Guest Post – The Cycle of Abuse: Will I End it or let it Continue?

I was 10 years old when my father passed away. That’s what they called it. I knew the truth though I was there when it happened. He shot himself with a gun. That doesn’t sound much like “passing” to me. I think passing sounds easy and pain-free. I can’t imagine that what he did was either of those things.

10 years old. I had never been to a friend’s birthday party. I had never had a boyfriend. I had never been kissed and I had never understood how final death was. What I had experienced was a childhood of abuse from a step-mother who had hated me from the moment she first saw me. I had been dragged screaming and choking on my own tears behind a car, I had been locked in closets for endless time, I had been humiliated more than I had ever smiled, I had been beaten until my flesh became an almost permanent blue, my head struggled to re-grow hair where she had yanked what little I had from it. My world was one of darkness. It seemed like my destiny was not to ever be one of happiness or love.

10 years old and all I had ever wanted was for my father to see the truth that was right in front of him. I cried every night and hid any place that I could find. My solace only came when I went unnoticed. Neglect was much more preferable to the attention I had always received. 10 years old and he made a choice that didn’t include me. He chose to opt out with his “passing” and to leave me in a world that was nothing like the one I had always known. His death ate into my hope and it left me hungry for something that I knew I would never be able to have.

I waded through years of grief and it took so long for me to come out of that grief because no one would talk. No one would say what had happened and no one would acknowledge the life that I had lived. My father left. He died. He passed away, but that wasn’t the whole truth. My father committed suicide. He killed himself. He left his child alone and chose to go. Years after and I still didn’t understand. My memories faded from my mind but I was left with the horror of everything still etched into my soul.

I tried to move forward but I was suffering and no one would say a word. I saw the pity in their faces but I wasn’t allowed to speak about the things that had happened. What had happened? What happened? I was depressed and from there I turned to suicidal. I was walking through his very path and no one could see it. No one noticed because they wouldn’t speak. I was a child in body but I had not been a child for a long time. The child had been beaten out of me and now I wanted to know. I wanted to understand and I wanted to speak myself.

Suicide is a life altering event. It affects all types of people every day. Yet we know so little about it and part of the reason for that is that so many people don’t know how to talk about it. Some people don’t want to talk about it. I wanted to know that it wasn’t my fault. I wanted to find my own peace. It took me 12 years to realize my own value and even today I still suffer with depression. I will never know a life that does not involve depression. Perhaps that would have always been my path, but I want to tell others that there is hope.

I am here today. I am alive. I survived years of abuse as a child. I survived the ultimate form of abandonment. I made it in one piece. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am so much more than what I was born into and you are too. You do not have to be alone. You do not have to be afraid. We do not have to let it continue without trying to make a difference.

I will always suffer through days in my life, but I can also find the joy in the small moments. I am grateful that I am alive today because I would have missed so many things that have mended my broken heart.

Thank You for Reading.

Susie Reece find me at my personal blog site

30 thoughts on “Guest Post – The Cycle of Abuse: Will I End it or let it Continue?

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. I am thankful that you have survived. We have 6 adopted kids and we are still picking up the pieces of their past abuse but they are going to survive too!


    • It can be more than hard at times but realizing your worth and that you can have a life after pain can honestly help. Good luck with all of your children. You are wonderful for what you are doing.


      • I think our daughter has such a hard time because she would rather live in her past……… she’s 14 her bio mom died in Jan and she just can’t let things stay in the past ……..


        • I’m sure that her death has probably re-opened feelings and being a teenager is very difficult too. You feel like an adult but you’re not one at all. Have you tried counseling or anything? I know it took myself a long time to understand and move on with my feelings. I was in my early twenties before I did.


          • She was in counseling for years but it was a waste of time except for a short period of time. All but one therapist let her manipulate them and it was just a game. Reactive Attachment Disorder really complicates things. All of this just started happening and her therapist is supposed to be reading up on RAD. She does see a psychiatrist every 2 months. Lots of horrible repressed memories…… her mom was selling her……


          • Oh yes. That is traumatizing. I’m so sorry. It sounds like you are doing your best to help. Don’t give up. She isn’t use to having people love her and she will have a difficult time letting anyone love her for a long while. It’s sad what happens when children lose trust. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.


          • Thank you ….. yes she will get there. We never could understand why her RAD was more severe than our oldest son because his abuse was so much more severe but we had no ideal everyone she trusted hurt her including 2 foster homes …….this is just a huge bump in the road.


          • Well you will get there. She will eventually learn that she can count on you to be there for her. Really that’s what we are all looking for. Someone that we can lean on and that will be there when the time comes.


          • She knows that…….we had two great years with her but when she reconnected to one of her bio sisters she didn’t have that trust with her. And as her sister broke promises that she was coming to see her or would call her she was scared she would lose her. She got violent again and I let her go stay with her for a few weeks. That did help her but then sister started the same thing but now we’ve found out another side to her sister and she knows she can’t go stay with her so she seems to be settling down I’m just not ready to let my guard down but she will get there.


          • Don’t let your guard down. There is nothing wrong with that either. You are being pragmatic and cautious. You sound like you are doing an amazing job. One day she will be thankful.


  2. I am a survivor as well. I never thought I would be able to get through the horrors of my childhood but I am beginning to live the life I have always deserved. By sharing my story, I continue to defeat shame. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to know we are not alone.


  3. Thank you for sharing. The worse thing is that is the offending part(ies) think that what they did is perfectly normal, and they would “gaslight” you whenever it is brought up. I’m still in the thick of it, and still haven’t quite escaped on my own yet, but because of this I may just share my own stories. I’m glad to see that one person has moved on and up because of their experiences. Again thank you.


    • Thank you! Overcoming is difficult because it is a PROCESS. First you have to allow yourself to overcome. So many people can’t get past the first step. Please share your stories when you are ready. The world needs more strength and hope. I am glad you enjoyed this and I am sorry for your circumstance but that is all that it has to be. You have a power within you and you can change your situation in time. Good luck and be well.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Amen to coming through it better. You may have lost some things along the way, but hopefully you’re better for it. I totally understand the cycle of abuse and starting the process of forgiveness. It’s a tough process to go through but it’s worth it when you’ve come through the fire better and brighter.


  5. Thank you for your honesty. I guess you never get over the violence and negligence from childhood, but instead learn ways to deal with the permanent scars it has made on your soul. Some days the scars seem like the only thing there is. Like the scars define you. But from experience I know that´s not the case even though all feelings and thoughts beg to differ. I´m having one of those suffering days and it felt good to read your blog.


  6. Abuse in any form is hard to deal with but those of us who come out of it a better person and do not use it as a constant crutch or excuse for a settling future we are the true heros for ourself. Keep moving forward brave soul!


  7. This is a great post. Well written and emotionally engaging. There is hope for days without depression. I have experienced them myself. They have gotten more frequent and medication helps. It is not weakness to use medication to help. I found it was weakness to refuse and make everyone around me miserable. Just saying from my perspective. I just want you to know it does fade but never goes away. As horrible as it sounds it may have ended making you stronger than you realize.


  8. This is so beautifully written. I can’t imagine the bravery it took to put this story into words and then share it with others. Thank you.


  9. Wow well said. I too have a past of abuse and I survived and I think have learned to thrive. This is what those who are recovering need to hear. There is life after abuse, and it can be good. A great post. Well done you.


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