10 Things I would Do As President

This is hypothetical since I was not born in America… but this is what I would do.

  1. I would pay for and “forgive” the SCHOOL DEBT of all tax paying citizens. There you go Middle Class, problem solved.
  2. I would buy out and stop the forming of medical insurance companies. I would form my own hospitals, pay doctors and nurses better, and insure higher standards. We are the Greatest Nation in the World… there are reasons we can’t fully get behind this healthcare. I hate Obamacare, but if you want Government Regulated Healthcare then give it to EVERYONE! Get a clue, I’ll pay for that shit.
  3. I would kill Kim Jong Un. Judge me all you want. That would be one less evil, fat BOY KING on this planet.
  4. I would build the Death Star. We recently submitted a potetition through the government website and there was a VERY FUNNY response written. You can read it here. https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/response/isnt-petition-response-youre-looking
  5. Legalize Online Poker. Not for me… necessarily… don’t leave me wife!!!
  6. Legalize and push forward with stem cell and clone research in a controlled fashion. But hurry up. There are diseases we could be curing and god wouldn’t have given us the ability if he didn’t want us to use it. This doesn’t mean start creating two headed humans for fun, but why not cure Alzheimer’s and possibly Cancer. Artificial limb research as well could use these advances. My grandmother has Alzheimer’s and I know they are trying hard for a cure. I believe they should already have one.
  7. Legalize the selling of marijuana across the United States. I live in Colorado and guess what people? NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I don’t see wrecks at every intersection or people blowing smoke in kid’s faces. Grow up and get with the time, Colorado is about to take in close to 125 million in tax money for the year. What could that money go to? We just want to sit by god. Don’t hate us, we need it for poetry. Some of us need it for our crohn’s.
  8. Bring back Tupac. I know you know where he is.
  9. Ban Male Sex enhancement commercials during all hours of the day. That shit is annoying!
  10. Make Father’s Day once a Month…


Why I Don’t Need Feminism and Why Women Probably Do

I don’t need feminism because feminism obviously doesn’t need me. I was blacklisted apparently… all I did was show up with a plate of snickers… for hunger… because hunger makes you… Never mind.

I don’t need feminism because I am pretty aware of what I do and don’t have in life. I don’t need another group showing me one more thing to be unhappy about… or are you also handing out guns with a single bullet too?

I think women probably need feminism because if they don’t have something to complain about they begin to age strangely. It puts them off center. Women that are constantly arguing are far more beautiful to behold… some might even say exotic.

I think women need feminism because they finally realized those other “parties” they are forced to go to really are boring as hell. Tupperware party women? Really???… I would need feminism after one of those parties.

I think women need feminism because they have run out of ways to bond with their daughters. They decided “women’s rights” was a safe bet and decided to run with it. The aggressive side of feminism was simply a pleasant bonus of it all.

I don’t need feminism because I won’t feel guilty for what I haven’t done and what I don’t have. Entitlement? Some… but it wasn’t due to having a penis ladies. Sorry. Hardship? Had it and I saw far more “rides” being given to the ladies along the way. Get real.

I don’t need feminism because I don’t need to see your boobs. I only need to see my wife’s and possibly a strippers if I really feel the need. People have to go to medical school you know.

I don’t need feminism because I don’t need to see another lame movement. Can we all just accept the fact that everyone in society is out for themselves and start rowing our own damn boats for a change?

-Opinionated Man

10 Shows I Hate!

  1. The Biggest Loser – I really can’t stand this show. I don’t care if it is inspirational to people to exercise or to lose weight, I personally find the show boring. Maybe if the contestants lived in an actual Gingerbread House they weren’t allowed to eat… that might be entertaining.
  2. CSI – I really hate CSI and any show that is connected to it. The “detectives” are far too smart… do any of us believe the police are really that intelligent? “I smell sulfur… which clearly means the bullet was fired from a coke bottle through that window, hit that small pebble, and killed the woman. Case closed!” Most cops can’t even find a stolen, bright pink bike in the middle of the afternoon.
  3. Sex in the City – I think I hate this show because everyone likes it so much. I think it is also remarkable how I am immediately labeled as sexist for NOT liking it. Ok… I am sexist.
  4. True Blood – I had a “guy” friend that kept trying to get me to watch this show. First off, he is a former friend because that is just lame. I told you once I don’t like vampire flicks and from the previews this show is just another lame 90210 meets the world of flying beautiful people.
  5. The Wiggles – If I never see the Wiggles again I will die happy.
  6. Barney – I have often wondered what type of jackass goes up and punches mascots or people wearing costumes. Barney helps me to understand just a little bit what would drive someone to do such a thing…
  7. Real Housewives of Anywhere – These shows are stupid as shit.
  8. Real Mobster Wives??? – Since when did being married or divorced to a criminal make you the perfect candidate to have your own show? Not to mention most of these women on the show look and act hideous.
  9. Caillou – I have a serious question. Why is Caillou bald? He is a healthy kid so he doesn’t have cancer… so what gives?
  10. American Idol – Give it up! American Idol is now like turning on a radio station and having no clue what genre music is about to play.


10 Ways to Know if You are Bossy

  1. You order the Sun to stop.
  2. You give your husband lists of chores greater than the number one.
  3. People keep asking you if something is bothering you or what is wrong.
  4. People physically droop when you begin to speak at work.
  5. You love “parties” because you get to control everyone… Everyone! Like puppets!
  6. You tried to fire your own boss.
  7. You try to order ants around. Ants are highly organized creatures, they don’t need your input.
  8. Instead of leaving Santa Claus a “Wish List” you left him a list of “Improvements for Next Year.”
  9. You order snowmen to melt faster.
  10. Your dog actually does chores too.


10 Ways to get Rid of a Feminist

1. Inform them of a woman that isn’t a feminist. Be sure and hand out some torches and pitchforks so that they can begin their crusade immediately.

2. Say “I am a feminist too!” Don’t actually elaborate on what your beliefs are though just state that you are on the same side. You might even make the weekly “New Male Feminist Members” tweet I see every Saturday.

3. Keep saying “you guys” whenever you address the group. Apparently this is no longer politically correct and we must now say “you all.”

4. Begin to share with them your own hardships. Watch as they immediately walk away, because honestly no one suffers on this world as much as feminists apparently…

5. Talk about abortion and how wrong it is. Inform people of the evils of abortion and how all humans should have a say. Then be a man doing it.

6. Place the word “man” in your username and become an INSTANT nonfactor.

7. Sincerely compliment them and be a male. They won’t know how to take it and will of course suspect you of having an ulterior motive. With some feminists you really can’t pick “safe words” no matter how hard you try.

8. Clump all feminist together. It is inevitable you will receive at least one comment that sounds something along the lines of “well… I have never met that type of feminist, but…”

9. Concede that perhaps Eve did come before Adam. Then argue that this should negate the whole “patriarchy” debate.

10. Claim you are a “humanist” and that you don’t support one gender over the other. Feminist hate this argument because it leaves them with nothing to argue about. Do they then push the fact that they really do want “females” to be greater than males or do they instead say “Awesome!” and show support for all humans in general. As their movement proclaims…


What to do if Someone tries to Hug You!

We have all been in these situations and judging from my previous post on hugging I can see the world could use some of my advice on what to do if someone tries to hug you! It is true, it happens and it needs to stop. The spreading of germs and unwanted affection is prevalent in today’s society and the forcing of physical interaction back is appalling. Here is what I do in these situations.

My immediate reaction, as I told one commenter today, to being unexpectedly hugged is to put my left arm in front of my chest for protection while stepping back into my attacker. I then ninja flip them and follow up with a one, two spider kick. Now I realize not everyone has been to the Super Hero Academy in Huntsville, Alabama. That’s ok because not everyone is cut out for that life, but anyone can do a spider kick.

If I face a frontal attack from an incredibly eager hugger I will sometimes shout out “Mommy I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it Mommy!” The reactions vary… but generally they pretend like they were rushing to hug someone else and they never speak to me again…

Sometimes co-workers (women) will attack you as a group and will try to “group hug” you. Obviously you don’t want to turn them in to the proper authorities, snitches never last long in prison, and a combo move isn’t appropriate either. I suggest farting if you don’t care for anymore future human interaction. Ever again. But at least it will work right?

I have found that eating certain foods helps to keep people away so I make a special lunch each day. Nothing says “don’t hug me” like a garlic, kimchi, curry, fish, and egg sandwich.

If things get drastic and you are continuously ambushed by the same person at work or family gatherings you can always wear a neck brace. I would point at it a lot too… a story might help.

Lastly there are certain situations where it is almost impossible to get out of hugs. Like at church or when relatives show up. Where there is a will there is a way, and where there is a child there is a shield. This is called the deflective method. “Oh Aunt Helga! … have you seen little Johnny lately?!?”