10 Ways to Get New Followers


1. Stalk them online for months until you know everything about them. Then one day drop the bomb. Comment on their post, but tie everything in that they have ever said for the past year into one paragraph. You will impress the shit out of them… or scare the living shit out of them. Who wouldn’t love that?

2. Ask for help every day on every post. People LOVE to be helpful. It works seriously.

3. Naked photo of self or hotter self.

4. Pretend to be a little younger than you are and if you are really old a lot younger than you are.

5. Don’t tell people you have kids. I torture my readers with pictures of my kids all the time only because I am mean as hell.

6. Steal pictures off the internet of new locations so it looks like you travel the world every day. Be sure and include a new car, bottles of champagne, and hot women of course.

7. Pretend to be dying.

8. Battle a shark, youtube it, and lose.

9. Write offensive material that no one should give a shit about, but they probably all will.

10. Just tell us about your day. No one else is living that day but you so someone will find it interesting.

-OM

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10 Ways to Make an Asian Angry


1. Walk up to a random Asian in a lobby with food and ask if that is your order.

2. When we roll out for gang vengeance you give everyone guns. You then hand me a pair of throwing stars with a look of confidence.

3. You keep calling me Japanese. I am Korean…

4. You imply I came to this country by boat when I actually swam.

5. Every year you invite me to the “Chinese New Years Festival” in town. For the last time! I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THE CHINESE NEW YEARS!!!

6. You spend the first five minutes of every meal attempting to use chopsticks and succeeding in sending rice flying everywhere before you give up.

7. Don’t assume you know our age. “When I was your age” has been said to me countless times only to find out I am older than that fucking person.

8. Our skin is just smooth. Don’t ask me what “products” I use. Normally I bath in unicorn blood.

9. I don’t know why my eyes are so small. I call them natural shades. Did God scare you and that is why your eyes are so wide?

10. Don’t ask me what martial arts I know. Just assume I know them all.

-Opinionated Man

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10 Ways to Defeat Racism!


1. Have all the whites be owned by the blacks for a few years to even the score. And then black and white racism is officially over right?

2. Finally admit that everyone is really an “other.” The last “purest” was Hitler apparently.

3. Start classifying people by eye color instead.

4. Hope the aliens arrive faster to unite us all.

5. Legalize marijuana around the globe. It is really hard to hate when you are high as shit.

6. Ban the word “racism.” Every time someone uses the word we get to kick them in the nuts or where the nuts should be.

7. Take everyone’s “race card” and exchange them for library cards. People will benefit in the long run.

8. Cut every human in the world and prove we indeed bleed the same color red.

9. Encourage student exchange programs so people can truly feel what it is like to be a REAL minority in another country.

10. Drop every moron flying a confederate flag in Colorado into the middle of South Parkway in Memphis, TN. See how cool their trendy pride is then.

Goodbye Racism! :)

-OM

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10.1 Things That Make Me Happy


1. When random people die at the end of movies. It makes me wonder how they pissed off the director.

2. Knowing that the world now knows TOM BRADY IS A FUCKING CHEATER!

3. Watching Peyton Manning throw a touchdown.

4. Drinking a beer during football season while watching Peyton Manning throwing a touchdown and everyone around us knows TOM BRADY IS A FUCKING CHEATER and I could give a fuck less if this is a run on sentence own it!!!

5. Knowing they are coming soon.

6. Being around large groups of feminists.

7. Knowing that a gang of angry babies with Super Soaker Heavenly 2000s are waiting for everyone that was pro-choice when they arrive in “heaven”…

8. Judging people.

9. Being able to tell a customer “no.”

10. Watching executives get fired.

.1 Again. Tom Brady. Cheater. New England Patriots.

-Opinionated Man

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10 Things Not to Say to an Asian


  1. -Do your parents speak English? No, they kind of wave their arms around and point at things while grunting.
  2. So do you like eat rice every day? So do you like eat fat every day?
  3. When did you come to this country? How do you know I wasn’t born here?
  4. Do you eat Asian food? While assuming we eat every type of Asian food you can think of IS annoying… also asking us obvious questions such as this one is pretty lame as well.
  5. Is that your dad? (points at random Asian man) No, is that your dad? (points at the first person he sees… man or woman.)
  6. Do you celebrate Chinese New Year’s? Do I look Chinese? Wait… don’t answer that. I SAID DON’T ANSWER THAT!
  7. Could you suggest a good Asian restaurant to go to? Sure, try The Drunken Chinese Chopstick Eating Dragon Wonton. I hear it is excellent!
  8. Go back to your country! If I did that who would do your math homework?
  9. What is the easiest Asian language to take for college credit… I just want to pass! Chinese is so easy and takes little effort. Go and be a star!
  10. Can you show me real quick how to use these chopsticks? How about I show you how to use a fork instead… deal?

-OM

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Blogging 101 – Blogging Phrases to Know


“I really enjoyed your article! I wrote a “somewhat” similar post which you can find at http://ThisPostHasNothingAtAllToDoWithYours.com. Thanks again for blogging almost as good as me.”

Basically this is link dropping. The person hasn’t really read your post, perhaps the first sentence only. They just want to try and steal a little of your limelight while your post is currently at the top of other people’s Readers.

“Yet _____”

Any commenter that begins their comment with the word “yet” is about to say some complete horse shit. It might smell good, but it will still be horse shit. Yet they will still say it because they must.

“God said ____”

The Jesus freaks will flay you with these sentences and they follow the scent of blood. Much like any other predator. Be wary of the sentence that begins with “God said ____” because it will normally be followed by a direct quote from the bible… that you could have read by just reading the bible…

“Your SEO is off in a few areas.”

Any SEO marketer that starts the conversation with these words isn’t worth a dime. Don’t pay these people money for worthless lessons on traffic management through blogging and online media. Stop fueling this insane industry people! I share for free my views on blogging HERE. Feel free to read them for no money asked.

“I had a friend once who ___”

The commenter found your post likeable and is about to search desperately for some way to further connect with your words by creating an unrelatable relation to your story. These are always long drawn out back and forth commenting joust sessions that general end with awkward “good byes.”

“Hi I am (insert nationality here) too! Nice to meet you, let’s be BBFFL!” (That is Best Blogging Friends For Life in case you didn’t know)

I generally tell these people to pump the brakes and don’t touch me. People really need to find online cultural dating sites…

“I am glad you are excited about your follower count BUT write for you! Don’t take away from your writing by caring about silly numbers!”

This is said by bloggers that have nothing better to do than to find other bloggers happy about their accomplishments and attempting to bring them down. They don’t see value in their own stats so they don’t want you to either. These bloggers are sad because they claim to care only about writing and yet spend their time commenting on the very articles they claim to not care about.

-OM

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