10 Ways to get Rid of a Feminist


1. Inform them of a woman that isn’t a feminist. Be sure and hand out some torches and pitchforks so that they can begin their crusade immediately.

2. Say “I am a feminist too!” Don’t actually elaborate on what your beliefs are though just state that you are on the same side. You might even make the weekly “New Male Feminist Members” tweet I see every Saturday.

3. Keep saying “you guys” whenever you address the group. Apparently this is no longer politically correct and we must now say “you all.”

4. Begin to share with them your own hardships. Watch as they immediately walk away, because honestly no one suffers on this world as much as feminists apparently…

5. Talk about abortion and how wrong it is. Inform people of the evils of abortion and how all humans should have a say. Then be a man doing it.

6. Place the word “man” in your username and become an INSTANT nonfactor.

7. Sincerely compliment them and be a male. They won’t know how to take it and will of course suspect you of having an ulterior motive. With some feminists you really can’t pick “safe words” no matter how hard you try.

8. Clump all feminist together. It is inevitable you will receive at least one comment that sounds something along the lines of “well… I have never met that type of feminist, but…”

9. Concede that perhaps Eve did come before Adam. Then argue that this should negate the whole “patriarchy” debate.

10. Claim you are a “humanist” and that you don’t support one gender over the other. Feminist hate this argument because it leaves them with nothing to argue about. Do they then push the fact that they really do want “females” to be greater than males or do they instead say “Awesome!” and show support for all humans in general. As their movement proclaims…

-OM

What to do if Someone tries to Hug You!


We have all been in these situations and judging from my previous post on hugging I can see the world could use some of my advice on what to do if someone tries to hug you! It is true, it happens and it needs to stop. The spreading of germs and unwanted affection is prevalent in today’s society and the forcing of physical interaction back is appalling. Here is what I do in these situations.

My immediate reaction, as I told one commenter today, to being unexpectedly hugged is to put my left arm in front of my chest for protection while stepping back into my attacker. I then ninja flip them and follow up with a one, two spider kick. Now I realize not everyone has been to the Super Hero Academy in Huntsville, Alabama. That’s ok because not everyone is cut out for that life, but anyone can do a spider kick.

If I face a frontal attack from an incredibly eager hugger I will sometimes shout out “Mommy I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it Mommy!” The reactions vary… but generally they pretend like they were rushing to hug someone else and they never speak to me again…

Sometimes co-workers (women) will attack you as a group and will try to “group hug” you. Obviously you don’t want to turn them in to the proper authorities, snitches never last long in prison, and a combo move isn’t appropriate either. I suggest farting if you don’t care for anymore future human interaction. Ever again. But at least it will work right?

I have found that eating certain foods helps to keep people away so I make a special lunch each day. Nothing says “don’t hug me” like a garlic, kimchi, curry, fish, and egg sandwich.

If things get drastic and you are continuously ambushed by the same person at work or family gatherings you can always wear a neck brace. I would point at it a lot too… a story might help.

Lastly there are certain situations where it is almost impossible to get out of hugs. Like at church or when relatives show up. Where there is a will there is a way, and where there is a child there is a shield. This is called the deflective method. “Oh Aunt Helga! … have you seen little Johnny lately?!?”

-OM

Bathroom Rules for Men


The Buffer Zone – Guys this isn’t just a punchline for movies. The buffer zone exists. If you walk into the bathroom and there are six empty urinals and only one person is peeing don’t go stand right next to that person. That is just awkward and unless you are about to ask me if you can help me shake it… just weird.

If you don’t wash your hands – I will normally only shoot you a “wow you are a disgusting creature” look, but here is the catch. If later that afternoon you come by my desk and offer me a cookie or a Cheetoe I will reserve the right to not only give you a crazy look, but ALSO to inform you why I will never, ever share food with you. Ever!

Whimpering in the stall – I always assume that if I hear whimpers or weird moans that you are just having a “hard time” with it. That is cool and all, but we are men right? Cowboy the hell up and keep that noise to a -1 volume. No one wants to hear you in there even if the door is closed.

Throwing up in the sink – I don’t understand why you are not throwing up in the toilet, but OK! Let’s just give you the benefit of the doubt that whatever you ate has got to come up immediately. CLEAN THE FREAKING SINK! Especially if you are at work, not even the janitors deserve to clean up that crap.

Saying “Hi” in the restroom – Hellos and Goodbyes should be kept to a minimal in the restroom. There is nothing that important that we need to speak about and frankly my mind is set on a different goal.

Talking to me while I pee – Are you honestly trying to make me uncomfortable? Are you waiting to see if I will switch toilets… because I will! This isn’t musical chairs either, stay your talkative ass over there.

Come on guys these rules aren’t that hard. Stop making the peaceful comforts of the bathroom vanish.

-Opinionated Man

Why are you so angry?


I think we all develop a tone for our writing and mine is obviously an “overly” aggressive one. I assure you, although I have a feeling many don’t believe this, that I am not an angry person and I don’t walk around punching stop signs and kicking bunnies. I thought it would be fun though to list some things that actually do piss me off.

1. Being blamed for advantages I don’t have. One of the major topics I attack are feminist based accusations that “all men have this or that” and that “all men owe women this or that.” I don’t owe any woman anything except my wife and perhaps my adopted mother.

2. People that don’t wait their turn at four way stops. This might sound silly, but I drive a lot and I see people skip the line all the time. I hate line skippers wait your turn dammit!

3. “I don’t like what he says, but I visit his site occasionally.” I just don’t get this and never will.

4. An empty box of Snickers Ice cream Bars that is still in the freezer. That is like teasing me with sex. I literally turn into The Hulk when I find the empty box and I do indeed smash said box.

5. People that steal my writing. This has happened and I went into defcon 1. I also probably shot some friendlies in my pursuit of the enemy.

6. Real Housewives TV shows. I hate every single one of them. Yes, let me watch your rich, entitled ass walk around and make a fool of yourself. I don’t know what is worse the people in the show or the people that pay these “actors” to act like their ignorant selves.

7. Teen mom shows. I honestly hope these are banned by the time my daughters understand the garbage we place on the tube. Seriously when did it become “quality television” to watch a bunch of ignorant girls showing us exactly what poor parenting is? And the movie star persona they are given is just bullshit. I wonder how many young women in America have uttered the words “well if I get pregnant I will just audition for Teen Mom.” A damn shame America.

8. Obama

9. Hillary Clinton

10. People that leave one sheet on the toilet paper roll and don’t replace it. How lazy are you? My ass thanks you.

11. People that tell me to calm down. YOU CALM DOWN!

-OM

Dear New Readers – A Few Random Things


First I want to say thank you to the new readers that have taken the time to drop by and visit the site. I appreciate your time and I hope you find something either amusing, informative, or helpful here. Below are a few things I want to point out.

1. I stand by all my relationship advice. If things go badly while following them then YOU did something wrong. Or you misread.

2. My blog posts are “general” and not directed towards anyone unless you see your name or username. Does anyone here actually think I am scared to name someone if I feel like it? Really??? Interesting… Please don’t take offense unless offense is warranted by my posts or I kick your virtual dog.

3. Yes it is REALLY only one person writing this website regardless of what you may have heard. I’ll say the same thing by email… but you can still send that email if you want.

4. I never assume anyone will read everything on my website. My hope is that people will pick and choose what they wish to read and skip over the things they don’t. That is the freedom of choice we all have on the internet. Use it, skip it, or do what makes you happy.

5. Many people respond randomly on my website to “other bloggers.” Before you fly off the handle thinking I have attacked you… check the email and name. It is most likely not me.

6. If you reblog or post things directly about my website I reserve the same right to do likewise. That isn’t a threat, it is called equal opportunity.

7. I am not above a tantrum, rant, or name calling. I am only obligated to be an adult in front of my children and luckily they can’t read yet.

8. You can complain about me in the WordPress forums if you like. Just add it to all the other complaint threads.

9. I host guest authors when I can, but I don’t hold that as an obligation. If I decide to add you as one and you become a pain in the ass guess what happens? No really… guess.

-OM

9 Reasons Not to Sue Opinionated Man


Don’t hate me for using third person above. I couldn’t help it.

1. Capture

 

2. Although the Cushman family traces its lineage to David Cushman who came over with the Mayflower our family fortune went into golf carts and property. Unfortunately I have never been invited to the investors meetings… but I am holding out hope I am the illegitimate son of someone rich out there! Hopefully not Kim Jong-un.

3. You won’t find me! I am changing my name to Chang and moving to China! Good luck!

4. I can’t afford a lawyer so I would have to defend myself in court. I guarantee it would turn into a circus that no one, you included, would want to observe. Trust me on that.

5. My wife will beat me.

6. If I fail to pay and have to go to jail I would look awful in an orange jumpsuit. Yellow and orange really don’t go well together.

7. They don’t serve kimchi in prison. Don’t send me there… that would be hell.

8. If you sue me I may die laughing. While that sounds like a pleasant way to “go out” my kids would just be baffled and confused. “You mean daddy actually died laughing?…”

9. I would have to take a second job to pay off the debt. The only other thing I am qualified to do is make French Fries and I really don’t want to do that again.

-Opinionated Man