One of the most trying periods for males is “the moment of the breakup.” Now I understand that women also breakup with men, but I can’t really speak on their behalf. I would hate to try and talk on a topic I wasn’t clearly an expert on…
I feel it is my duty to provide men out there with some tried and true methods of “parting ways” with a woman. These will help you to keep your sanity and your nerve because it is that moment of uncertainty that will cause a bad decision that will result in a lifetime of unhappiness. For both parties involved. All of these options won’t be available to you, not all of us own horses, but the ones that do I encourage you to try some of these. Putting a video of it on Youtube.com is also a great idea. Here are some ideas for “safe” ways of breaking up with a woman.
I believe the safest method of approaching a woman is in a full suit of armor and on a very fast horse. Preferably one of those Spanish horses I always hear about. In this situation we are approaching the woman not as a possible bride, but as a potential fire breathing woman who might snap upon being presented the banner of truce. I consider breaking up a “truce” because each party is free to go their merry way. I am speaking only of dating here and not marriage, obviously. The armor is in case the woman tries to stab you. Now you laugh, but do you know the type of man that gets stabbed? The one that stupidly broke up with a girl and then turned his unprotected back. Watch the Nature channel men… life lessons.
Everyone uses the giant announcement boards at ballgames to propose… but I think a breakup might go well on one. Simply have them say “I think we should just be friends” during the game on the overhead Television and ensure she sees it. I think that the moment will be so awkward everyone will just laugh it off and be friends… right?
Send your brother to breakup with your girlfriend for you. Brothers are normally willing to do this, for a price, and they will think it is hilarious. They also will be brutal about it and that will be the end of it. Or… your brother will end up dating your ex-girlfriend. You will end up single for 6 months, just long enough to endure a few holiday dinners at which your brother and his “new girlfriend” will glow. You will look like an idiot, but you will be single!
Break up with her while on a hot air balloon ride. If she kills you… you will both die probably. Unless she happens to have her smartphone on her, in which case she will Google map a remote location to bury your body and then fly home. I suggest random metal detector scans. Simply say it is a health issue.
People send singing telegrams and that is just stupid and mean. I would send a mime instead to hand deliver the message. He can then start miming a wall to protect himself…
I think that if you breakup with a woman while wearing a Harry Potter costume and holding a wand she will think you are so pathetic she won’t get mad at all. It will work. Trust me.
Lastly I have found glitter really is the ultimate enemy of a woman’s heart. If you say anything and throw glitter in the air they love it. “We should break up!” [throws glitter in the air] All you will hear is clapping…