10 Signs of a Bad Day


1. You yell out a complaint about being short at 5’10” and then turn around and run into a midget convention. They are not happy.

2. Instead of your caramel macchiato you get served a mocha nasty latte. That is always a sign of a bad day.

3. You hit every red light on the way to work. Apparently god hates you.

4. You walk out the door to work and run over a Jehovah ’s Witness.

5. Your Ex from five years ago calls you and immediately says “we need to talk.”

6. You read a post about “10 signs of a bad day” and you recognize a few of the signs from your own day!

7. You open it and there is nothing there.

8. You order a camel and it has no humps.

9. A polar bear calls you and informs you that someone has peed on your igloo and there is now a new door. This only happens in Canada.

10. You show up for a blind date and “Cindy” has an Adam’s apple.

-OM

10 Reasons People Hate Me


  1. I don’t recycle. I just don’t… and I really could care less about the animals in the ocean. In fact it might be safer without them.
  2. People handing out advertisements or Girl Scout Cookies will sometimes receive what they think is “Korean” back. I actually don’t speak Korean… but it has sounded believable for 20 years.
  3. Sometimes I pretend to be asleep so people will go away. It is amazing how quickly a person will become bored with you if you are audibly snoring.
  4. I don’t move over for bikers of any kind and I don’t consider your oversized toy a car. This will probably never change.
  5. If you ask me my nationality I will many times tell you a random Asian country. It is because I am an asshole.
  6. I mumble a lot and then play it off by staring into space. When you stare into space people get uncomfortable and generally leave you alone…
  7. I will purposefully stop traffic to give to a homeless person if I see tons of cars pass them. Yes this is “reactive charity” but it is also the point of being bothered by the coldness of society.
  8. I don’t speak Spanish and never plan to. I also don’t think a person should have to speak Spanish to live in America. If everyone isn’t required to speak Korean (which wouldn’t make a bad law) then there should be no similar requirement for ANY language other than English in this great nation.
  9. I never say “Bless You” when someone sneezes. The silence is sometimes audible after such an occurrence… as if god is waiting for me to say it. I will, however, sometimes say “Devil Be Gone” and splash fake holy water on them.
  10. I don’t do “ice breakers.” To me an ice breaker is a single glass of Macallan 25 and ZERO human contact.

-OM

10 Things Not to Say to an Asian


  1. Do your parents speak English? No, they kind of wave their arms around and point at things while grunting.
  2. So do you like eat rice every day? So do you like eat fat every day?
  3. When did you come to this country? How do you know I wasn’t born here?
  4. Do you eat Asian food? While assuming we eat every type of Asian food you can think of IS annoying… also asking us obvious questions such as this one is pretty lame as well.
  5. Is that your dad? (points at random Asian man) No, is that your dad? (points at the first person he sees… man or woman.)
  6. Do you celebrate Chinese New Year’s? Do I look Chinese? Wait… don’t answer that. I SAID DON’T ANSWER THAT!
  7. Could you suggest a good Asian restaurant to go to? Sure, try The Drunken Chinese Chopstick Eating Dragon Wonton. I hear it is excellent!
  8. Go back to your country! If I did that who would do your math homework?
  9. What is the easiest Asian language to take for college credit… I just want to pass! Chinese is so easy and takes little effort. Go and be a star!
  10. Can you show me real quick how to use these chopsticks? How about I show you how to use a fork instead… deal?

Nine Reasons being Asian is Awesome


1) I can walk to the park and start swinging my arms around and claim it is some form of martial arts when it isn’t and people will join in.

2) My eyes are so small I don’t really need shades. I buy them anyways because they make me look badass.

3) If I am ever lost in the woods I can create a fire with the chopsticks I always have with me.

4) I throw my hands at people like I am throwing a fireball and people actually get scared. Thank you Hollywood.

5) If someone has a problem with their cell phone I can normally take it, look at it for a few minutes, tell them they need a new one, and still look smart.

6) When people ask me math questions they believe me when I quickly say an answer, any answer, and hopefully they don’t realize it till they are down the hall.

7) If someone is about to approach me that I really don’t like I pull my cell phone out and start yelling “what sounds like Korean.” I don’t personally speak Korean, but no one wants to bother an angry Korean man.

8) I can drink anyone under the table in shots of Soju.

9) We look really young until the day we grow old. On that day we are as old as we are going to be till we die…

-OM

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These People Should NOT Read My Blog


I created a list of people that shouldn’t follow my blog. This was prompted by a comment by one of you. I will number these to make it easier to digest.

  1. I don’t think depressive people should follow my blog. I have struggled with depression myself throughout my life and you know what happens when two depressives get together right? Ice cream, Sex in the City reruns, and boxes of tissue right?
  2. People that are easily offended shouldn’t follow my blog. I have said this repeatedly and even have a nice tagline as a warning…. And still people think I am joking. It amazes me!
  3. North Koreans and possibly the Chinese. I know I make a lot of jokes at the expense of other Asians. I would apologize… but that would just be a lie.
  4. Dennis Rodman – Dennis if you are reading my blog get the hell out of here asshole and go back to North Korea!
  5. People that have had an abortion probably will hate my blog. I get that and I wish you the best. I won’t change my words or views simply because there are “nice people” out there that have made mistakes. I have done bad things as well and I expect judgment for them.
  6. Trolls or groupies – I am not wealthy. I am married. I have a wife and two kids. There will never be an “I love you” in a message from me. Some of the emails I have received lately strongly suggest that some people have not read my bio. Read my bio. 2014 is the year of the anti-troll system. It is working so far.
  7. Clown lovers – I really hate clowns. I really do.
  8. Ultra-Religious Types – I am going to guess that my blog and views on religion won’t fly with most people.  I am ok with that… are you?
  9. If you hate generalizations – you will hate this blog.
  10. Feminist – Now I personally don’t think I have done anything to offend the feminist in the world of WordPress. Unfortunately the memo has been sent out that OM is a misogynist bastard. At least they got the bastard part right. To the feminist I have offended so far I have two words. Opinionated Man.
  11. Patriots Fans – If you love the Patriots and Tom Brady you probably will hate my blog. If you don’t… I will try harder.
  12. Real Writers and Authors – I know my punctuation and grammar suck. You probably want to save yourself the torture and just read a Tom Clancy novel or something… I get a mental image of “real authors” reading my blog and *snorting* saying “why the hell does this guy have so many followers?” Ouch…
  13. Poets – My poetry isn’t really poetry. It is more like random lines made to rhyme. I am certain this annoys real poets; you may want to just skip my blog.
  14. Serious Sussies (This is not referring to a real person) – Super serious people might want to read CNN instead. My blog is awash with lame, humorous jokes that most people don’t find funny other than me. It is like a comedic hell in here!
  15. Freshly Pressed Staff – I make fun of your choices a lot. You probably don’t want to hear me bash your hard work, but sometimes I can’t help it. Margaret Cho is the most “progressive” Korean-American??? REALLY??? UGH…

At least it has been said so if you do choose to stick around… well you have been warned.

-OM

10 Alternatives to the “Sex Talk”


1. If you have too much fun in college they give you these. Yea… they really suck the fun out of you.

2. If you allow girls to hug you too tightly you end up having children. I would just not touch them at all if I were you son.

3. After dating exactly 8 months and 9 days women have babies. They just have them. It is an act of god. You may want to rethink that long term relationship till after your schooling is done.

4. You kids can play on the beach, but don’t go into the ocean until the grown ups do. If you swim in the ocean you might get pregnant.

5. Are you sure you want to drink alcohol? Drinking too much alcohol can cause you to have kids.

6. Don’t date boys. If they fart on you they can cause you to become pregnant.

7. If you don’t make it into college your body becomes depressed and you have children. You better study hard!

8. Storks have been known to drop off babies at random. That is why daddy shoots them down with his shotgun on the back porch.

9. If people are too happy or too sad they become pregnant. A nice median is always the key to blissful quietness.

10. That is a good question daughter. You see when other women with babies come around women without babies they guilt those people into having more responsibility when honestly they could do without anymore pooping, peeing, crying individuals around the house. Other people cause people to have babies.