawn. “Get your hands up and drop the weapon!” We looked at each other in confusion, but of course complied. After making sure we were not a threat, we were left with one last memorable statement. “You boys don’t have any throwing stars or knives do you?” Nice…
*Captain Morgan – Cigarette thrown, angry Korean, guy gets a bloody nose, more rum.
*Wendy’s after midnight – Knoxville, TN we pulled up and ordered almost everything on the menu. As we got to the window we decided it was an appropriate time to spark up. The lady at the window looks over her shoulder for her manager and then says “give me a hit and the food is free.” Win!
*Seattle Washington and stupid buses – So I arrived in Seattle in the summer of the 2000 for the motherland tour to Korea which I write about in my adoption story. I arrived a day earlier so the other people going on the trip were not yet there. One girl was and she invited me to go downtown to the mall to meet some of her friends she had not seen in some time since she was not from Seattle. I agreed and we saw a bit of Seattle and I quickly fell in love with the city. When it was time to go she decided to hang around and I told her I was fine getting a bus back to the airport hotel we were staying at. The problem was that at the age of 18 I had never actually ridden a city bus before. I figured it would be as simple as walking to the opposite side of the street and getting a bus going the opposite direction. How was I to know, I was from Memphis, TN where you don’t ride a bus unless you have to… ever. Needless to say I did not get to my destination and I was forced to ask a police officer, like the orphan that I was, how to get to the airport. Embarrassment
*Scottsdale, AZ – One of the few memories I have of my father and I spending time together. I don’t begrudge him, he is my role model when it comes to providing for a family. He was always busy, but as a chief physician and a teacher at medical schools that shouldn’t be unexpected. It is to a kid though. Scottsdale was beautiful and my father was giving a talk at a place called the Phoenician, which was a Ritz. It was my first Ritz… I will remember forever the mother of pearl swimming pool there. Amazing
*San Antonio, TX – Basic training. Getting a post card 3 weeks in from my family on an Alaskan family reunion cruise. Miserable
*Cracker Barrel – This place is really white and even though I am with white parents I never belonged there. One of the few restaurants I have ever felt that way. I don’t go there anymore.
*The 3 – My two friends and I as kids were the 3 forwards on our soccer team and we kicked some 10 year old ass back in the day. Those fools never knew what hit them…
*The Year Off – My transition from junior high to High School was funny because the inner city schools in Memphis, TN have never had strong soccer teams. When my friends and I entered into the “system” many city soccer coaches took notice because there was literally a “team” of us in the same 2 grades. I remember as we were getting ready to enter High School that I met my future coach, a real pompous braggart that was one of those soccer coaches that dresses as if he is a player too… give it up. He would even try to show us techniques, which was amusing considering most of us played competitive soccer since the school soccer was really just amusing to us. That was the year I “took a year off from soccer” to play golf. The High School coach was not pleased, he wanted us all on his new “super team.” Tough shit Sherlock, I don’t regret it to this day asshole.
*Pre-AP English – “You won’t ever be a good writer. Many people aren’t great at writing, try something new.” So motivating…
*AP English – “Mom I got a 4 on the AP English exam! Can I go shove it in Mrs. ___ #@$%#@%@#$ face?”
*12th grade Art class – My first in school fight that I got caught for. In my defense… it was self-defense. Memorable line from the Principle “we punish all offenders equally here!” My mother “well that is the stupidest shit I have ever heard!” Love…
*2008 – You are released from service Airman. “OMG… OMG”
*The King and I – I was one of the Emperor’s children in a traveling Broadway production of The King and I in Memphis, TN. That was one of the greatest memories of my childhood.
*Boy Choir – I miss my voice. I was a soprano till I was 16 years old. I got made fun of, but I didn’t care. Now I sound like a mortician.
*HarsH ReaLiTy – “This online journal should be a fun and relaxing way of writing a diary…”
1. Things move faster when you yell the word “Fuck” at them. “Fucking move” works best obviously.
2. Because the word “motherfucker” has too many syllables in it and takes too long to say.
3. People have been telling me since the age of 6 not to use this word. Well fuck them!
4. The word “shit” lost its harshness years ago.
5. It still amazes me how a singular word can offend so many people just by its existence. I feel like all the Fucks in this world deserve my support now.
6. After I received my first farewell letter from a subscriber due to my language I knew I could never break up with the word Fuck ever again. Using it just makes my job easier.
7. I love words that have multiple uses.
8. I love this word when it is used as a verb.
9. I use the word “fuck” because it is part of my colloquial language and I won’t moderate my writing for anyone.
10. The last time I used the word “dammit” a pack of eager beavers appeared.
I am 34 years old. I don’t need your permission to use words. If you don’t like the words I choose to use read something else.
Here are some pieces of advice I have on sex and they are obviously mostly for men, but maybe some women can relate to them as well.
1. Men don’t be too quick to defend yourself. When she says “was that it?” Don’t immediately say “but baby that was 2 minutes and 35 seconds longer than last time…”
2. Men you may not want to watch the football game while having sex. If you just “happen” to sync your sexual activities with that of a two minute drill going on women WILL notice. And they don’t take too kindly to it when suddenly everyone is clapping right on queue.
3. If you throw the pillow case and ask for a timeout for a water break and then get distracted by a playoff game while downstairs don’t expect sex for another 4.3 weeks.
4. Using condiments and making things interesting is fine during sex up until a certain point. That point normally begins when you hear voices that say “Are you guys making dessert in there? I hear whipped cream… I want some!”
5. Guys if you get caught looking at the clock have an answer ready for when your woman asks “what are you looking at?” I normally pick the water glass that should be there by the bed because hydration is important, “I was making sure no one was putting anything in your drink.” When she says “…but we’re at home…” you then need to look frustrated and say “baby can we concentrate on our next moves?”
6. Getting caught having sex in public, like in a car at the park, stops being “cute” and “romantic” at a certain age. The walk of shame is a little worse when your 18 year old has to bail you out from prison and drive you home.
7. Have an answer ready for when women ask you those questions like “was it good for you baby?” I like to go overboard with my answer to stop any further conversation. “Yea baby! This Captain is sure happy! You rocked the boat!” If that one gets old you can change it up with something like “This warrior is sure glad he visited this village!”
8. Sometimes women say silly things they have either heard other people say or seen on movies. If a woman says “Baby it is so large” and you are pretty sure it isn’t… just smile and try not to roll your eyes.
9. Pretending you are a superhero makes sex better.
10. Guys don’t just roll off and run do other things. At least give her a high five before you go. That lets her know you care.
Disclaimer: HarsH ReaLiTy is not responsible for any outcome from having followed any of the above advice. We encourage caution while dealing with sensitive subjects such as these.
The Buffer Zone – Guys this isn’t just a punchline for movies. The buffer zone exists. If you walk into the bathroom and there are six empty urinals and only one person is peeing don’t go stand right next to that person. That is just awkward and unless you are about to ask me if you can help me shake it… just weird.
If you don’t wash your hands – I will normally only shoot you a “wow you are a disgusting creature” look, but here is the catch. If later that afternoon you come by my desk and offer me a cookie or a Cheetoe I will reserve the right to not only give you a crazy look, but ALSO to inform you why I will never, ever share food with you. Ever!
Whimpering in the stall – I always assume that if I hear whimpers or weird moans that you are just having a “hard time” with it. That is cool and all, but we are men right? Cowboy the hell up and keep that noise to a -1 volume. No one wants to hear you in there even if the door is closed.
Throwing up in the sink – I don’t understand why you are not throwing up in the toilet, but OK! Let’s just give you the benefit of the doubt that whatever you ate has got to come up immediately. CLEAN THE FREAKING SINK! Especially if you are at work, not even the janitors deserve to clean up that crap.
Saying “Hi” in the restroom – Hellos and Goodbyes should be kept to a minimal in the restroom. There is nothing that important that we need to speak about and frankly my mind is set on a different goal.
Talking to me while I pee – Are you honestly trying to make me uncomfortable? Are you waiting to see if I will switch toilets… because I will! This isn’t musical chairs either, stay your talkative ass over there.
Come on guys these rules aren’t that hard. Stop making the peaceful comforts of the bathroom vanish.
- The easiest way is to cross your fingers. This still counts… I don’t know what idiot told everyone this stops working when you are a kid. I use it all the time!
- It isn’t really a lie if there is an ounce of truth. Kind of like a pool of water that has a drop of holy water dropped in it is suddenly pure right? Makes sense. So just make sure you put “enough truth” to make it “good enough.” You don’t have to feel guilty about getting caught over “good enough” fellas.
- Don’t look her in the eyes. Anything said while not looking a woman in the eyes is questionable and this can be proven in current court records. It will work. Be firm men.
- If you kind of trail off at the end of sentences then “technically” more words “might” have been there. This counts as the “loose ends” rule of covering your ass. Use this only as a last resort and when we say “last resort” this is like backing out quickly with guns blazing “last resort.”
- If you say that a friend did it this will work, but only a couple times a year. If you are using this all the time it gets old and you deserve to get caught. “Aw honey I am sorry I was late… Bob got drunk and threw up everywhere. I had to follow and make sure he got home ok… I am such a good friend.” If you imagine a halo above your head I hear this sometimes actually occurs. If it does, Youtube that and share with all the other men in the world please.
- If you are late say you had to “find the right outfit.” No woman in the world should ever be able to contest this excuse from a man. Ever.
- You are allowed to use the excuse “I was saving a kitten from a burning building” once in your life. It helps to photoshop some stuff and maybe not look like the chess club president. That is just hard to believe…
- If you are frequently out late and can’t answer your phone and your girlfriend (this won’t work with a wife) asks why you can tell her you are a part-time super hero. I have told all the women in my life this and they all believed me. I am so cool.
- If a woman catches you in a lie, code-red alert backup plan Z is breaking down in tears and claiming someone died. You may want to pick someone believable since women have a nasty habit of remembering everything a man says. Everything. So if Uncle Bob is suddenly resurrected at the next family reunion you never thought “she” would make it till… well you better think of a way to resurrect yourself.
- Claiming you are allergic to dust and cleaning products works as an excuse out of housework. It will help to perhaps faint a few times and look really ill when in the supermarket cleaning aisle as well.
1. Audition and make it into a boy band. She will crawl across glass to have you back! Just make sure it is an actual boy band and not one of those creepy 50’s, “give it up already” bands.
2. Date her sister or mother. It will work.
3. Become a motherfucking sorcerer. Who needs women if you control the power of magic?
4. Date a girl/woman of a completely different race and also personality (preferably one you have never dated before). Post that shit ALL OVER social media with ALL SMILES. You will send your ex-girlfriend into epic levels of self-doubt.
5. Never, ever, EVER answer your ex’s phone calls. Wait a few months and if she is still calling answer once with a “who is this again?”
6. Create time lapse videos of you and your dog doing EVERYTHING you and your ex did together. Some cheesy music and maybe a few make out scenes will really make the videos memorable.
7. Do everything you told her you would not do with her and take tons of pictures doing it. Again, overshare on social media and know that she sees it. And she hates you.
8. Date a girl with the exact same name. No it won’t create a complex for you, but instead will irk the shit out of her every time she sees a new Facebook post with her name on it.
9. Immediately get married. The next week. That will show her!
10. Write a post on your blog saying “Oh Shit! I found out something horrible from the doctor today!” But never elaborate. She will definitely call you soon.
Men I thought it might be nice to give you all a quick guide to the anomaly called “the decorative item.” If you have a steady woman, live-in girlfriend, or wife you may have encountered these strange objects around the house and thought to yourself much like me “what the fuck are these for???” Make no mistakes, these items are not to be used . Ever. EVER! They are merely for the… what again? Because not even guest are supposed to use them.
I give you item A men, the decorative towel.
These specimens have been seen throughout the world and are invading bathrooms daily. What are they for? Don’t touch it! …god are you crazy? That was close. Just look. Now consider this, even if for some reason some intruder came in and I saved the day like the Korean Superman I am I still better not use that towel to clean my blood. That towel right there gentlemen… yes, it looks normal doesn’t it? We are all in agreement this is a normal towel? I don’t get it either… next they’ll invent decorative beers…
When she is sleeping. – “Psss baby. Are you awake? Your Mom’s birthday present slipped my mind today and is still in the car. I’ll mail it tomorrow, it will only be a few days late. You think that will be ok???”
When she is giving birth. – “Hey honey, I don’t mean to interrupt you, doing great by the way, but I forgot to tell you I filed taxes late and we are being audited for $5,000. Nothing you should be worrying about right now. Keep breathing remember, through the mouth and nose!”
Right before surgery. “You know babe before you go I forgot to mention I got fired, but I hated that job. So you pull through and we’ll pull through together champ!!! Can I borrow $5 by the way?”
Right after you lose big on the poker table. “So babe, how does our overdraft program work with our bank accounts again???”
Right before they open the cage with an angry bull ready to buck and you strapped on it. “So honey… About those rodeo belt buckles I own and brag about, I may not have technically “won” them… I’ve actually never done this before!!!
Right before the cops take you way. “My real name isn’t Harry Butts…”
- Dads can hear through walls.
- The toilet acts like a giant ear canal and helps me to hear everything in the house.
- Your father is a part-time ninja. I fight crime while you are sleeping.
- I see and know all. You might want to remember that in the future.
- I can hear the smallest thing break in this home.
- I am Superman’s Korean sidekick.
- I tracked you from when you got the cup in the kitchen, got water from the fridge and spilled some on the ground, noticed a lack of cleaning noise happening, and I heard you run up the stairs and trip on the fourth step. What is going on with that fourth step by the way?
- Your sister started crying.
- Go talk to mommy. Daddy is busy being busy.
Location: a dive bar (how the hell did we end up at a local dive bar??? Help!)
Time: Between the hand that is blurry and the blurry thing next to it.
Reason: Jason made us.
Angry: Who Picked This Fucking Place??? Where the hell are we? Is this… is this a fucking dive bar? Holy shit the name isn’t even capitalized. This IS a dive bar!!!
Peacemaker: Well we agreed the “tower” was getting a little stuffy. Allergies over there couldn’t handle it.
Sarcasm: Dude we are right around the corner from where we live. You know the red building next to Feella So Good Massage place? Duh…
Angry: I’m already uncomfortable enough without your flip guy. What the hell is this meeting for?
Drunk: Personally I love this place.
Jason: God I feel like I’m 20 again. Anyways, we were supposed to meet about our future blog plans.
Strategist: I knew that incident a couple months ago was going to hurt us. We dropped 200,000 ranks in Alexa!
Bored: God I thought you said we were getting a Lexus. I felt it move! Now I’m bored again… why didn’t we choose a strip club?
Korean Jesus: That just wouldn’t be right.
Jason: Sigh… who invited Korean Jesus THIS time???
Sarcasm: These meetings suck. I’m leaving.
1) I can walk to the park and start swinging my arms around and claim it is some form of martial arts when it isn’t and people will join in.
2) My eyes are so small I don’t really need shades. I buy them anyways because they make me look badass.
3) If I am ever lost in the woods I can create a fire with the chopsticks I always have with me.
4) I throw my hands at people like I am throwing a fireball and people actually get scared. Thank you Hollywood.
5) If someone has a problem with their cell phone I can normally take it, look at it for a few minutes, tell them they need a new one, and still look smart.
6) When people ask me math questions they believe me when I quickly say an answer, any answer, and hopefully they don’t realize it till they are down the hall.
7) If someone is about to approach me that I really don’t like I pull my cell phone out and start yelling “what sounds like Korean.” I don’t personally speak Korean, but no one wants to bother an angry Korean man.
8) I can drink anyone under the table in shots of Soju.
9) We look really young until the day we grow old. On that day we are as old as we are going to be till we die…
- -Do your parents speak English? No, they kind of wave their arms around and point at things while grunting.
- So do you like eat rice every day? So do you like eat fat every day?
- When did you come to this country? How do you know I wasn’t born here?
- Do you eat Asian food? While assuming we eat every type of Asian food you can think of IS annoying… also asking us obvious questions such as this one is pretty lame as well.
- Is that your dad? (points at random Asian man) No, is that your dad? (points at the first person he sees… man or woman.)
- Do you celebrate Chinese New Year’s? Do I look Chinese? Wait… don’t answer that. I SAID DON’T ANSWER THAT!
- Could you suggest a good Asian restaurant to go to? Sure, try The Drunken Chinese Chopstick Eating Dragon Wonton. I hear it is excellent!
- Go back to your country! If I did that who would do your math homework?
- What is the easiest Asian language to take for college credit… I just want to pass! Chinese is so easy and takes little effort. Go and be a star!
- Can you show me real quick how to use these chopsticks? How about I show you how to use a fork instead… deal?
1. The Justice League finally accepts me as a member.
2. North Korea kidnaps me. And then makes me Emperor.
3. WordPress makes me a member of their Freshly Pressed staff. Wait… never mind.
4. That really isn’t a moon up there.
5. The Broncos accept me on as Peyton Manning’s backup.
6. People find out who I really am.
7. My robotic arms stop working.
8. My cell phone becomes allergic to the toilet.
9. People find out I am really a woman.
10. I remember the password to my StarCraft account.
1. Stalk them online for months until you know everything about them. Then one day drop the bomb. Comment on their post, but tie everything in that they have ever said for the past year into one paragraph. You will impress the shit out of them… or scare the living shit out of them. Who wouldn’t love that?
2. Ask for help every day on every post. People LOVE to be helpful. It works seriously.
3. Naked photo of self or hotter self.
4. Pretend to be a little younger than you are and if you are really old a lot younger than you are.
5. Don’t tell people you have kids. I torture my readers with pictures of my kids all the time only because I am mean as hell.
6. Steal pictures off the internet of new locations so it looks like you travel the world every day. Be sure and include a new car, bottles of champagne, and hot women of course.
7. Pretend to be dying.
8. Battle a shark, youtube it, and lose.
9. Write offensive material that no one should give a shit about, but they probably all will.
10. Just tell us about your day. No one else is living that day but you so someone will find it interesting.
1. I absolutely hate when bloggers use the word “hiatus.” The first time I saw this word used so often I thought it was some remote country I hadn’t heard of. “I’ve been on a hiatus” is said so often I thought to myself “man… where the hell is this Hiatus place at? Everyone goes there!” In all honesty people unless you are a celebrity no one cares why you haven’t been blogging. The few people that are interested were probably with you on your “break” so they also don’t actually care about you not posting.
2. Creating titles for yourself to impress the world is annoying as shit. We get it… you really want to be important and created yourself an “Editor in Chief” or “CEO of FakeCorporation.com” to stroke that ego. If I were a job recruiter and I read your resume and saw a “fake entry” like that I would call you out on it. Not only that, but I would make you feel incredibly stupid for pumping yourself up.
3. Bloggers are all here for their own reasons. Some are here to share, some are here to promote, and some are just “finding their way.” I don’t understand why some bloggers make a habit of visiting blog posts where an individual is celebrating hitting a view or follower goal and bashing them for being happy. It happens all the time and it honestly shows what a shitty blogger you are if the only self-esteem boost you find daily is making others feel bad. If you aren’t here for numbers, views, or subscribers that is perfectly ok, but don’t make people feel bad for chasing their dreams. It just makes you look like a bitch.
4. We all have causes we want to trumpet and push towards the public eye. I get that and I do the same thing here. This doesn’t mean that you have to accept and carry every banner you can find because society tells you that you should care. I wonder sometimes how much true conviction people have when they cry bloody murder over almost every incident that hits social media. Pick your battles people.
5. People that present differing opinions are NOT trolls. If a blogger takes issue with your post and decides to respond to you and your twenty friends that are chirping in agreement, that simply means that person cared. It doesn’t make them a troll unless they cross a line and are commenting just to comment. I think many people label any disagreement as trolling and that is sad. That is a pathetic way of viewing blogging.
6. We have all gotten into social media spats. People really need to know and recognize who they are going to war with though. If you decide to reblog or post an attack on a blogger with a thousand times your subscriber number you deserve the attention you get. Honestly people… size up the enemy first. Use some fucking common sense.
7. Stop complaining about lack of views, spammers, fake follows, and the negative sides of blogging if you claim to “only be here for fun.” It starts to sound like you care a little more than just about the fun and we would hate for you to be labeled a hypocrite right? If you publish online for “fun” then that is great and I applaud you for that. It is annoying as shit though to see a blogger claim these things and then all you read is rant after rant about lack of views, how WordPress sucks, and how there are no real readers out there. How is that “not caring” going for you pumpkin?
8. Stop creating a new blog every month. Your last blog didn’t fail because of content or a bad Blog Title. It failed because you were lazy and didn’t go out to find yourself some readers. That is the simple truth. Your “new and remade blog” is going to fail too if you didn’t also remake your blogging habits.
9. It is annoying as shit to require your audience to make accounts to a new website to comment. Turn that moderation crap off or stop wondering why people aren’t commenting. No one has time for that and most people that get that “pop up window” asking for you to create an account click the X and say “fuck it.”
10. The last one is a personal one. I really love how it has become trendy to say “I unfollowed Opinionated Man a long time ago!” Like my website is the equivalent of Facebook or something. As flattering as that is to consider it really is just annoying as shit. It is also amazing how many people feel a need to type that statement.
Why not right? I have already been called a dumbass and an asshole this week, so I might as well have some fashion bloggers tell me how stupid I am to top it off! Here is my take on current fashion.
I am not fashionable. I was once… when bouncers were letting me skip everyone in line. It doesn’t take much, just move to Knoxville and be the only Asian guy that cares to befriend bouncers. They will remember you (there aren’t a lot of Asians in Knoxville if you didn’t know).
When I was into style and my clothes, back before the shackles of marriage, I would normally wear either Polo, Structure (before they changed their name), and Banana Republic. I am sure you can now label me pretty easily.
I take my family to the mall a lot. The girls like to walk around, I people watch, and my wife will do some shopping. I will normally play that game where you try to avoid any and all human contact… all the while also trying to appear “normal.” I get to observe a lot of fashion trends because of this and of course I have an opinion.
My wife has tried to explain how the whole “certain colors for certain seasons” works. I think I get it. Women wear colors that complement the season as some sort of “ninja vanish” trick so they can get close enough to stab you. At least I think that is what is going on. Also I learned shoes have to match. Just because the shoes are “dirty” doesn’t classify them as brown.
There are many trends I don’t understand. Why do “younger mothers” wear the same clothes as their older daughters? Is there some type of discount at gap if you get the same outfit in two sizes? I think it is awkward if you can’t tell a mother apart from her daughter… but I guess some people think that is “hot?” If you aren’t near the age of Forever 21, should you be shopping there? It does say “forever” though doesn’t it?
Why do women buy clothes just to hang them in their closet? I wonder how many women here have clothes with price tags STILL on them. I do not get this at all. Please, someone explain it to me! Also… women you realize that malls always have a “sale” going on right? Husbands are you still falling for this trick? “Honey there is a SALE going on!!!” I worked retail… there is always a sale. We kind of just moved those stickers around…
Maybe this is a Colorado thing, but I seem to only see two outfits on males here. A Broncos jersey (GO PEYTON!) or this new “BMX Biker” look. I suppose this isn’t really a “new look,” but it is to me! Everywhere I glance there are “X Gamers” walking around and I am half tempted to start asking for autographs.
Asians that wear “really” Asian clothing in public. Just stop! Please!!!
I am from the South and the topic of choice for the longest time was sagging jeans. I personally like my comfort and my jeans are definitely not up to my neck… but if I can see your ass then that is just wrong. Pull that shit up. You aren’t running from any dogs, cops, or women with knives with your jeans like that you know.
At a certain point “parents” have to retire those college T-shirts we love soooo much. I enjoy seeing a father and a mother walking in the mall with their kids, until I see that their shirts say “I’m with Stupid” and “Freshman Forever!!!” At some point people have to grow up…
I really hate the mall because of those kiosks that now rule the “center aisle.” Those people that man those stations are bulldogs. I almost had an Italian woman chase me down with lotion that I needed to “fix my face.” OUCH! Lmao…
- You have 99 cats and get offended when people call you “the cat lady.” 99 cats!!!
- You have pictures of guys all over your wall and in your room and none of them are the same race. Either you have the most racially diverse family in the history of racially diverse families… or you just scared me away. What flavor are you missing?
- You forget my name. How the hell do you forget my name? Men write it on our hands.
- The amount you like me seems to equal the amount of alcohol you drink. Sadly the reverse is also true.
- We met at the club… ten years ago. And you still go to the club every weekend.
- You like strip clubs more than I do.
- You chew tobacco. I don’t care what word you throw at me, (feminism) women chewing tobacco is not attractive.
- You hate every other woman alive. OK, we get it, women generally dislike other women. That is cool, I am not exactly the biggest cheerleader of other males, but at the same time we really get tired of the type of woman who ONLY rants on other women. “Oh God… look at her shoes!” “What color is she wearing… in this season???” Just shoot me…
- You like men… but all your feminist friends hate us. I get that some women have friends that follow “trends” they don’t necessarily feel connected to. There is a very good chance that a man will leave you though if every time he comes to pick you up he has to wait in the same room as the “we hate men committee” on Saturday nights.
- Everything we say is wrong. And I mean everything. I have run into men that are dating women that literally tell them they are wrong on each and every subject they dare mention. I often wonder, sometimes aloud, why they are with those types of women.
1. Walk up to a random Asian in a lobby with food and ask if that is your order.
2. When we roll out for gang vengeance you give everyone guns. You then hand me a pair of throwing stars with a look of confidence.
3. You keep calling me Japanese. I am Korean…
4. You imply I came to this country by boat when I actually swam.
5. Every year you invite me to the “Chinese New Years Festival” in town. For the last time! I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THE CHINESE NEW YEARS!!!
6. You spend the first five minutes of every meal attempting to use chopsticks and succeeding in sending rice flying everywhere before you give up.
7. Don’t assume you know our age. “When I was your age” has been said to me countless times only to find out I am older than that fucking person.
8. Our skin is just smooth. Don’t ask me what “products” I use. Normally I bath in unicorn blood.
9. I don’t know why my eyes are so small. I call them natural shades. Did God scare you and that is why your eyes are so wide?
10. Don’t ask me what martial arts I know. Just assume I know them all.
“I really enjoyed your article! I wrote a “somewhat” similar post which you can find at http://ThisPostHasNothingAtAllToDoWithYours.com. Thanks again for blogging almost as good as me.”
Basically this is link dropping. The person hasn’t really read your post, perhaps the first sentence only. They just want to try and steal a little of your limelight while your post is currently at the top of other people’s Readers.
Any commenter that begins their comment with the word “yet” is about to say some complete horse shit. It might smell good, but it will still be horse shit. Yet they will still say it because they must.
“God said ____”
The Jesus freaks will flay you with these sentences and they follow the scent of blood. Much like any other predator. Be wary of the sentence that begins with “God said ____” because it will normally be followed by a direct quote from the bible… that you could have read by just reading the bible…
“Your SEO is off in a few areas.”
Any SEO marketer that starts the conversation with these words isn’t worth a dime. Don’t pay these people money for worthless lessons on traffic management through blogging and online media. Stop fueling this insane industry people! I share for free my views on blogging HERE. Feel free to read them for no money asked.
“I had a friend once who ___”
The commenter found your post likeable and is about to search desperately for some way to further connect with your words by creating an unrelatable relation to your story. These are always long drawn out back and forth commenting joust sessions that general end with awkward “good byes.”
“Hi I am (insert nationality here) too! Nice to meet you, let’s be BBFFL!” (That is Best Blogging Friends For Life in case you didn’t know)
I generally tell these people to pump the brakes and don’t touch me. People really need to find online cultural dating sites…
“I am glad you are excited about your follower count BUT write for you! Don’t take away from your writing by caring about silly numbers!”
This is said by bloggers that have nothing better to do than to find other bloggers happy about their accomplishments and attempting to bring them down. They don’t see value in their own stats so they don’t want you to either. These bloggers are sad because they claim to care only about writing and yet spend their time commenting on the very articles they claim to not care about.
You think all men are pigs. Well show me a pig that can pick out a Hallmark card, pay for it, sign it, and buy chocolate without eating it and I will agree with you! Otherwise… you are just picky and alone.
You measure men against characters from movies. Look we get it, those men in TV shows and popular movies are suave and slick as hell. They also had twenty men AND women write their lines for them. If I had a committee that filtered every word before it came out of my mouth I might just be perfect as well.
You keep trying to meet guys at the club. I will never understand why women choose to get involved with men that are obviously “players” and then get shocked and upset when they get cheated on. You know who won’t cheat on you? The chess club president that is who. I don’t think a chess club president has ever cheated on a girlfriend in the history of chess!
You hated every boyfriend in the past… and you tell every new boyfriend about it. Yes, unfortunately there are some assholes in the world and you just might have dated some of them! I didn’t come on this date to hear about Richard, Bobby, and Joey ok? If you are alone and you have the habit of ranting about Ex-BFs… maybe a time of self-reflection is required.
You look like a runway model every day. This one might be confusing because what guy wouldn’t want to date a model? Sounds like a lot of drama, I mean fun, but I do feel the need to clarify to women that if you step out of your door every day looking like a fashion model… most “average guys” won’t dare to speak to you. All we see is dollar signs walking around in high heels that none of us can afford to buy you.
You hate flowers, you hate chocolate, and you hate bunnies and you hate… If you hate “everything” or are the type that says you “hate everything” I just won’t try. Why waste my time and money? YOU HATE EVERYTHING!
You LOVE Valentine’s Day. Bahumbug… I hate this holiday. I think many men do too, which is why in the Guycode Book it states “that unless you are married or in a serious relationship you should break all non-important social agreements till after gift buying season is over.” See page 69.
- I don’t recycle. I just don’t… and I really could care less about the animals in the ocean. In fact it might be safer without them.
- People handing out advertisements or Girl Scout Cookies will sometimes receive what they think is “Korean” back. I actually don’t speak Korean… but it has sounded believable for 20 years.
- Sometimes I pretend to be asleep so people will go away. It is amazing how quickly a person will become bored with you if you are audibly snoring.
- I don’t move over for bikers of any kind and I don’t consider your oversized toy a car. This will probably never change.
- If you ask me my nationality I will many times tell you a random Asian country. It is because I am an asshole.
- I mumble a lot and then play it off by staring into space. When you stare into space people get uncomfortable and generally leave you alone…
- I will purposefully stop traffic to give to a homeless person if I see tons of cars pass them. Yes this is “reactive charity” but it is also the point of being bothered by the coldness of society.
- I don’t speak Spanish and never plan to. I also don’t think a person should have to speak Spanish to live in America. If everyone isn’t required to speak Korean (which wouldn’t make a bad law) then there should be no similar requirement for ANY language other than English in this great nation.
- I never say “Bless You” when someone sneezes. The silence is sometimes audible after such an occurrence… as if god is waiting for me to say it. I will, however, sometimes say “Devil Be Gone” and splash fake holy water on them.
- I don’t do “ice breakers.” To me an ice breaker is a single glass of Macallan 25 and ZERO human contact.
We have all been in these situations and judging from my previous post on hugging I can see the world could use some of my advice on what to do if someone tries to hug you! It is true, it happens and it needs to stop. The spreading of germs and unwanted affection is prevalent in today’s society and the forcing of physical interaction back is appalling. Here is what I do in these situations.
My immediate reaction, as I told one commenter today, to being unexpectedly hugged is to put my left arm in front of my chest for protection while stepping back into my attacker. I then ninja flip them and follow up with a one, two spider kick. Now I realize not everyone has been to the Super Hero Academy in Huntsville, Alabama. That’s ok because not everyone is cut out for that life, but anyone can do a spider kick.
If I face a frontal attack from an incredibly eager hugger I will sometimes shout out “Mommy I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it Mommy!” The reactions vary… but generally they pretend like they were rushing to hug someone else and they never speak to me again…
Sometimes co-workers (women) will attack you as a group and will try to “group hug” you. Obviously you don’t want to turn them in to the proper authorities, snitches never last long in prison, and a combo move isn’t appropriate either. I suggest farting if you don’t care for anymore future human interaction. Ever again. But at least it will work right?
I have found that eating certain foods helps to keep people away so I make a special lunch each day. Nothing says “don’t hug me” like a garlic, kimchi, curry, fish, and egg sandwich.
If things get drastic and you are continuously ambushed by the same person at work or family gatherings you can always wear a neck brace. I would point at it a lot too… a story might help.
Lastly there are certain situations where it is almost impossible to get out of hugs. Like at church or when relatives show up. Where there is a will there is a way, and where there is a child there is a shield. This is called the deflective method. “Oh Aunt Helga! … have you seen little Johnny lately?!?”
1. Women are always saying “get in touch with yourself and get in touch with your feelings.” I believe watching porn accomplishes both of those feats in one blow.
2. Men don’t talk about sexual positions much, except for that ONE FRIEND that acts like the God of All Men and won’t shut the hell up about all his “conquests.” If you are that guy take a hint finally, SHUT THE HELL UP! Because men don’t want to show a “lack of knowledge in certain areas” we turn to porn to learn what we don’t know, and to raise our expectations to a surreal level. Show me a guy that will go to the customer service desk at Barnes and Noble and ask “excuse me can you point me to the books on sexual advice?” I give you ten to one odds you get laughed at if the worker is a male.
3. Because books and pictures lie. Porn is as real as World Wrestling Entertainment.
4. It was an accident. I meant to type in Google.
5. You can get in LESS trouble watching porn than with a Facebook account.
6. Because porn will never break up or dump you. It is always loyal and always there.
7. We watch it for the plot just like we read Playboys for the articles.