The Male Review “Breaking up with a Woman” – For Men Only!

One of the most trying periods for males is “the moment of the breakup.” Now I understand that women also breakup with men, but I can’t really speak on their behalf. I would hate to try and talk on a topic I wasn’t clearly an expert on…

I feel it is my duty to provide men out there with some tried and true methods of “parting ways” with a woman. These will help you to keep your sanity and your nerve because it is that moment of uncertainty that will cause a bad decision that will result in a lifetime of unhappiness. For both parties involved. All of these options won’t be available to you, not all of us own horses, but the ones that do I encourage you to try some of these. Putting a video of it on is also a great idea. Here are some ideas for “safe” ways of breaking up with a woman.

I believe the safest method of approaching a woman is in a full suit of armor and on a very fast horse. Preferably one of those Spanish horses I always hear about. In this situation we are approaching the woman not as a possible bride, but as a potential fire breathing woman who might snap upon being presented the banner of truce. I consider breaking up a “truce” because each party is free to go their merry way. I am speaking only of dating here and not marriage, obviously. The armor is in case the woman tries to stab you. Now you laugh, but do you know the type of man that gets stabbed? The one that stupidly broke up with a girl and then turned his unprotected back. Watch the Nature channel men… life lessons.

Everyone uses the giant announcement boards at ballgames to propose… but I think a breakup might go well on one. Simply have them say “I think we should just be friends” during the game on the overhead Television and ensure she sees it. I think that the moment will be so awkward everyone will just laugh it off and be friends… right?

Send your brother to breakup with your girlfriend for you. Brothers are normally willing to do this, for a price, and they will think it is hilarious. They also will be brutal about it and that will be the end of it. Or… your brother will end up dating your ex-girlfriend. You will end up single for 6 months, just long enough to endure a few holiday dinners at which your brother and his “new girlfriend” will glow. You will look like an idiot, but you will be single!

Break up with her while on a hot air balloon ride. If she kills you… you will both die probably. Unless she happens to have her smartphone on her, in which case she will Google map a remote location to bury your body and then fly home. I suggest random metal detector scans. Simply say it is a health issue.

People send singing telegrams and that is just stupid and mean. I would send a mime instead to hand deliver the message. He can then start miming a wall to protect himself…

I think that if you breakup with a woman while wearing a Harry Potter costume and holding a wand she will think you are so pathetic she won’t get mad at all. It will work. Trust me.

Lastly I have found glitter really is the ultimate enemy of a woman’s heart. If you say anything and throw glitter in the air they love it. “We should break up!” [throws glitter in the air] All you will hear is clapping…

-Opinionated Man

99 thoughts on “The Male Review “Breaking up with a Woman” – For Men Only!

  1. Your men only articles are getting a lot of people reading of the female kind. I guess if someone get’s irked, you can just say this wasn’t meant for you anyway.

    I only think some* women are crazy btw. Maybe there can be some sort of crazy free certificate that people could get and you could show it to your partner before dating… see 2% chance I will meltdown into a full blown psycho freak post break up.


  2. lol.. funniest thing ever !!! ““We should break up!” [throws glitter in the air] All you will hear is clapping…” this was my favorite part though…. :)


  3. Pingback: Reblog: The Male Review “Breaking up with a Woman” – For Men Only! » Moby's

  4. Reblogged this on Sublyme and commented:
    I found this extremely hilarious and honestly with this much effort you can be sure to reach a truce with you intended ex #winks. This is for you guys and ladies like me who like a good laugh.


  5. Quick story for you OM.

    I dated a girl for only a few months, and I realized that she was really into me, but I just wasn’t feeling the same.

    So I tried to think of ways to end the relationship with as least confrontation as possible. (One of those manly attributes I lack is the fortitude to face confrontation head on)

    I eventually settled on doing it by text message. I felt really bad, and then I felt really good. But wait, let me defend myself slightly:

    1. She was crazy.
    2. About 3 months in she forced me to say that I loved her. (red flags were popping up)
    3. She had a list for me of things she wanted me to give up and friends I should avoid.

    About a month after the breakup, she showed up to my house looking for me. I wasnt there, but i felt like a Jew in hiding. (im Armenian, I can make that comparison.)

    This happened a few more times. I probably should have talked to her again, because after my breakup text I didn’t want to/couldn’t man up to talk to her/reply to her and her calls.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Parodies Sixties Song:

    “There’s somethin’ happening here
    What it is ain’t exactly… Dear
    There’s a girl with a gun over there
    Tellin’ me, I got to beware”

    And watch my ass.


  7. Naturally, since the title says “for men only”, I had to read it! Just don’t break up with her via text or email. That would really piss her off, then you really would have to look over your shoulder.


  8. At first, I thought it’s going to be one of those cheesy articles of tips for coward men. I will not judge again by the cover. This is amazing:)) My personal favourite is the Harry Potter one. Guys, that one is gold. I would definitely not get mad. :D


  9. Breaking up is hard to do. Think I heard that one in a song? You are doing both people a favour. If you aren’t happy, it won’t be long before she won’t be happy.
    C’est la vie.


  10. Okay, I see I am not the only one, but if I see men only or something like that I have to look. That aside LMAO, that was funny shit. However I have to agree with the Harry Potter thing, or dressing up as any character really. You will just be in trouble in the long run, either they will like it or think you have lost your mind lol.


  11. Love it!!! I don’t even know you but this makes me wanna go out with you just so we can break up. I don’t do knives but glitter… that’s some full on macho man’s man type of advice right there. The mere fact that you would take so much time to go purchase glitter. i”m moved. Then the visual of you standing in line at the craft store, the whole while feeling obligated to explain to the clerk and the lady with the yarn behind you, why you were there with a basket full of glitter, would mean the world to me as a next ex. LMAO.

    Have a blessed day, thanks for the giggle!

    PS – Go Clydesdale, they’re built more for power than speed but dayummmm you’d look great!


  12. I want to laugh and smack you at the same time…..unfortunately, I think most men need how to break up advice, and not more jokes about it but going with the theme I’ll add in another – He could simply show up as jacob, and tell her she deserves an edward (funny but still honorable at the same time)


  13. Okay, as soon as I read, “For Men Only,” anywhere, I have to go look. And generally, once there, I am glad that I did, because usually what I find runs from mildly amusing to full-on hysterical.

    That said? This does not disappoint. I especially like the part about the glitter, because, you know…I love sparkly shit. ;) Also, don’t break up with me in a Harry Potter costume, as that might actually intrigue me enough to want to learn more about you. But I am kind of a dork, anyway. ;)


  14. LOL :D
    You made my mood lighter now that I have to attend an official conference call.

    Where did you get the idea of a hot air balloon ?
    And I don’t agree on Harry Potter costume….Either you will dumped even before you try and get a word out or you will be loved more (depending on whether she likes HP or not)

    But the ending was ultimate. Hats off to you Sir.


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