10 Annoying Things People Say


1. “I hope you don’t get offended by this but…” You are about to say something that is going to make me want to punch you in the face right? I never understood why people feel the need to say this. It must be due to a weak backbone because they normally follow this phrase with something highly offensive. “I hope you don’t get offended by this but… have you gained weight?” Why yes I have and thank you! I am not offended at all!

2. “When I was young.” I seriously think you have to be holding a cane to say this. I actually had a boss once say this to me and when I asked him his age he was younger than I was. Dude… shut your mouth, when you were young indeed.

3. “I’m the type of guy/girl that…” Why don’t you just show me instead of telling me? Honestly if you need to tell people “the type of person you are” you must not be living the real you or they would ALREADY KNOW. And if you are telling this to a new acquaintance just know it is annoying as shit unless you are famous and even if you are famous you better be Anthony Bourdain interesting. Half the time the people actually will do that thing anyways…

4. “How’s it going?” I don’t know why people say “how’s it going” when you pass them in the hall at work. I feel like a jerk if I don’t say a “same shit different day” phrase or something more than “hey!” Maybe I am just anti-social.

5. “You wouldn’t understand.” Is it because I am Korean? I am stupid? I am male? I am tall? I am skinny? I am looking in the wrong direction? God didn’t love me? Why? Why???

6. “I am really good at Starcraft.” LIES! YOU AREN’T KOREAN! I am offended.

7. “I am so tired. I never get any sleep.” Unless you have kids, work two to three jobs to make ends meet, or are in Law/Medical/Architecture school you don’t know tired. Even if you never have kids I still think this is a stupid statement, ask a parent with a couple children how tired they are pumpkin.

8. “Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL.” I hate you.

9. “I am sooo offensive!” You see I never claim to be offensive and in fact I think the whole world should love me. People that say this statement are generally as mild as the yellow packet of sauce from Taco Bell.

10. “America thinks they need to police the world and stick their nose in everyone’s business.” Yea, but you guys sure love to ask us for loans right? How are my tax dollars working out for you? I wonder if our Presidents get slapped in the face before or after we hand out these checks. When is it going to end America? Let the world kill itself.

-OM

 

For Men Only – 10 Ways to Lie… but Not “Really Lie” to a Woman


  1. The easiest way is to cross your fingers. This still counts… I don’t know what idiot told everyone this stops working when you are a kid. I use it all the time!
  2. It isn’t really a lie if there is an ounce of truth. Kind of like a pool of water that has a drop of holy water dropped in it is suddenly pure right? Makes sense. So just make sure you put “enough truth” to make it “good enough.” You don’t have to feel guilty about getting caught over “good enough” fellas.
  3. Don’t look her in the eyes. Anything said while not looking a woman in the eyes is questionable and this can be proven in current court records. It will work. Be firm men.
  4. If you kind of trail off at the end of sentences then “technically” more words “might” have been there. This counts as the “loose ends” rule of covering your ass. Use this only as a last resort and when we say “last resort” this is like backing out quickly with guns blazing “last resort.”
  5. If you say that a friend did it this will work, but only a couple times a year. If you are using this all the time it gets old and you deserve to get caught. “Aw honey I am sorry I was late… Bob got drunk and threw up everywhere. I had to follow and make sure he got home ok… I am such a good friend.” If you imagine a halo above your head I hear this sometimes actually occurs. If it does, Youtube that and share with all the other men in the world please.
  6. If you are late say you had to “find the right outfit.” No woman in the world should ever be able to contest this excuse from a man. Ever.
  7. You are allowed to use the excuse “I was saving a kitten from a burning building” once in your life. It helps to photoshop some stuff and maybe not look like the chess club president. That is just hard to believe…
  8. If you are frequently out late and can’t answer your phone and your girlfriend (this won’t work with a wife) asks why you can tell her you are a part-time super hero. I have told all the women in my life this and they all believed me. I am so cool.
  9. If a woman catches you in a lie, code-red alert backup plan Z is breaking down in tears and claiming someone died. You may want to pick someone believable since women have a nasty habit of remembering everything a man says. Everything. So if Uncle Bob is suddenly resurrected at the next family reunion you never thought “she” would make it till… well you better think of a way to resurrect yourself.
  10. Claiming you are allergic to dust and cleaning products works as an excuse out of housework. It will help to perhaps faint a few times and look really ill when in the supermarket cleaning aisle as well.

-OM

10 Ways to get Rid of a Feminist


1. Inform them of a woman that isn’t a feminist. Be sure and hand out some torches and pitchforks so that they can begin their crusade immediately.

2. Say “I am a feminist too!” Don’t actually elaborate on what your beliefs are though just state that you are on the same side. You might even make the weekly “New Male Feminist Members” tweet I see every Saturday.

3. Keep saying “you guys” whenever you address the group. Apparently this is no longer politically correct and we must now say “you all.”

4. Begin to share with them your own hardships. Watch as they immediately walk away, because honestly no one suffers on this world as much as feminists apparently…

5. Talk about abortion and how wrong it is. Inform people of the evils of abortion and how all humans should have a say. Then be a man doing it.

6. Place the word “man” in your username and become an INSTANT nonfactor.

7. Sincerely compliment them and be a male. They won’t know how to take it and will of course suspect you of having an ulterior motive. With some feminists you really can’t pick “safe words” no matter how hard you try.

8. Clump all feminist together. It is inevitable you will receive at least one comment that sounds something along the lines of “well… I have never met that type of feminist, but…”

9. Concede that perhaps Eve did come before Adam. Then argue that this should negate the whole “patriarchy” debate.

10. Claim you are a “humanist” and that you don’t support one gender over the other. Feminist hate this argument because it leaves them with nothing to argue about. Do they then push the fact that they really do want “females” to be greater than males or do they instead say “Awesome!” and show support for all humans in general. As their movement proclaims…

-OM

7 Reasons Why Men Watch Porn


1. Women are always saying “get in touch with yourself and get in touch with your feelings.” I believe watching porn accomplishes both of those feats in one blow.

2. Men don’t talk about sexual positions much, except for that ONE FRIEND that acts like the God of All Men and won’t shut the hell up about all his “conquests.” If you are that guy take a hint finally, SHUT THE HELL UP! Because men don’t want to show a “lack of knowledge in certain areas” we turn to porn to learn what we don’t know, and to raise our expectations to a surreal level. Show me a guy that will go to the customer service desk at Barnes and Noble and ask “excuse me can you point me to the books on sexual advice?” I give you ten to one odds you get laughed at if the worker is a male.

3. Because books and pictures lie. Porn is as real as World Wrestling Entertainment.

4. It was an accident. I meant to type in Google.

5. You can get in LESS trouble watching porn than with a Facebook account.

6. Because porn will never break up or dump you. It is always loyal and always there.

7. We watch it for the plot just like we read Playboys for the articles.

-Opinionated Man

10 Reasons Men Hate Your BFF!


  1. We dated them as well and you never let us forget it.
  2. Cindy has a habit of leaving you at the bar on Friday nights and you in turn have the habit of forgiving her come Saturday morning. It is like the twilight zone…
  3. Because we are married, Sally feels the need to make snide comments about married couples as if we aren’t right in front of her. Sally also has been single and can’t keep a man for the past ten years… so maybe she should tell less jokes and do some self-reflection.
  4. Your stupid ass friend calls in the middle of the night because of dating drama… and we are all over 30 years old!!! GROW THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  5. Sharon calls every Wednesday for “Girls Night Out!” We aren’t in college anymore Sharon and besides your best friend is married with kids! Buy a vowel and get a clue!
  6. You are the “Oh yea… you are married…” friend. Yes, and we have been married for over 6 years. Hasn’t changed. Need a pen and paper?
  7. Your BFF is hot. That shit is just uncomfortable… get uglier friends please.
  8. Your BFF is dating an asshole or is married to a jackrabbit. Bets are off the table if this happens, if I couldn’t stand your friend in the first place why in the world would adding an asshole to the picture change my mind?
  9. Your BFF is the “perfect wife and mother” and loves to give you hell about it. Why do women have friends like that? Aren’t there other women out there that you can hang out with? I hear often from women that “well I have known her FOREVER!” Ok… was she an asshole FOREVER as well?
  10. The “I have a cause” BFF. We get it, we saw your Facebook, you REALLY care about those damn whales. Great, good for you! You don’t have to start chanting and protesting just because I am eating sushi. I swear to you this fish wants to be eaten.

-OM

Blame Me


If your blog isn’t growing blame me.

If you aren’t getting enough views then it is my fault because I didn’t visit your website.

If you can’t get followers blame me because I apparently can…. And it just isn’t fair…

If no one “likes” your posts blame HarsH ReaLiTy. Everyone was reading my blog posts so that is most definitely my fault.

If your mother doesn’t love you blame Opinionated Man. Obviously I offended your mom and caused this family rift.

If you don’t get the perfect Christmas gift blame me again! Don’t I look like a fat white guy in a Santa Suit that messes up orders? Listen to my “ho, ho, ho!!!”

If your blog breaks or a post fails to upload blame Jason Cushman. Because apparently he is the cause of all evil on WordPress.

-OM

10 Things I Hate About You


You stand far too close to me. Are you standing this close because you heard rubbing against an Asian is good luck?

You pop your gum constantly… for hours on end. It causes me to want to climb a wall OR to go over and hit you on the back causing you to spit the gum on the floor. I would then jump up and down on that gum with petulant glee screaming “you done popping yet? ARE YOU???”

I hate how you have a new movement each week. One day you are walking around in a whale outfit and the next you are laying down in front of my SUV while I am trying to drive away saying “I am murdering the ozone.” I can’t keep up with you!

I hate how you count how many drinks I have had. I am keeping count just fine myself. I put the tops in my pocket. Let’s see I have five… ten… more than a few here apparently…

I hate how you suck the fun out of things. You don’t even need to wave a wand you seem to just absorb the fun in the room. I bet if you bumped into a clown you would kill him by contact.

I hate that you are from a different country and think that you know how “America is” because you have visited here once. I have lived here for 30 years and I still don’t understand this batshit country.

I hate that you have a sign that says “Pro-Choice, Abortion Rights” in one hand and in the other you have “Save the Dolphins.” Fuck the dolphins.

I hate people telling me not to say the word “hate.” I love saying hate because everything else is not worth mentioning.

I hate your perfect sentence because I didn’t write it.

I hate people that are famous for being famous. Naming no names here, but it makes me jealous as hell.

-OM

13 Promises – By: OM


  1. I promise you that I will never edit one of your comments. This site will keep that integrity.
  2. I promise you I will not provide a reference. If you want a reference go Google that shit yourself lazy.
  3. I promise to let you all know when I die. There will definitely be a rainbow, possibly some unicorns, and maybe a spaceship.
  4. I promise you that I won’t take anything any of you say to heart. And you really shouldn’t either, nothing you read on the internet is that serious… unless it is an email from the IRS for an audit. That is some serious shit. You might want to take care of that.
  5. I promise you that if zombies come I will do my best to save myself and my family first. If there is room in the van some of you can come…
  6. I promise you that if I find the cure for any major disease I will share it with the world. I will first make a few corporate deals. I am human.
  7. I promise to never shoot a gun at myself. At myself…
  8. I promise I am Korean. No other race could ever be this sarcastic and still take themselves so seriously.
  9. I promise you that if you don’t buy in five seconds I will throw you out.
  10. I promise you I have seen Big Foot and he wasn’t so big… or tough.
  11. I promise you that animals are really reincarnated humans that are holding a grudge. Stay away from them!!!
  12. I promise you that if you read this list and hum “OMMMM” you will find a new level of spiritual enlightenment.
  13. I promise you this is not a joke.

-Opinionated Man

Those Things People Say


image

“You should look for miracles, not try to create them.” I have found humans are often wrong so at some point in life I decided to try and create miracles… not look for them. Walking on water has been unsuccessful, but I am making great strides in turning water into wine.

“Better late than never!” Uh… actually how about no. How about “better on time than late” asshole! I swear “being on time” is a lost art and somewhere along the way kids stopped learning the importance. I absolutely hate being late and it wasn’t only because in the military “if you are on time you are late.” My parents always had us ready early and we learned that behavior from them… imagine that. You mean if a parent teaches their kid something they learn it? Unreal. Get out.

“I knew someone once.” This means you are about to tell me a secondhand story that is not about you or really anyone important. You simply feel the need to talk OR it is really funny. It had better be hilarious. I am listening…

“Just any old thing.” People that say this are almost always the most picky humans in the world and when you get “that any old thing” wrong, your ass is grass.

“They are book smart.” We are basically saying you are intelligent, can read and write, but that you might not have the most common sense known to man. In fact you might be a danger to those around you.

*When you use “what not” or “exactly” as a period. I want to hit you with a shoe like an Asian politician.

“It is the best show ever.” I swear everyone has a “best show ever” and I have learned to just pick my own.

Note: I’ll just use some of my pics from the trip for random posts. They won’t really be related…

-OM

 

What to do if Someone tries to Hug You!


We have all been in these situations and judging from my previous post on hugging I can see the world could use some of my advice on what to do if someone tries to hug you! It is true, it happens and it needs to stop. The spreading of germs and unwanted affection is prevalent in today’s society and the forcing of physical interaction back is appalling. Here is what I do in these situations.

My immediate reaction, as I told one commenter today, to being unexpectedly hugged is to put my left arm in front of my chest for protection while stepping back into my attacker. I then ninja flip them and follow up with a one, two spider kick. Now I realize not everyone has been to the Super Hero Academy in Huntsville, Alabama. That’s ok because not everyone is cut out for that life, but anyone can do a spider kick.

If I face a frontal attack from an incredibly eager hugger I will sometimes shout out “Mommy I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it Mommy!” The reactions vary… but generally they pretend like they were rushing to hug someone else and they never speak to me again…

Sometimes co-workers (women) will attack you as a group and will try to “group hug” you. Obviously you don’t want to turn them in to the proper authorities, snitches never last long in prison, and a combo move isn’t appropriate either. I suggest farting if you don’t care for anymore future human interaction. Ever again. But at least it will work right?

I have found that eating certain foods helps to keep people away so I make a special lunch each day. Nothing says “don’t hug me” like a garlic, kimchi, curry, fish, and egg sandwich.

If things get drastic and you are continuously ambushed by the same person at work or family gatherings you can always wear a neck brace. I would point at it a lot too… a story might help.

Lastly there are certain situations where it is almost impossible to get out of hugs. Like at church or when relatives show up. Where there is a will there is a way, and where there is a child there is a shield. This is called the deflective method. “Oh Aunt Helga! … have you seen little Johnny lately?!?”

-OM

2014 Wish List


I have a wish list for 2014. I will number them.

  1. I wish for 2014 to be the year no one writes about me. Either positive or negative. That would be awesome.
  2. I wish for more sleep. I ask for this yearly and fail yearly to have it granted.
  3. I really want a BMW. It doesn’t have to be new, just “newish.”
  4. I hope this is the year THEY come finally.
  5. I would like for my kids not to get sick as much this year.
  6. I want to write more, get better at writing, and work on dialogue.
  7. I wish less people would actually touch me this year. Today a guy randomly patted me on the back after a brief conversation at a store. That is cool and all… but I almost melted from human contact.
  8. I wish less people would have abortions.
  9. I just want a Super Bowl win! Who do I have to pray to for that? I am not above sabotaging a team bus…
  10. I wish more people would consider the stupid shit they say in public that everyone else is forced to listen to. You have every right to be as dumb as you like, but please don’t torture my ears and sanity with your drivel.
  11. I wish everyone in America had to retake the drivers test and actually pass this time… I want to see the test scores too. There is no way some of you actually took a legitimate test. Maybe a go-kart test or something.
  12. I wish the news would be less bias. All channels.
  13. I wish reporters would get their facts straight before reporting stories. News stations and reporters DESERVE every dollar they are sued for when they falsely report shit. Do your job right, stop cutting corners, and stop ruining random people’s lives assholes!
  14. I wish you were all real people. Granted, you are very talkative machines…

-OM

These People Should NOT Read My Blog


I created a list of people that shouldn’t follow my blog. This was prompted by a comment by one of you. I will number these to make it easier to digest.

  1. I don’t think depressive people should follow my blog. I have struggled with depression myself throughout my life and you know what happens when two depressives get together right? Ice cream, Sex in the City reruns, and boxes of tissue right?
  2. People that are easily offended shouldn’t follow my blog. I have said this repeatedly and even have a nice tagline as a warning…. And still people think I am joking. It amazes me!
  3. North Koreans and possibly the Chinese. I know I make a lot of jokes at the expense of other Asians. I would apologize… but that would just be a lie.
  4. Dennis Rodman – Dennis if you are reading my blog get the hell out of here asshole and go back to North Korea!
  5. People that have had an abortion probably will hate my blog. I get that and I wish you the best. I won’t change my words or views simply because there are “nice people” out there that have made mistakes. I have done bad things as well and I expect judgment for them.
  6. Trolls or groupies – I am not wealthy. I am married. I have a wife and two kids. There will never be an “I love you” in a message from me. Some of the emails I have received lately strongly suggest that some people have not read my bio. Read my bio. 2014 is the year of the anti-troll system. It is working so far.
  7. Clown lovers – I really hate clowns. I really do.
  8. Ultra-Religious Types – I am going to guess that my blog and views on religion won’t fly with most people.  I am ok with that… are you?
  9. If you hate generalizations – you will hate this blog.
  10. Feminist – Now I personally don’t think I have done anything to offend the feminist in the world of WordPress. Unfortunately the memo has been sent out that OM is a misogynist bastard. At least they got the bastard part right. To the feminist I have offended so far I have two words. Opinionated Man.
  11. Patriots Fans – If you love the Patriots and Tom Brady you probably will hate my blog. If you don’t… I will try harder.
  12. Real Writers and Authors – I know my punctuation and grammar suck. You probably want to save yourself the torture and just read a Tom Clancy novel or something… I get a mental image of “real authors” reading my blog and *snorting* saying “why the hell does this guy have so many followers?” Ouch…
  13. Poets – My poetry isn’t really poetry. It is more like random lines made to rhyme. I am certain this annoys real poets; you may want to just skip my blog.
  14. Serious Sussies (This is not referring to a real person) – Super serious people might want to read CNN instead. My blog is awash with lame, humorous jokes that most people don’t find funny other than me. It is like a comedic hell in here!
  15. Freshly Pressed Staff – I make fun of your choices a lot. You probably don’t want to hear me bash your hard work, but sometimes I can’t help it. Margaret Cho is the most “progressive” Korean-American??? REALLY??? UGH…

At least it has been said so if you do choose to stick around… well you have been warned.

-OM

Memories 1, 2, 3…


*Marlboro lights – You remind me of Mary. I miss her dearly. She was a great friend, a confidant, a shining light in my life during a time I needed some light. Taken too soon from us, you will be missed.

*Kids on bikes – I am reminded of when I was younger and still living in Jackson Mississippi. I had a small dirt bike, a hand me down from my brother, and all my friends had nice new “multiple speed” bikes that were just coming out. Needless to say I lost every race. I recall often times throwing my bike into a dirt ditch in frustration.

*Dirt ditches – Anytime I see a street or neighborhood without a sidewalk I am reminded of Jackson, MS. Many of the neighborhoods in Jackson don’t have sidewalks and I get a familiar tingle when I see the same thing in other cities. Ever felt like you were walking down a memory?

*Throwing Stars and nunchucks – I get a vivid memory when I think or see these words. It reminds me of Knoxville, TN. My Asian friends (and the token white dude) were in the parking lot of one of the dorms on campus hanging out. My Filipino friend decided to show us his nunchuck skills. I will say here that he was pretty good. To this day I do not recall any glances of fear or alarm from those passing by, but someone obviously called the cops. A cop car screeched into the parking lot and two white sheriffs stepped out with guns drawn. “Get your hands up and drop the weapon!” We looked at each other in confusion, but of course complied. After making sure we were not a threat, we were left with one last memorable statement. “You boys don’t have any throwing stars or knives do you?” Nice…

*Captain Morgan – Cigarette thrown, angry Korean, guy gets a bloody nose, more rum.

*Wendy’s after midnight – Knoxville, TN we pulled up and ordered almost everything on the menu. As we got to the window we decided it was an appropriate time to spark up. The lady at the window looks over her shoulder for her manager and then says “give me a hit and the food is free.” Win!

*Seattle Washington and stupid buses – So I arrived in Seattle in the summer of the 2000 for the motherland tour to Korea which I write about in my adoption story. I arrived a day earlier so the other people going on the trip were not yet there. One girl was and she invited me to go downtown to the mall to meet some of her friends she had not seen in some time since she was not from Seattle. I agreed and we saw a bit of Seattle and I quickly fell in love with the city. When it was time to go she decided to hang around and I told her I was fine getting a bus back to the airport hotel we were staying at. The problem was that at the age of 18 I had never actually ridden a city bus before. I figured it would be as simple as walking to the opposite side of the street and getting a bus going the opposite direction. How was I to know, I was from Memphis, TN where you don’t ride a bus unless you have to… ever. Needless to say I did not get to my destination and I was forced to ask a police officer, like the orphan that I was, how to get to the airport. Embarrassment

*Scottsdale, AZ – One of the few memories I have of my father and I spending time together. I don’t begrudge him, he  is my role model when it comes to providing for a family. He was always busy, but as a chief physician and a teacher at medical schools that shouldn’t be unexpected. It is to a kid though. Scottsdale was beautiful and my father was giving a talk at a place called the Phoenician, which was a Ritz. It was my first Ritz… I will remember forever the mother of pearl swimming pool there. Amazing

*San Antonio, TX – Basic training. Getting a post card 3 weeks in from my family on an Alaskan family reunion cruise. Miserable

*Cracker Barrel – This place is really white and even though I am with white parents I never belonged there. One of the few restaurants I have ever felt that way. I don’t go there anymore.

*The 3 – My two friends and I as kids were the 3 forwards on our soccer team and we kicked some 10 year old ass back in the day. Those fools never knew what hit them…

*The Year Off – My transition from junior high to High School was funny because the inner city schools in Memphis, TN have never had strong soccer teams. When my friends and I entered into the “system” many city soccer coaches took notice because there was literally a “team” of us in the same 2 grades. I remember as we were getting ready to enter High School that I met my future coach, a real pompous braggart that was one of those soccer coaches that dresses as if he is a player too… give it up. He would even try to show us techniques, which was amusing considering most of us played competitive soccer since the school soccer was really just amusing to us. That was the year I “took a year off from soccer” to play golf. The High School coach was not pleased, he wanted us all on his new “super team.” Tough shit Sherlock, I don’t regret it to this day asshole.

*Pre-AP English – “You won’t ever be a good writer. Many people aren’t great at writing, try something new.” So motivating…

*AP English – “Mom I got a 4 on the AP English exam! Can I go shove it in Mrs. ___ #@$%#@%@#$ face?”

*12th grade Art class – My first in school fight that I got caught for. In my defense… it was self-defense. Memorable line from the Principle “we punish all offenders equally here!” My mother “well that is the stupidest shit I have ever heard!” Love…

*2008 – You are released from service Airman. “OMG… OMG”

*The King and I – I was one of the Emperor’s children in a traveling Broadway production of The King and I in Memphis, TN. That was one of the greatest memories of my childhood.

*Boy Choir – I miss my voice. I was a soprano till I was 16 years old. I got made fun of, but I didn’t care. Now I sound like a mortician.

*HarsH ReaLiTy – “This online journal should be a fun and relaxing way of writing a diary…”

Why you are Alone on Valentine’s Day!


You think all men are pigs. Well show me a pig that can pick out a Hallmark card, pay for it, sign it, and buy chocolate without eating it and I will agree with you! Otherwise… you are just picky and alone.

You measure men against characters from movies. Look we get it, those men in TV shows and popular movies are suave and slick as hell. They also had twenty men AND women write their lines for them. If I had a committee that filtered every word before it came out of my mouth I might just be perfect as well.

You keep trying to meet guys at the club. I will never understand why women choose to get involved with men that are obviously “players” and then get shocked and upset when they get cheated on. You know who won’t cheat on you? The chess club president that is who. I don’t think a chess club president has ever cheated on a girlfriend in the history of chess!

You hated every boyfriend in the past… and you tell every new boyfriend about it. Yes, unfortunately there are some assholes in the world and you just might have dated some of them! I didn’t come on this date to hear about Richard, Bobby, and Joey ok? If you are alone and you have the habit of ranting about Ex-BFs… maybe a time of self-reflection is required.

You look like a runway model every day. This one might be confusing because what guy wouldn’t want to date a model? Sounds like a lot of drama, I mean fun, but I do feel the need to clarify to women that if you step out of your door every day looking like a fashion model… most “average guys” won’t dare to speak to you. All we see is dollar signs walking around in high heels that none of us can afford to buy you.

You hate flowers, you hate chocolate, and you hate bunnies and you hate… If you hate “everything” or are the type that says you “hate everything” I just won’t try. Why waste my time and money? YOU HATE EVERYTHING!

You LOVE Valentine’s Day. Bahumbug… I hate this holiday. I think many men do too, which is why in the Guycode Book it states “that unless you are married or in a serious relationship you should break all non-important social agreements till after gift buying season is over.” See page 69.

-Opinionated Man

Some Personal Retorts – By: OM


“You eat meat? You murder animals.” …I hate baby elephants…

“Do you know how many calories are in that?” The same amount as there was when I ate it yesterday?

“Are you throwing that away? There are starving people around the world!” Did you want me to Fedex my leftovers or something?

“Hate is such a strong word. You shouldn’t say you hate people.” I hate you.

“All you do is write your opinion. You don’t ever debate or allow others to share theirs.” Ok, are you finished yet?

“You are going to hell.” Been there. They kicked me out…

“Koreans are horrible drivers.” Good, I will have an excuse when I run your ass over.

“All Asians are good at math.” That is because we are all smart enough to buy calculators… stupid.

“Chopsticks are so hard to eat with! I barely even get a bite!” Why do you think Asians are generally so skinny? Even we hate eating a whole meal with chopsticks. Where the hell is my spoon?

“Are you worried about when the time comes for your daughters to date?” I am only worried about having the energy to dig that many graves…

“You are such a misogynist asshole.” Pure butter baby.

-OM

Corporate Takeover – HarsHer ReaLiTy


Dear Employees,

We regret to inform you we have been bought out… by those bastards across the street at Alternate ReaLiTy. Apparently they gathered a suspicious amount of backing and were able to buy our label, but have agreed to allow us to run our company as normal… with a few new implementations. They listed them below and frankly I find them outrageous. But we have been instructed by the board that if we do not comply HarsH ReaLiTy will be closed down. So against our better judgment you will see these put into place in the coming days.

-Management

New Policies for our New Friends at HarsH ReaLiTy

1. Free coffee is an unnecessary expense on our budget. We are sending over our newly created quarter water machines. Please be sure to use correct change.

2. Our auditors have noticed an excessive amount of toilet paper being used. While we cannot regulate how many times an employee actually uses the restroom, although new break rules can be found below, we can place an expense on the luxury of such comfortable bathrooms. New penny toilet roll dispensers have been placed in the male restrooms. In an effort to conserve a well-balanced atmosphere of equality, we are only going to implement this requirement in the men’s restroom. Please feel free to place as many pennies in as you would like men.

3. We have noticed an excessive amount of breaks being taken and while we cannot physically chain you to your chair or desk… we have created a coding system for the security doors. They will only open for 15 minutes every four hours. Ironically this is when your breaks are.

4. In an effort to create team spirit we have decided to get rid of the “lift docks” and will instead have team training in the back of the building. The best pyramid team gets to load things to level three. We feel this will not only cut back on the “loading expense” that is such a horrible red mark on the annual audit, but it will also help enforce a companywide physical education program that we will covertly call “ice breakers.”

5. As our new employees we want you all to feel welcome into the family. And we also want you call to take comfort in knowing your futures are safe as long as you are employees with us. Your retirement and 401K packages have been frozen in the buying transition, however, we are excited to announce the acquisition of a new Company Island where people may retire!!! Photos will be available as soon as the photo guys get done creating them.

6. If you are all curious why the first eight rows of the parking lot have been closed off, we are reserving these spaces for the nonexistent important executives that will never, ever visit your pathetic building. We still would rather they have a close parking space for them “just in case” and have bought the empty lot five blocks down and three to the left for all of you. We apologize about the lack of pavement, it is in the budget. And unfortunately our budget is stretched thin from buying your company so that might take awhile.

7. More policies to come tomorrow by email. Compliance is still required.

All the best and let’s keep that team spirit happening!

Your New Bosses

-Alternate ReaLiTy Management

For Males Only – 10 Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas


Every year I try to cater to my few male followers and write an opinionated article for Valentine’s day. This is a long standing tradition running a year now. I couldn’t think of anything witty to write this year other than my previous post “Why you are alone on Valentine’s Day” so I decided I would write a list of gift ideas. Take what value you can from it guys, it has served me well.

  1. Buy her a tree. You can decide what type of tree or what size, generally a smaller tree will work, but I never understood why men get caught in this monotonous routine of buying rose after rose. What ends up happening is you will get the same smile and the SAME sex. Get her a tree and sparks are going to fly. Trust me. You can even plant it, but trying to pass off a tree that was previously there is really going to depend on how much she drinks.
  2. Guys if something is wrong with you and you actually like buying women’s clothing then at least do it properly. Figure out what size she wears, clothing has this thing called a tag inside that has numbers on it. You write the numbers down and ask the nice fake smiling lady behind the counter where the so and so is. If you find yourself embarrassed trying to say what you are looking for, describing is acceptable merely by pointing at the different regions of your body, but please abstain from pointing overly at your groin area. This can cause possible law suits or police intervention. Also, to the fathers out there, bring those kids shopping! I don’t know what these “other dudes” are talking about, but kids are CHICK MAGNETS!
  3. I feel a second gift advice is needed for clothing. If you are feeling Indiana Jones adventurous and actually buy your woman a shirt or dress buy a size down at least! Every guy that has been dragged through a mall by a woman, I read recently some Asian guy during Christmas Season literally threw himself off the balcony at the mall because his wife wouldn’t stop shopping, knows that different brands mean that the sizes can technically also be different. Even if the number is the same! Hedge your bet, buy a size or two down and keep the receipt. If she gets mad, which by the way her fury over this will be miniscule compared to her RAGE over you buying a size UP, then you just take it back and try to look puppy dog sorry.
  4. Buying chocolate is a horrible idea and what if you “accidently” get a low-fat chocolate bar. God, Your Life Is Over… and please Youtube that Shit! If you insist on buying her candy get her gum. I never saw a woman that complained about getting a stick of gum. Big League Chew is also a good option.
  5. I think that if you are Korean you might consider inventing a riding vacuum cleaner. I do a lot of vacuuming myself and I think a riding vacuum cleaner would kick ass. Especially if it had a drink holder.
  6. A Man-Shaped Punching Bag – Now this might exist. I am far too lazy to check amazon.com for this, but I think inventing, making, or finding and buying a man-shaped punching bag would be epic! I do caution that if you decide to surprise her with it and hang it in the garage… actually that is a bad idea. And if it is a girlfriend she is probably going to dump you for being a creep.
  7. The “Show me only what I want to see” Camera – If you can make this next Japan please consider inventing a camera that only takes pictures of what women “perceive” they see. And not actually “what” they see. This is for all us husbands that must sit through picture sorting sessions. I hear North Korea uses a similar practice for torture.
  8. Happy Liquor – I wish they could invent a liquor that ONLY makes women happy. No sadness, depression, melt downs, or thrown boxes of Valentine’s day chocolate. Just Happy… [plays Pharrell’s new song HAPPY]
  9. Stress balls that resemble a pair of men’s… jewels. This might seem like an odd or pornographic idea, but think about what a win-win it is men. They get to squeeze something of value in more ways than one and you in turn get to watch those stress lines disappear. You know the ones that appear around the eyes right before “tiger mode.”
  10. A mood ring that works. I think this would also serve as an “emergency response signal” to forewarn us of inclement weather in the near future.
  11. 1,350 Books. This is a great idea for those of us that have multiple sports seasons we love and must watch. If you are married to or dating a book lover get an endless amount of books for them so they won’t hog the television with their awesome channel selections. Trust me, it will work.

Well that will about do it. I am going to just say that the writer of this article, me, takes no responsibility for advice taken or badly followed. Best of luck men in the battle to come. Go Joe!

-Opinionated Man

10 Ways to Make Your Day Awesome!


1. Play “Eye of the Tiger” while you shower. That is a magical experience. Seriously try it.

2. Convince the spouse to have sex in the morning. Everyone has sex at night… boring! Morning sex really is awesome. Awesome.

3. Tell the woman at Starbucks that your name is Superman/Superwoman. Hearing your name or seeing it written will make you feel crazy good. Crazy good!

4. Eat a burger at Outback Steakhouse in America. If you are from a foreign country… well it must suck not to be American. I got lucky and was drafted from Korea.

5. Drink a morning beer. I don’t know what it is with connecting the image of an alcoholic to morning beverage consumption. On average a fridge presents very few options mostly consisting of either orange or apple juice, milk, and a various selection of beers. It is therefore a rational human response to grab a can of bud lite. Everyone knows it is just like water… plus a few nutritious ingredients. What the hell is the problem here?

6. Buy a number one from McDonalds and don’t you dare use location as an excuse. Everyone knows there is a freaking McDonalds in every country except North Korea.

7. Hear the words “I love you” from anyone, even if you have to give $10 to the crackhead on the corner. An “I love you” is all about feelings.

8. Tell someone at work you are dying. It is amazing how nice people are to you, honestly amazing…

9. Say “OM” in the morning. You might even make a wish and if it comes true I take full credit.

10. Call in sick to work. Honestly is there any better feeling than calling in sick to work?

-OM

Prompts: Why I Write


Because every time I draw something people say “Your four year old is really talented!”

Because the last time I went downtown and started to mime people called the men in the white jackets…

Because the last time I tried to juggle fire we actually got to witness how long it took the fire department to arrive. That was almost as depressing as the burning home.

Because I found out I actually can’t dodge bullets.

Because talking requires more muscles.

Because people say I sound like a funeral home director when I speak.

Because everything I cook tastes the same. Everything…

Because I can’t claim cleaning as a talent.

Because the last time I grabbed a fake microphone and stepped in front of a live reporter the police came and no one understood I was just following a dream.

Because I finally found out you have to actually be born in America to be President…

-Opinionated Man

My Opinion on Fashion – Part 1


Why not right? I have already been called a dumbass and an asshole this week, so I might as well have some fashion bloggers tell me how stupid I am to top it off! Here is my take on current fashion.

I am not fashionable. I was once… when bouncers were letting me skip everyone in line. It doesn’t take much, just move to Knoxville and be the only Asian guy that cares to befriend bouncers. They will remember you (there aren’t a lot of Asians in Knoxville if you didn’t know).

When I was into style and my clothes, back before the shackles of marriage, I would normally wear either Polo, Structure (before they changed their name), and Banana Republic. I am sure you can now label me pretty easily.

I take my family to the mall a lot. The girls like to walk around, I people watch, and my wife will do some shopping. I will normally play that game where you try to avoid any and all human contact… all the while also trying to appear “normal.” I get to observe a lot of fashion trends because of this and of course I have an opinion.

My wife has tried to explain how the whole “certain colors for certain seasons” works. I think I get it. Women wear colors that complement the season as some sort of “ninja vanish” trick so they can get close enough to stab you. At least I think that is what is going on. Also I learned shoes have to match. Just because the shoes are “dirty” doesn’t classify them as brown.

There are many trends I don’t understand. Why do “younger mothers” wear the same clothes as their older daughters? Is there some type of discount at gap if you get the same outfit in two sizes? I think it is awkward if you can’t tell a mother apart from her daughter… but I guess some people think that is “hot?” If you aren’t near the age of Forever 21, should you be shopping there? It does say “forever” though doesn’t it?

Why do women buy clothes just to hang them in their closet? I wonder how many women here have clothes with price tags STILL on them. I do not get this at all. Please, someone explain it to me! Also… women you realize that malls always have a “sale” going on right? Husbands are you still falling for this trick? “Honey there is a SALE going on!!!” I worked retail… there is always a sale. We kind of just moved those stickers around…

Maybe this is a Colorado thing, but I seem to only see two outfits on males here. A Broncos jersey (GO PEYTON!) or this new “BMX Biker” look. I suppose this isn’t really a “new look,” but it is to me! Everywhere I glance there are “X Gamers” walking around and I am half tempted to start asking for autographs.

Asians that wear “really” Asian clothing in public. Just stop! Please!!!

I am from the South and the topic of choice for the longest time was sagging jeans. I personally like my comfort and my jeans are definitely not up to my neck… but if I can see your ass then that is just wrong. Pull that shit up. You aren’t running from any dogs, cops, or women with knives with your jeans like that you know.

At a certain point “parents” have to retire those college T-shirts we love soooo much. I enjoy seeing a father and a mother walking in the mall with their kids, until I see that their shirts say “I’m with Stupid” and “Freshman Forever!!!” At some point people have to grow up…

I really hate the mall because of those kiosks that now rule the “center aisle.” Those people that man those stations are bulldogs. I almost had an Italian woman chase me down with lotion that I needed to “fix my face.” OUCH! Lmao…

-OM

Nine Reasons being Asian is Awesome


1) I can walk to the park and start swinging my arms around and claim it is some form of martial arts when it isn’t and people will join in.

2) My eyes are so small I don’t really need shades. I buy them anyways because they make me look badass.

3) If I am ever lost in the woods I can create a fire with the chopsticks I always have with me.

4) I throw my hands at people like I am throwing a fireball and people actually get scared. Thank you Hollywood.

5) If someone has a problem with their cell phone I can normally take it, look at it for a few minutes, tell them they need a new one, and still look smart.

6) When people ask me math questions they believe me when I quickly say an answer, any answer, and hopefully they don’t realize it till they are down the hall.

7) If someone is about to approach me that I really don’t like I pull my cell phone out and start yelling “what sounds like Korean.” I don’t personally speak Korean, but no one wants to bother an angry Korean man.

8) I can drink anyone under the table in shots of Soju.

9) We look really young until the day we grow old. On that day we are as old as we are going to be till we die…

-OM

DSC_0271

10 Reasons People Hate Me


  1. I don’t recycle. I just don’t… and I really could care less about the animals in the ocean. In fact it might be safer without them.
  2. People handing out advertisements or Girl Scout Cookies will sometimes receive what they think is “Korean” back. I actually don’t speak Korean… but it has sounded believable for 20 years.
  3. Sometimes I pretend to be asleep so people will go away. It is amazing how quickly a person will become bored with you if you are audibly snoring.
  4. I don’t move over for bikers of any kind and I don’t consider your oversized toy a car. This will probably never change.
  5. If you ask me my nationality I will many times tell you a random Asian country. It is because I am an asshole.
  6. I mumble a lot and then play it off by staring into space. When you stare into space people get uncomfortable and generally leave you alone…
  7. I will purposefully stop traffic to give to a homeless person if I see tons of cars pass them. Yes this is “reactive charity” but it is also the point of being bothered by the coldness of society.
  8. I don’t speak Spanish and never plan to. I also don’t think a person should have to speak Spanish to live in America. If everyone isn’t required to speak Korean (which wouldn’t make a bad law) then there should be no similar requirement for ANY language other than English in this great nation.
  9. I never say “Bless You” when someone sneezes. The silence is sometimes audible after such an occurrence… as if god is waiting for me to say it. I will, however, sometimes say “Devil Be Gone” and splash fake holy water on them.
  10. I don’t do “ice breakers.” To me an ice breaker is a single glass of Macallan 25 and ZERO human contact.

-OM

10 Things That Offend Me


Everyone complains “That Opinionated Man! He is so offensive!” Well no one takes the time to consider my feelings if I had any. No one asks “Gee OM, what offends you?” Well screw you world, I am asking myself.

1. Asians that are taller than me – I have no logical reason for this other than it offends me that you got to be taller than me. Who the hell made you so lucky?

2. People that cut the line – This shit just pisses me off. What makes you so special? Get your ass in the back where everyone else is. The worst is when you are waiting to board a plane. You would think an Alien invasion is about to take place the way people skip and cut the line. Unbelievable!

3. When the burger doesn’t look like the commercial – I mean shouldn’t this be like false advertising? If I see it on TV and that shit looks real… shouldn’t it be real when I buy it? It better taste succulent too…

4. People that act surprised when “domesticated” wild animals attack. If you are stupid enough to get in a cage with a lion then you deserve to get a bite taken out of your ass.

5. People that claim “anything” is art. It isn’t me! That shit just looks horrible!!! I swear! I am sophisticated!!!

6. The New England Patriots – I cannot believe the NFL allows a team of demons to play in the league. Outrageous what people will do for ticket sales.

7. People telling me what to care about – Why don’t you worry about what is on your own plate ok?

8. People that are overly excited about other nationality’s holidays – I get the whole “cultural unity” thing… but chill the hell out. I am not Chinese, stop hugging me and find a different Asian!

9. Clowns – They just creep me out.

10. Unfinished Alcoholic Beverages – There are people that would kill for that last swallow of scotch. Kill for it.

-Opinionated Man

Top 11 Things Said to Me (about me) this Year!


I meant to do this in January, but I had some other stuff on my plate. So I decided to go ahead and write this up for you even though it is late. It is a good thing I don’t have deadlines.

  1. “OM, I just know this post was written to me…” While I appreciate that people connect with my writing, that is one of the highest compliments any writer can get, unless your name is God, Family, or Fluffy… it probably wasn’t written to you.
  2. “Do you ever sleep?” No
  3. “Has there ever been a topic that you held back from?” Yes, I have deleted one post since HR was founded. Only one post. I suppose you could say that breaks my whole theory on conviction, if you were a cynical bastard.
  4. “OM you just showed your ass again.” Are you referring to my new apple-bottom jeans?
  5. “There is no possible way that one person writes and responds to all these comments each day. It must be a group of people.” Actually it is a group of people. I allow my 3 and 4 year old daughter to write posts during the day. The articles with the bad grammar… yea that is all me.
  6. “I honestly don’t think OM actually really cares about his topics as much as he says.” I will admit this is one of the few comments I actually thought I might have a heart attack from laughing over. Someone owes me a few years…
  7. “Would you mind sending your followers to me?” Did you want a ribbon on that or what?
  8. “Stupid Asian technology never works.” Give me back your cell phone, car, dishwasher, TV, washing machine, and possibly your brain as well. We make those too.
  9. “I just had the most amazing steak ever!” If it was in Colorado…. It wasn’t the most amazing steak ever. Sorry bud. And the very fact you think that makes me weep for you.
  10. “OMG baby look a shooting star!” Um… I think that is an airplane babe…
  11. “Maybe he fancies himself as the second coming of Jesus, with his blog as his pulpit and his 32,000 followers as his flock.” No, but I definitely have my Halloween costume picked out!

-OM

Why does it always come out to be 11? I swear that isn’t on purpose…

OM’s Words of Wisdom – Part 1


I rarely give advice to people. I normally follow my own rules and allow everyone else to fuck up their own lives at will. If I went around fixing everyone’s problems then I would have nothing to laugh at on a daily basis. This might be long so I am going to number them. We are going to pretend people are actually asking me for my advice on this post.

1. Dear OM, my girlfriend cheated on me. How do I get her back?

My dear friendly idiot, you don’t get her back. You date her friend.

 

2. Dear OM, my girlfriend is a vegan. How do I survive this relationship?

No human can resist the smell of cooked meat. Chances are your girlfriend is actually an alien. She is probably going to eat you while you sleep. There is zero chance of survival.

 

3. Dear OM, my wife gets mad when I drink more than one beer. She said if I drink more than one I become a “different person.” She also says that someone that doesn’t have a “problem” should be able to do without alcohol. What do I do?

It is always sad when a person is separated from a gift from God. Alcohol was given to man so that he may ignore the pains from the day’s labor… as well as from his wife. Without it we are transformed into gentle, easily molded creatures that oddly resemble… children. I suggest a strong conversation with your woman OR learning the correct combination of vodka to mouth wash. Also please tell her that the “different person” you become is called FUN… fun is good to have around.

 

4. Dear OM, I see you speak on many topics but you rarely give advice. Why is that?

I own a small mailbox that is shaped like a bird’s house… on welfare. All the hate mail would never fit.

 

5. Dear OM, I noticed your name is Opinionated Man. Why did you feel the need to clarify that you were a man and not just an opinionated person?

I am reminded I am a man every time I walk, the right gust of wind hits me, and from the look of wonder on a woman’s face when she learns I can cook. I am reminded of the fact I am a male so many times on a daily basis that I figured I might as well start being proud of it.

 

6. Dear OM, I am 25 and blog regularly. I hold back because I am afraid of what my friends and family might think of my “true opinions.” How do I get past that?

You are 25 for Christ’s sake. Grow the fuck up!

-OM