Guest Post – Introducing Alexander the Grunt: Part 1 of 3

When I wake up I’ll need my diaper changed. While you’re at it go ahead and strip down the bed and clean it too because for some reason I stink worse than any baby should. Now let me take my bath but don’t actually bathe me or I will grunt at you like a wild hog. When I give you the signal get me out of the tub and I mean now. You’ll know the signal when you hear it.

Alright now you’ve got about 20 minutes before I require my breakfast. During this time I expect to be in my walker running into the back of your heel because I know you love that feeling. You can make my brother his breakfast but you should be quick about it.

If I hear you blending my food then your time is up. You know the drill you feed me as fast as you can and I’ll grunt until I turn red from not breathing if I don’t think you’re feeding me fast enough. I expect my breakfast will be served room temperature and no warmer or I shall not eat it. I will take 2 servings and you will not pause in between or you will get a scolding.

After breakfast I expect you to feed me a bottle. Although I don’t actually plan on eating it. I still want it and you will provide it to me. Hold me while I look around in my food stupor. Don’t worry I’ll touch your face sweetly a couple of times so you know you’ve done well so far. Then I’ll smack you once to keep you in check.

So far so good. You can now let me play with all of my toys. I do mean all though. So get to finding them quickly. I have things to do and can’t wait on you all day. Now I will lie on my stomach and attack all of the toys for about 20 minutes. At this time you are allowed to attend to my brother.

I’ve decided that you’ve given him enough attention. You should now hold me for 15 minutes while I cry for no reason. Thank you. Alright I will now finish the bottle I didn’t want earlier.

Now it is my play time again. I will be occupied for about 30 minutes. Do not disturb me I have work to do.

Now you will take me to my nap. My bed had better be cleaned at this time. Also I don’t want to sleep so I will scream at you for about 5-10 minutes until I realize that I DO in fact want to sleep. I will see you again in 30 minutes. Enjoy your free time woman. We shall resume shortly…


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Susie Reece

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