Nine Reasons being Asian is Awesome

1) I can walk to the park and start swinging my arms around and claim it is some form of martial arts when it isn’t and people will join in.

2) My eyes are so small I don’t really need shades. I buy them anyways because they make me look badass.

3) If I am ever lost in the woods I can create a fire with the chopsticks I always have with me.

4) I throw my hands at people like I am throwing a fireball and people actually get scared. Thank you Hollywood.

5) If someone has a problem with their cell phone I can normally take it, look at it for a few minutes, tell them they need a new one, and still look smart.

6) When people ask me math questions they believe me when I quickly say an answer, any answer, and hopefully they don’t realize it till they are down the hall.

7) If someone is about to approach me that I really don’t like I pull my cell phone out and start yelling “what sounds like Korean.” I don’t personally speak Korean, but no one wants to bother an angry Korean man.

8) I can drink anyone under the table in shots of Soju.

9) We look really young until the day we grow old. On that day we are as old as we are going to be till we die…



The Percentage Post Pt.1

I know everyone hates generalizations so I was really happy when I came across this article in the International Society of Percentage Purists. I had no clue there was such a group! All percentages, facts, and direct quotes can be credited to the ISPP for this article. Thanks ISPP!

  1. Scientists are now 90% sure that extraterrestrial life exists. They are also 90% sure that E.T. is on his way here. I found a new percentage that 90% of the scientists in this field actually think aliens might already be here. It is amazing how many 90%s one can find in one article.
  2. Males are losing their intelligence on average at a 2.5% depreciation rate annually. This is “OK” if you ask me because it is nature’s way of weeding out the less intelligent. Natural selection is a bitch.
  3. When going to a new destination I get lost 75% of the time. I ask for help 0% of the time. I need 0% interaction from the wife during these troubling times.
  4. To the fake soldiers and fake veterans, yes they exist. 50% of the “war heroes” you meet probably did far less then they say. This is not to say there aren’t real kick ass soldiers out there. I myself served but never heard a shot fired in anger during my time in. I did however rescue those captured marines in that village armed with only a knife and a composite bow. Any similarity to the movie Rambo is mere coincidence.
  5. Condoms work 99% of the time. I find it amazing that there is only a 1% accident rate when we know for a fact that more than 1% of the world’s population is stupid. That actually makes condoms pretty freaking awesome.
  6. I believe 93% of the mountains I have seen in my life are fake. They never moved and I never seemed to get closer to them.
  7. Women will argue with 50% of the things men say and have a 13% laziness factor when it comes to vigilance in this matter. Men will WANT to argue with 99.9% of the things women say, but our 99.9% laziness factor in relationships is a real burden on our motivation.
  8. 78.3% of the blog posts you read will be bullshit. They will still be more interesting than real news most of the time.
  9. People that meet Asians guess the wrong nationality 145% of the time. The reason it is over 100% is because you ALL carry the leftover points from the moron that asked me which boat I came on. I flew here asshole!
  10. I will offend 100% of the people I meet at least once in my life. If you honestly think you have never offended those close to you I hate to be there when the lawyer shows up with those “unexpected” papers. “Honey what happened to us???”


Memories 1, 2, 3…

*Marlboro lights – You remind me of Mary. I miss her dearly. She was a great friend, a confidant, a shining light in my life during a time I needed some light. Taken too soon from us, you will be missed.

*Kids on bikes – I am reminded of when I was younger and still living in Jackson Mississippi. I had a small dirt bike, a hand me down from my brother, and all my friends had nice new “multiple speed” bikes that were just coming out. Needless to say I lost every race. I recall often times throwing my bike into a dirt ditch in frustration.

*Dirt ditches – Anytime I see a street or neighborhood without a sidewalk I am reminded of Jackson, MS. Many of the neighborhoods in Jackson don’t have sidewalks and I get a familiar tingle when I see the same thing in other cities. Ever felt like you were walking down a memory?

*Throwing Stars and nunchucks – I get a vivid memory when I think or see these words. It reminds me of Knoxville, TN. My Asian friends (and the token white dude) were in the parking lot of one of the dorms on campus hanging out. My Filipino friend decided to show us his nunchuck skills. I will say here that he was pretty good. To this day I do not recall any glances of fear or alarm from those passing by, but someone obviously called the cops. A cop car screeched into the parking lot and two white sheriffs stepped out with guns drawn. “Get your hands up and drop the weapon!” We looked at each other in confusion, but of course complied. After making sure we were not a threat, we were left with one last memorable statement. “You boys don’t have any throwing stars or knives do you?” Nice…

*Captain Morgan – Cigarette thrown, angry Korean, guy gets a bloody nose, more rum.

*Wendy’s after midnight – Knoxville, TN we pulled up and ordered almost everything on the menu. As we got to the window we decided it was an appropriate time to spark up. The lady at the window looks over her shoulder for her manager and then says “give me a hit and the food is free.” Win!

*Seattle Washington and stupid buses – So I arrived in Seattle in the summer of the 2000 for the motherland tour to Korea which I write about in my adoption story. I arrived a day earlier so the other people going on the trip were not yet there. One girl was and she invited me to go downtown to the mall to meet some of her friends she had not seen in some time since she was not from Seattle. I agreed and we saw a bit of Seattle and I quickly fell in love with the city. When it was time to go she decided to hang around and I told her I was fine getting a bus back to the airport hotel we were staying at. The problem was that at the age of 18 I had never actually ridden a city bus before. I figured it would be as simple as walking to the opposite side of the street and getting a bus going the opposite direction. How was I to know, I was from Memphis, TN where you don’t ride a bus unless you have to… ever. Needless to say I did not get to my destination and I was forced to ask a police officer, like the orphan that I was, how to get to the airport. Embarrassment

*Scottsdale, AZ – One of the few memories I have of my father and I spending time together. I don’t begrudge him, he  is my role model when it comes to providing for a family. He was always busy, but as a chief physician and a teacher at medical schools that shouldn’t be unexpected. It is to a kid though. Scottsdale was beautiful and my father was giving a talk at a place called the Phoenician, which was a Ritz. It was my first Ritz… I will remember forever the mother of pearl swimming pool there. Amazing

*San Antonio, TX – Basic training. Getting a post card 3 weeks in from my family on an Alaskan family reunion cruise. Miserable

*Cracker Barrel – This place is really white and even though I am with white parents I never belonged there. One of the few restaurants I have ever felt that way. I don’t go there anymore.

*The 3 – My two friends and I as kids were the 3 forwards on our soccer team and we kicked some 10 year old ass back in the day. Those fools never knew what hit them…

*The Year Off – My transition from junior high to High School was funny because the inner city schools in Memphis, TN have never had strong soccer teams. When my friends and I entered into the “system” many city soccer coaches took notice because there was literally a “team” of us in the same 2 grades. I remember as we were getting ready to enter High School that I met my future coach, a real pompous braggart that was one of those soccer coaches that dresses as if he is a player too… give it up. He would even try to show us techniques, which was amusing considering most of us played competitive soccer since the school soccer was really just amusing to us. That was the year I “took a year off from soccer” to play golf. The High School coach was not pleased, he wanted us all on his new “super team.” Tough shit Sherlock, I don’t regret it to this day asshole.

*Pre-AP English – “You won’t ever be a good writer. Many people aren’t great at writing, try something new.” So motivating…

*AP English – “Mom I got a 4 on the AP English exam! Can I go shove it in Mrs. ___ #@$%#@%@#$ face?”

*12th grade Art class – My first in school fight that I got caught for. In my defense… it was self-defense. Memorable line from the Principle “we punish all offenders equally here!” My mother “well that is the stupidest shit I have ever heard!” Love…

*2008 – You are released from service Airman. “OMG… OMG”

*The King and I – I was one of the Emperor’s children in a traveling Broadway production of The King and I in Memphis, TN. That was one of the greatest memories of my childhood.

*Boy Choir – I miss my voice. I was a soprano till I was 16 years old. I got made fun of, but I didn’t care. Now I sound like a mortician.

*HarsH ReaLiTy – “This online journal should be a fun and relaxing way of writing a diary…”

My Opinion on Fashion – Part 1

Why not right? I have already been called a dumbass and an asshole this week, so I might as well have some fashion bloggers tell me how stupid I am to top it off! Here is my take on current fashion.

I am not fashionable. I was once… when bouncers were letting me skip everyone in line. It doesn’t take much, just move to Knoxville and be the only Asian guy that cares to befriend bouncers. They will remember you (there aren’t a lot of Asians in Knoxville if you didn’t know).

When I was into style and my clothes, back before the shackles of marriage, I would normally wear either Polo, Structure (before they changed their name), and Banana Republic. I am sure you can now label me pretty easily.

I take my family to the mall a lot. The girls like to walk around, I people watch, and my wife will do some shopping. I will normally play that game where you try to avoid any and all human contact… all the while also trying to appear “normal.” I get to observe a lot of fashion trends because of this and of course I have an opinion.

My wife has tried to explain how the whole “certain colors for certain seasons” works. I think I get it. Women wear colors that complement the season as some sort of “ninja vanish” trick so they can get close enough to stab you. At least I think that is what is going on. Also I learned shoes have to match. Just because the shoes are “dirty” doesn’t classify them as brown.

There are many trends I don’t understand. Why do “younger mothers” wear the same clothes as their older daughters? Is there some type of discount at gap if you get the same outfit in two sizes? I think it is awkward if you can’t tell a mother apart from her daughter… but I guess some people think that is “hot?” If you aren’t near the age of Forever 21, should you be shopping there? It does say “forever” though doesn’t it?

Why do women buy clothes just to hang them in their closet? I wonder how many women here have clothes with price tags STILL on them. I do not get this at all. Please, someone explain it to me! Also… women you realize that malls always have a “sale” going on right? Husbands are you still falling for this trick? “Honey there is a SALE going on!!!” I worked retail… there is always a sale. We kind of just moved those stickers around…

Maybe this is a Colorado thing, but I seem to only see two outfits on males here. A Broncos jersey (GO PEYTON!) or this new “BMX Biker” look. I suppose this isn’t really a “new look,” but it is to me! Everywhere I glance there are “X Gamers” walking around and I am half tempted to start asking for autographs.

Asians that wear “really” Asian clothing in public. Just stop! Please!!!

I am from the South and the topic of choice for the longest time was sagging jeans. I personally like my comfort and my jeans are definitely not up to my neck… but if I can see your ass then that is just wrong. Pull that shit up. You aren’t running from any dogs, cops, or women with knives with your jeans like that you know.

At a certain point “parents” have to retire those college T-shirts we love soooo much. I enjoy seeing a father and a mother walking in the mall with their kids, until I see that their shirts say “I’m with Stupid” and “Freshman Forever!!!” At some point people have to grow up…

I really hate the mall because of those kiosks that now rule the “center aisle.” Those people that man those stations are bulldogs. I almost had an Italian woman chase me down with lotion that I needed to “fix my face.” OUCH! Lmao…


Prompts: Why I Write

Because every time I draw something people say “Your four year old is really talented!”

Because the last time I went downtown and started to mime people called the men in the white jackets…

Because the last time I tried to juggle fire we actually got to witness how long it took the fire department to arrive. That was almost as depressing as the burning home.

Because I found out I actually can’t dodge bullets.

Because talking requires more muscles.

Because people say I sound like a funeral home director when I speak.

Because everything I cook tastes the same. Everything…

Because I can’t claim cleaning as a talent.

Because the last time I grabbed a fake microphone and stepped in front of a live reporter the police came and no one understood I was just following a dream.

Because I finally found out you have to actually be born in America to be President…

-Opinionated Man

For Males Only – 10 Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas

Every year I try to cater to my few male followers and write an opinionated article for Valentine’s day. This is a long standing tradition running a year now. I couldn’t think of anything witty to write this year other than my previous post “Why you are alone on Valentine’s Day” so I decided I would write a list of gift ideas. Take what value you can from it guys, it has served me well.

  1. Buy her a tree. You can decide what type of tree or what size, generally a smaller tree will work, but I never understood why men get caught in this monotonous routine of buying rose after rose. What ends up happening is you will get the same smile and the SAME sex. Get her a tree and sparks are going to fly. Trust me. You can even plant it, but trying to pass off a tree that was previously there is really going to depend on how much she drinks.
  2. Guys if something is wrong with you and you actually like buying women’s clothing then at least do it properly. Figure out what size she wears, clothing has this thing called a tag inside that has numbers on it. You write the numbers down and ask the nice fake smiling lady behind the counter where the so and so is. If you find yourself embarrassed trying to say what you are looking for, describing is acceptable merely by pointing at the different regions of your body, but please abstain from pointing overly at your groin area. This can cause possible law suits or police intervention. Also, to the fathers out there, bring those kids shopping! I don’t know what these “other dudes” are talking about, but kids are CHICK MAGNETS!
  3. I feel a second gift advice is needed for clothing. If you are feeling Indiana Jones adventurous and actually buy your woman a shirt or dress buy a size down at least! Every guy that has been dragged through a mall by a woman, I read recently some Asian guy during Christmas Season literally threw himself off the balcony at the mall because his wife wouldn’t stop shopping, knows that different brands mean that the sizes can technically also be different. Even if the number is the same! Hedge your bet, buy a size or two down and keep the receipt. If she gets mad, which by the way her fury over this will be miniscule compared to her RAGE over you buying a size UP, then you just take it back and try to look puppy dog sorry.
  4. Buying chocolate is a horrible idea and what if you “accidently” get a low-fat chocolate bar. God, Your Life Is Over… and please Youtube that Shit! If you insist on buying her candy get her gum. I never saw a woman that complained about getting a stick of gum. Big League Chew is also a good option.
  5. I think that if you are Korean you might consider inventing a riding vacuum cleaner. I do a lot of vacuuming myself and I think a riding vacuum cleaner would kick ass. Especially if it had a drink holder.
  6. A Man-Shaped Punching Bag – Now this might exist. I am far too lazy to check for this, but I think inventing, making, or finding and buying a man-shaped punching bag would be epic! I do caution that if you decide to surprise her with it and hang it in the garage… actually that is a bad idea. And if it is a girlfriend she is probably going to dump you for being a creep.
  7. The “Show me only what I want to see” Camera – If you can make this next Japan please consider inventing a camera that only takes pictures of what women “perceive” they see. And not actually “what” they see. This is for all us husbands that must sit through picture sorting sessions. I hear North Korea uses a similar practice for torture.
  8. Happy Liquor – I wish they could invent a liquor that ONLY makes women happy. No sadness, depression, melt downs, or thrown boxes of Valentine’s day chocolate. Just Happy… [plays Pharrell’s new song HAPPY]
  9. Stress balls that resemble a pair of men’s… jewels. This might seem like an odd or pornographic idea, but think about what a win-win it is men. They get to squeeze something of value in more ways than one and you in turn get to watch those stress lines disappear. You know the ones that appear around the eyes right before “tiger mode.”
  10. A mood ring that works. I think this would also serve as an “emergency response signal” to forewarn us of inclement weather in the near future.
  11. 1,350 Books. This is a great idea for those of us that have multiple sports seasons we love and must watch. If you are married to or dating a book lover get an endless amount of books for them so they won’t hog the television with their awesome channel selections. Trust me, it will work.

Well that will about do it. I am going to just say that the writer of this article, me, takes no responsibility for advice taken or badly followed. Best of luck men in the battle to come. Go Joe!

-Opinionated Man