Author Archives: Opinionated Man

A Nod to Poe

How sweet is the tender touch as I caress your every limb.

Our lips meet and thoughts collide on each and every sin.

Even as I take you into my warm embrace.

I smother the image by destroying your very grace.

Transforming now our reality to fantasy.

Pain brings the passion to ecstasy.

You shudder, I feel you tremor to your bones.

A sweet sensation adding to the quiet undertones.

Softly now, gently I lay you down.

I board you up inside with the golden crown.

And there dies the buried light.

Another name, another dove takes flight.

Jason C. Cushman

-OM

Apply To Be My Friend

You must fill out the survey to apply to be my friend. Failure to finish the survey will disqualify you.

1 – During an alien invasion who would you save first? Your family or me?

2 – A zombie has bitten me and I need you to cut off my limb before I turn into one. Would you do it? Would you then give me your arm so I can have two again. Obviously I would need the corresponding limb.

3 – Superman has decided to kick my ass for some reason and is looking for me. Would you agree to switch identities… temporarily of course. I can’t imagine you surviving that.

4 – Women are chasing me with knives and bats. Would you fly a helicopter above me and save me?

5 – There is one last donut left. Do you eat it or offer it to me? Do you eat it and pretend it wasn’t there even though I saw it and watched you eat it in front of me…

6 – I break my toe. Would you carry me across mountains, hills, deserts, and a river or two to get me to a hospital and save me?

7 – My Camry has an issue. Can you fix it? It really does have an issue.

8 – If you found Narnia would you leave it to come and get me even if there was a chance you couldn’t return? No? Selfish!

9 – Will you agree to “like” and “smiley” every update I make for the rest of our existence?

Please feel free to leave your responses below or simply let me know you qualify to be my friend. That would be great.

-Opinionated Man

@smokendust

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My Degree

I feel like people keep challenging my well thought out relationship advice and my degree from the Intergalactic Academy of Women so I took a photo of it.


If it looks like it was written in crayon that is due to the pixelation of your computer monitor. I highly suggest getting it replaced and maybe buying Samsung or LG. Support your local Korean. The person writing the degree was having some trouble with their hand so they had someone else finish. That signature at the bottom… well you don’t want to mess with her.

I hope this lays to rest any suspicion over the accuracy and professional relevance of my posts dealing with women and relationships. Thank you for reading.
-Opinionated Man

@smokendust

Trickle

Trickle down broken crown.
My dreams seem to run.
Passing by without a sound.
From the sun they run.
Terrors of the night my friend.
Good things weren’t meant to be.
Terrors of the night are sent.
I run but cannot flee.
They say to wish upon a star,
But all the stars are taken.
Wishes and dreams they seem so far.
Maybe they were mistaken.
Jason
44.1

Florida 

I’ll be in Florida soon. The waves remind me of Korea.

Blogging Me

I am not ashamed to show my shame. To show my humanity in the daylight where the world can judge me. To feel ashamed of being human is a shame in itself. We can only be what we were created to be. I will not spend my life fighting who I am. That is not a way to live. That is not living.

I am blogging me because no one else will. No one else will ever care to share with you my singular thoughts of the moment except for I. I move my pen because I want to. Because I feel myself being moved by my desire to experience emotion. Pushing some thoughts aside so that my spirit never dies. I examine my life while living it, while being me.

What moves you in this world? What will stay your hand? Will you allow the world to forget your name or will you force the world to acknowledge your existence daily… by blogging you.

Blogging me because it was meant to be. Because I am worth the effort.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

44.1

@smokendust

Women are Crazy (The way to lose your female readers)

This is not a relationship blog, but occasionally I will write about and share some revolutionary facts that I discover in my life. Here is one fact that I would love to write about (but not discuss) women are crazy. I would go so far as to say “most” women are crazy and the funny part is they make sense to each other. That really is the kicker, because women can understand the craziness in one another, they then do not consider themselves crazy. Impeccable logic to be sure, it is hard to debate evidence so sound.

Women pick arguments on purpose. The only time men pick arguments on purpose is if we do not like someone, we are drunk, there is a Raider’s fan in the room, or we decide to act macho in front of our woman. Men do not often argue just to argue, do you know why ladies? We are lazy and it is hard to watch Sportscenter AND drink a beer while you argue. Ok, so why is women arguing so crazy? Because of the reason they do it, women argue and pick fights with men “to test their relationship.” That is the whole “if the rubber band breaks” concept that women are working on. They obviously haven’t heard of the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” concept that men love.

Women ask questions that they know the answers to. Guys, they still expect an answer. And God help you if the answer is not politically and socially correct. You may want to bring a cue card with a few facts and pointers to back up your answer, though those facts will help very little if your answer is different from hers. These actions by women can also be tests; you know those random pop quizzes we hated in school, well now we get them in marriage and long term relationships. Your girlfriend or wife has just become the teacher from hell.

Women really don’t care about your opinion most the time. You know “they” say that a good conversation is good dialogue between the two participants. Whoever “they” were, “they” were obviously not talking to a woman. A woman does not want your input on a topic she has already decided upon. You are allowed a couple head nods, a few confirmation noises (to let her know you are still listening), and a really big “you are absolutely right honey” near the end. That is all that is required, or better yet necessary, to successfully navigate through a conversation with a woman. One last thing, if you even dare to talk about a subject she knows nothing about just give up, women quickly grow bored with topics that don’t interest them. Notice the way she “sighs” and glances around the room every five minutes, those are your hints.

Give up trying to keep up with your wife or girlfriend’s social drama, whether at work or with her friends. Never side with Becky, her hated arch-rival, unless Becky is going to let you sleep on her couch. Do not dare and sympathize with Helga, her dictator of a boss, or your soup might taste a bit off tonight. If your wife is on Facebook just be prepared for monthly breakdowns and breakups. I think women came up with the term “BFF” so they could have one more thing to break up with in this world. Women are crazy.

-Opinionated Man

Jason C. Cushman

@smokendust

For Males Only – “Women are EASY to Understand”

I see a lot of articles by both men and women claiming that “women are hard to understand.” Why do people find women so complex and difficult to decipher? I figured it was my duty to provide some basic pieces of information for those “lost souls” that cannot understand the opposite sex. You may thank me later world.

Women want a manly man. They want a guy that can rundown a bull and belt out poetry while fighting bad guys with one hand. One tip I hand to men is to always carry a whistle on a date. This isn’t a “rape whistle,” but in fact a “notice me asshole Taxi Driver” whistle! Nothing is more emasculating than franticly trying to wave down a taxi and getting passed by time and time again. Then the woman raises a pinky and “WALLAH” your chariot has arrived! I have solved this problem by carrying a whistle because I can’t do the cool “two finger technique” from the movies. Instead I will blow the shit out of that whistle and hope to impress the woman with my large, bulging red cheeks. You know what they say about large cheeks right…

Men understand that women like flashy things and “the moment.” I have found a way to make ANY moment special. I walk around with a pocket full of glitter and will spontaneously shout “PRESTO” while throwing a handful in the air. The only time this fails to impress is if you happen to be dating a circus performer… they generally expect a second act.

Many females like active and athletic men. I am lazy and get tired just thinking about running, however, I have solved this silly expectation by pretending to get ready to “work out” multiple times a week. I never actually do anything, but the glamour of seeing me “warrior up” normally does the trick. If that fails I MAY do a couple of pushups if the gravitational pull of the earth feels particularly weak.

Apparently women think that men don’t clean… or cook. Men are also really lazy when it comes to remembering when we did it last during arguments. I have solved this issue by creating a Facebook page called “Look honey I did the dishes.” Providing an easily referenced source for women to ponder over BEFORE the argument will always benefit you in the long run. I suggest secondary and third sites for cooking and chores which we men “don’t do ever.”

I don’t understand why guys give up so easily in fights. I know the enemy is cunning and will use loose historical fact to back their attacks. This can easily be repelled, however, by simply never admitting anything. “Did you eat my leftovers from last night?” Nope, no idea what you are talking about… maybe it was the dog…“We don’t have a dog…” Are you sure we don’t have a dog? I have seen many dogs today. You see what I did there men? It isn’t lying if there is enough truth to make it float. If all else fails… use the backup plan and throw glitter in the air and run.

-Opinionated Man

 

For Men Only – Relationship Advice on “Space”

As the world continues to battle the issue of equality each day there is one front of this war that men lost a long time ago. There is a land of possible organization and storage where drawers and hanger space are divvy up by the hand of inequality. A place where men are given a drawer for one year, half the drawer the next, and asked to vacate the premises the following year. There will be no rhyme or reason for it and the enemy will claim “space” as the reason behind your displacement. Even if “new space” is introduced to the equation somehow it always equates to no space for you as a man.

If you have ever had a live in girlfriend, fiance, or part-time wife you will know the mythical land I speak of. The land of the “closet” became a myth the moment a certain group lied about its purpose. The closet does exist, it simply doesn’t have anything to offer the male portion of society. We are instead given a drawer that if we are lucky is wooden and in a dresser. Generally it is plastic and easily moved though.

When you buy a home with a woman one of the areas of concern for her is closet and storage space particularly in the bedroom. It is amusing how quickly a closet that “has everything she wants” becomes “too small to contain her needs.” What needs are usually gotten rid of first men? Why your needs, the male of the relationship. I caution you men not to take it personally and in many cases it is not personal. It is genetic and genetically it makes sense to women. Don’t bother arguing equality or making banners for a stubborn picket line in front of these closets. Somehow the issue will always be turned against you and somehow you will be colored as selfish as you unselfishly move your things out of her domain. Like I said it was a lost cause, a lost war a long time ago. Fight another battle men.

-Opinionated Man

@smokendust

For Men Only – Stopping Arguments

You might be amazed at the amount of us men that run right into the bear traps that women set for us. Make no mistake men the enemy is cunning and there really is no rule for when the game is played. Women have been known to try and catch you sleeping… while you are trying to go to sleep. Here are some tried and trusted ways out of an argument. I hope they serve you well.

1 – Act Sad. You can even stop the argument dead in its tracks by saying “I am feeling sad.” Or better yet “I am feeling depressed.” It helps if you make a sad face too and watch as lighting strikes them dead in their tracks. Suddenly you might need a sandwich and a nap. A game of golf might help as well.

2 – If you are ever late to meet her somewhere get her on the phone and lead her into the “how was your day” conversation. We often forget that these conversations can take roughly 37 minutes and that should be more than enough time to get you where you need to be. If you need longer than that ask her how her mother is doing.

3 – Tell her Billy died. Or Samier. Whoever, just someone from college that you’ll never “accidently” run into. If you do happen to run into your “dead” friend in town together be sure and fall to your knees crying “Lord it’s a miracle!!!”

4 – Lock yourself in the bathroom. Be sure and take your Nintendo 3DS with you.

5 – Pretend you can’t see her. Call her name, look confused, walk around her, and walk out of the room.

6 – Pick a smaller argument. You know if you can’t win the war you can always decide to lose a smaller battle. Maybe decide that is a good time to tell her about that broken statue.

7 – Religion normally works to some degree. Suggest going to church and you can get out of most medium sized arguments.

8 – I would never suggest setting fire to your home. There are some instances though where a small fire might get you out of a major, code red argument. I could think of a few. Again… not suggesting that you set fire to your home. But if one werrrrrrrrrrre to then there would definitely be strategic advantages that would coincide with certain times in a person’s life. As long as you can put it out and be the hero of course. People love heroes.

9 – That last one kind of stole this one, but you can always save something. If you save anything that is worth at least a few weeks of peace.

10 – Speak a foreign language… even if you don’t know a foreign language. Then walk out of the room and maybe don’t come back for a few hours. Or days.

-OM